Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me

[Anonymous]

OP here. Re: the neighbors thing I will say that when we had the derecho in July and our house lost power for 5 days, none of our neighbors who had generators (including our next door neighbors), acquaintances/co-workers who knew we were sweating it out for 5 days offered to let us stay with them, have a place to relax in the air-conditioning for a few hours, have us over to charge our phones or use the washing machine, etc. I thought that was incredibly cold-hearted.

None of our neighbors/coworkers did either, but I just assumed they weren't eager to have someone that they weren't good friends with staying at their home. I didn't view it as cold-hearted. If it had been really important to me, I would have put them on the spot by asking, and I am sure that some of them would say yes.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you ask these horrible people for advice?

All they want to do is to crawl on top of a wounded animal and try to pick at it until it dies. when they sense blood they go in for the kill. I'm not sure if it makes them feel good or WHAT. All I know, is that it scares me that they managed to get some sort of reproductive endocrinologist to get their old dusty eggs to produce a baby.

You are lonely and I get it. This area is really really hard. I feel very grateful to have grown up here and have family and friend roots. I know a lot of people just like you who feel so alone in this town. Just a suggestion, I have actually met some pretty cool people at the gym. I take an evening boot camp (Ive been doing this boot camp for a year now) and have met some like minded people who are full of energy and like to be active.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the PP from upthread who said I relate so much to what you're going through. Another thought that might be helpful -- there are many great ideas in this thread, but I think if you pick out the ones that really appeal to you and your passions, that will increase the chances you will make friends, because you will truly share an interest with the others and you're likely to be more talkative and positive while doing the activity. For example, if you're not really much of a reader, a book club might seem boring and you might be less likely to click with people. A group painting class might be your thing instead, for example.

You mentioned you have cats -- why not check into your local rescues/shelters and see if you can volunteer sometime helping to feed and play with the cats who are awaiting homes? I knew someone who did this in Montgomery County and enjoyed it.

Also, on weekends when you really have nothing planned but just don't want to sit around, a 5K is a great way to start the day, and its usually for charity so that's an added bonus. And when people ask, what did you do over the weekend, you can tell them about it. 5Ks can be as competitive or non-competitive as you want them to be and some are in cool locations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you ask these horrible people for advice?

All they want to do is to crawl on top of a wounded animal and try to pick at it until it dies. when they sense blood they go in for the kill. I'm not sure if it makes them feel good or WHAT. All I know, is that it scares me that they managed to get some sort of reproductive endocrinologist to get their old dusty eggs to produce a baby.

You are lonely and I get it. This area is really really hard. I feel very grateful to have grown up here and have family and friend roots. I know a lot of people just like you who feel so alone in this town. Just a suggestion, I have actually met some pretty cool people at the gym. I take an evening boot camp (Ive been doing this boot camp for a year now) and have met some like minded people who are full of energy and like to be active.

As one of the PP that gave advice that's not it at all. I take no joy in someone else's misery. I'm hoping for OP to come back having tried some ideas and feeling better about herself.

I remember in my mid-twenties I swore everyone had these perfect families other than me and it wasn't until years later I realized dysfunction is more the norm. I also learned no one has a perfect life. Everyone has dealt with something, you just don't know what that something is because people aren't going to put their business on the street like that. Maybe having that realization made me feel less defensive about my situation and more appreciative of what was going well. Also, while I wouldn't advice the OP to close ranks and not make an effort, clearly OP is married and he is part of her family. If nothing else if I was so miserable about some outside situation ( say stressful work or a family without boundaries) I realized I had to get it together enough to appreciate what was going well like DH and kids or I could risk pushing them away in my misery about things I couldn't control and things that I could change but lacked the courage and willingness to do the hard work to change them (like standing up for myself in family situations or getting a better job)

Really wishing OP the best. In our efforts to help, we may be picking at the wound, but I know for me I feel invested in helping solve the problem even though I know from experience OP has to decide what she is willing to change and sometimes it really does start with perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you posted about this type of thing before? Your posts sound similar to a couple of others, and I think that you've gotten similar responses each time. I think that you have really high expectations for what friendships are, and I really think that you need to find a therapist who you can work with, because the constantly feeling rejected and lonely is not a healthy way to feel at all.

I also think that you're probably projecting a lot of this insecurity and negativity when you meet people. If you are doing a lot of social meetup groups, and telling people that you're looking for friends a lot, then you may be coming across in a way that communicates desperation more than you probably intend to.

Ultimately though, you need to make peace with yourself first, and then things will probably be easier for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you volunteer regularly for a cause you care about? That way you're wasting no time and might meet others with similiar values and interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what do you have to offer a friendship? What are your interests? I feel for you and I'm sometimes lonely too, w very small family and only one semi close relative nearby. You sound depressed and until you take care of that, it may be hard for you to be a good friend.

Signed, someone who also wishes for one or two close nearby friends.

I agree that the OP is depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why do you ask these horrible people for advice?

All they want to do is to crawl on top of a wounded animal and try to pick at it until it dies. when they sense blood they go in for the kill. I'm not sure if it makes them feel good or WHAT. All I know, is that it scares me that they managed to get some sort of reproductive endocrinologist to get their old dusty eggs to produce a baby.

You are lonely and I get it. This area is really really hard. I feel very grateful to have grown up here and have family and friend roots. I know a lot of people just like you who feel so alone in this town. Just a suggestion, I have actually met some pretty cool people at the gym. I take an evening boot camp (Ive been doing this boot camp for a year now) and have met some like minded people who are full of energy and like to be active.

I think a lot of the advice has been really good. Some of it has for sure been quite mean. I like the quoted post a lot because (despite being someone who herself had to see an RE!) I think it's important to acknowledge that this area is tough for making friends. However, there really are people out there that you could connect with, OP, and I think trying a few of these suggestions starting now could help a lot. Try not to dwell on the negative as much as possible. You will experience more rejection, but the more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find a couple of good friends. That's all it takes, right - just a couple?

[Anonymous]

I really don't know answers to your situation..... But one thing is that I do i can be your friend, who will be always ready to listen you.... Because I don't know that much English..... So i can't answer it..... You know it take 20 mint to read your paregraf and 45 minit to right

[Anonymous]

It has literally taken me a decade to establish a warm sense of community. For me, it congealed around my daughter’s preschool. It’s really hard to get plopped someplace as an adult and have to start from scratch socially. I have a whole new respect for people who choose to live near where they grew up. Hugs op.

[Anonymous]

I’m the pp. I also want to add that you should stop obsessing about who invites. I did a lot more of the inviting initially. I think that the less you obsess about tit for tat small things, the easier it will be. I had a lot of inviting fails before I found a group where it felt effortless and comfortable.

I went and saw a therapist about this (this being my inability to find a friend circle in dc). I thought he’d have insight into something rude I was doing or some lack of self awareness. Nope. He just encouraged me to be friendly and kind and eventually it would happen. He was right. It might help to see a therapist...

[Anonymous]

Op, look outside of work to solve this! Your desperation will damage your career. Can you throw yourself into something- fitness?-that will take up your time and take the edge off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't know answers to your situation..... But one thing is that I do i can be your friend, who will be always ready to listen you.... Because I don't know that much English..... So i can't answer it..... You know it take 20 mint to read your paregraf and 45 minit to right

This post is 5 years old.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP here! I was so surprised to see this thread from so many years ago. But if anyone would like an update, here it is:

Since I wrote that post I had a baby, who is now 4.5 years old! I have made tons of friends through my child, through meetup groups, preschool, moms groups, etc. But meetup was definitely the best way that I was able to make new friends. I am in a part-time very social job and made lots of friends through that. Now I always have weekend plans whenever I want them and I have several really good friends, and have a large social circle. I'm rarely lonely anymore because I have such a large social circle and people always want to do things. So things have changed for the better since I wrote that post! The only downside is that we have been struggling with secondary infertility for 4 years and it doesn't look like I'll ever be able to have a second child. So I'm pretty depressed about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP here! I was so surprised to see this thread from so many years ago. But if anyone would like an update, here it is:

Since I wrote that post I had a baby, who is now 4.5 years old! I have made tons of friends through my child, through meetup groups, preschool, moms groups, etc. But meetup was definitely the best way that I was able to make new friends. I am in a part-time very social job and made lots of friends through that. Now I always have weekend plans whenever I want them and I have several really good friends, and have a large social circle. I'm rarely lonely anymore because I have such a large social circle and people always want to do things. So things have changed for the better since I wrote that post! The only downside is that we have been struggling with secondary infertility for 4 years and it doesn't look like I'll ever be able to have a second child. So I'm pretty depressed about that.

When I was reading your original post the first thought I had was - have a baby! I know that's not considered sensible advice for loneliness and the lack of family feeling so I wouldn't have said it. However I'm happy to read your update, so glad you have a sweet 4.5 year old. I've made some close friends through my kids also, it is rewarding and fun.
I hope you have success with baby 2, how old are you? Don't wait long to see a doctor, sometimes they can help with non-invasive treatments (if you haven't already).