Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me
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Anonymous
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OP, DC can be tough. I remember trying to fit in here in my early 20's, which was hard.
I will say you sound like you're really in your own head - overly scrutinizing everything. That's probably what's going on. Do you generally have a lot of anxiety? I see that reflected in some of your posts. It's possible that when you are out, you can't REALLY relax and enjoy yourself, because you're so worried about performing. And, you may inadvertantly be focusing more on what you think people are thinking about YOU than just what they're thinking (or saying!). Try to focus on your would-be friends as people first, and friends to acquire second. Try to get to know them. There are some small things you can do to help yourself be more likeable, including remember their spouses and kids' names, inquire about them. Ask them to coffee, not too often, but persistently. Do a weekend where you invite them to dinner. And keep the drinks flowing when you do! (Unless you don't drink, which definitely eliminates a social lubricant, but if so good for you.  ).
You can do this. Get out of your own head. Confide in someone at work that you feel like you don't fit in. DON'T make it about how kind you are to everyone else and nobody has a kind word for you, etc, because even if it is 100 percent true, there's no way you can say it without sounding like a martyr. Good luck to you! |
Anonymous
OP here. I understand everything you are saying, and I feel like I am showing a lot of interest in people (though I don't feel people are interested in me). But why am I always the bridesmaid, never the bride (i.e. why do I always initiate everything, and never get invited to do things by others?) All that rejection makes me feel like crap. |
Anonymous
| I get what you're saying and I feel the same way sometime -- if I don't email anyone or plan anything, no one reaches out to me. But I don't think as much about it as you do. Think of it this way - if this is how life is meant to be for you -- i.e. you can make efforts and get some social contact or you can make no efforts and get no interaction, what would you want? Isn't casual friendship and some company better than nothing? If yes, keep doing what you're doing and see where it takes you. Enjoy the time that you do spend with people and don't worry about whether or not they will reach out to you or when you'll hang out next. If no (and I do know people who say if I can't have BFFs, I don't want anything), then stop trying -- and make your peace with finding fun activities that you and DH enjoy and don't worry about what anyone else is doing on weekends in comparison. |
Anonymous
| Also - do you know a nice person who seems friendly that you can confide in? Can you say to someone - I really want to meet more people here, it's been tough to indicate to them that you want to be included in their parties, BBQs etc? Obviously choose your person wisely, you don't want one of the "mean women" or someone at work who will then make you feel awkward going forward. |
Anonymous
OP here. I know I think about this a lot, because I have very few friends and am constantly lonely. I guess this fact of no one bothering to reach out to me unless I initiate first just really, really bothers me, because it's been a pattern for years now. It makes me feel like I'm always on the outside, not ever being accepted as someone others would like to get to know. It makes me feel rejected, that there's something wrong with me, because if I were "likeable" then I would have lots of invitations to do things, would actually get some phone calls or emails, and wouldn't spend most weekends feeling lonely. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think this is very good advice. I do agree that casual friendship and occasional company is better than nothing, though I would prefer close friendships and being with people every weekend. I love to be around others and feel awful when I am alone. It is very hard, however, to not compare myself to everyone else I meet (who all seem to have tons of plans and lots of friends and family around). When I hear about co-workers fun weekend plans and all their friends and family I just feel so sad and depressed. I can't help feeling this way, because I have never failed so miserably at something I've tried so hard for (trying to make friends). |
Anonymous
Take it with a grain of salt. Is it EVERYONE who has fun plans with lots of friends and family every weekend or is it just the same 1-2 people? I know in my office, it is the same people who always have plans and that's in part because they have 4 siblings and thus 4 in-laws and a half dozen neices and nephews so there is always something going on - whether it's someone's high school football game and BBQ or a girls weekend manicure, but when you think about it they didn't make these friends, they were born into this family. The ones who are quiet when these discussions happen are likely just like you watching tv, grocery shopping, and maybe going to the mall on the weekends. I take it you're not from DC? Where are you from/where did you go to college? Did you have a different friend situation there -- i.e. has it always been like this or do you think this is a function of being relatively new to town? I haven't read every post but do you have anyone that you consider close from any stage (besides DH)? If you do have that or if you have someone who won't judge and will be supportive (maybe a cousin, or aunt - someone who cares about you but not enough to gossip about you), maybe talk to them about this. They know you as a person and you can tell them what's going on friend wise and how you're feeling and ask if they think there is something you are doing that is turning people off. It doesn't sound to me like you are except maybe your anxiety is showing through a bit and people here (as many are self absorbed) don't want to take that on because they presume you'll be clingy or whatever. I know I have a few women friends who are single here who have gotten the vibe from married women that they don't want to include them even though they are smart/funny/interesting because the married women are so worried about how busy they are that they don't want to "take on" someone who will be clingy bc they're bored or will bring drama - as in why am I not married; these single women are awesome, secure, and in some instances don't prioritize marriage so they don't have such issues but they are sometimes written off for these reasons. |
Anonymous
People exaggerate and outright lie about plans because they often don't want people to think they have no plans or are unsocialable. Your depression over this issue probably comes out more than you think. Have you ever considred doing then what other people do? If they ask about weekend, plans at least stretch the truth a bit. It's kind of like the old cliche "you need money to make money" so "you need friends to make friends". If you present as someone who has a full schedule and is busy, it gives the impression that you have lots of interests, enjoy beings social and are up for going social activities. |
Anonymous
| I think you should reach out to your neighbors. Neighborhoods are where you will find your sense of community, probably not work. Why don't you plan an open house, print out invitations and put them in everyone's mailbox on your block? |
Anonymous
| OP -- are you trying to make friends with people who have kids? If so, I would stop. My only friends w/out kids were my friends before I had kids. So you should focus on people in your situation -- married w/out kids or single w/out kids. I think your DH is right about people in their 30s. It's not just that they have enough friends, it's that many of us just don't need friends at this age. Between work, kids, daily life, husband, etc. if I actually have a free moment I want to be alone, not with people (99% of the time). So you have a few options. You can try to become a stalker -- I've had people become my friend that way. I was on the receiving end of the stalking and finally just gave in and became this woman's friend. Or you can be more patient and let friendships develop over time. I don't think asking someone to do something every few weeks is what people mean by giving it time -- every few months seems more appropriate to me. |
Anonymous
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Maybe you are introverted and just don't have a naturally welcoming exterior. So what. As I tell my son who has a significant learning disability, this just means he has to work twice as hard as everyone else to do half as well, but it isn't an excuse. Everyone has deficits to overcome that are no problem for others. Some of us have to work a lot harder to stay slim than others. Standardized tests are a breeze for some and others have to study like crazy.
My problem with your posts is that you feel sooooo sorry for yourself and want not just the friends, but want it to come easily and naturally. Well it is never going to come easy for you and you need to move past being a sad sack about it. Your cross to bear is that you will have go try twice as hard as most people and this means lots of rejection. But if you want a social life you need to accept this and press forward anyway. Lead with the gifts you've been given and you will attract people with whom you are compatible. |
Anonymous
OP here. No, we're not from DC. We moved here from the Southwest, both went to grad school out there. Did not know a single person here, and both our families are from other places. I had tons of friends in high school and college, as well as grad school. I think fondly on those years when I felt part of a group, felt a sense of belonging and a sense of connection. Plus, during those years I still had a sense of "place" because my parents still lived in my hometown, in the house where I grew up. Since grad school they sold the house, moved out of my hometown across the country to a whole new state, and it's now extremely far for me to visit them (and I only see them once a year). I think this friend issue is just from being new to a new area in your 30's. The 30's is a really hard time to pick up and move somewhere where you have no connections, especially as a couple without kids. I like your idea about talking to a close person about this issue of turning people off, and I did do that with my college roommate, who is out of state, but she had no ideas for me. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, except a therapist, which I also tried doing (and she had no constructive feedback for me). |
Anonymous
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I haven't read all the replies but the whole DH knows not a single detail about his holding buddies is a guy thing. My DH will tell me his cousin is getting married and I will ask, well where did he meet the bride, where is the wedding, when is the wedding, how did he propose etc, and DH will give me a blank look. We have been together long enough that he will now ask a question or two for my sake but it still amazes me the differences.
As for finding new friends in the area, I will say it takes time to find people you might want to be friends with and years to deepen the friendships. Also, people have different comfort levels so I wouldn't be vacationing with another couple unless we have been friends for years, and even then there are people that if you travel with them, you may not be friends anymore. I'm not into the whole my best friends are my work friends either as I may have been in my twenties. I think the lines can be blurred when you have to deal with people professionally and really know the good and bad as friends. I tend to befriend more closely ex-coworkers or people where the working relationship isn't quite so close. So anyway, there are believe it or not people looking for a fun couple to hang out with. We are married with older kids (7 & 8) and enjoy having girls night out, boys night out, and couples night out every so often. We probably were not ready for much of that when the kids were under 5. With kids we obviously need to plan more and daytime activities are harder unless it is just one of us. I'm a lazy planner in general and you are right that people are so busy around here. However, if someone provides the planning and I have enough notice, I tend to be up for going as long as it wouldn't have me away from DH and kids excessively (eg not going out every night or every other night that week). You just have to find your activity that brings people in like a book club, or having a Super Bowl or holiday party ( say where you get to meet the wives of the golfing buddies) that people get to socialize with both of you. Or you get a group to go to a baseball game or Maryland football game together. God luck. |
Anonymous
| PP meant to say good luck. |
Anonymous
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Moving in your 30s to a brand new area is hard but the social component can come together -- it does for many people esp. in this area who move here for jobs. It will just be slower. What I can’t figure out is if you’re just having a rough weekend or if you’re always this upset about the situation; it’s totally fine to be upset but you cannot let on. People want to hang out with people who are fun and happy, not miserable and worried. Do you have any interest in golf? If you do, I have to imagine that there are women’s groups as well -- maybe put together with the assistance of a golf club/course since there are fewer women wanting to golf; that seems like the kind of activity that will lead to making friends because you will see the same limited number of women over and over. And as the PP said, it is totally a guy thing to spend a half day together and know nothing about the other person; I can’t imagine that women aren’t chatting the entire time. A book club may also be a good idea -- you don’t see a ton of turnover in that because once people commit to reading a book, they are at least coming to the weeks where that book is being discussed -- so you’ll see the same people over and over; while I don’t belong to a book club, my image is that they become a bit like the one from Jerry Maguire - you talk about the book, drink wine, talk about life etc. Same with bowling leagues though I don’t know if they are common in this area as much as in small town USA.
I agree with the PP who said don’t spend too much of your effort on people with kids, esp. young ones; they are busy and when they have time, they always want to hang out with others who have kids. I would reach out to the women you know who are single or married without kids, or people with older kids -- as the people with 10 yr olds are more likely to enjoy couple time as they don’t have to worry about a baby waking them up at 5 am. I would make all the efforts that people are suggesting and give myself a certain number of months. Say in 6 months, re-assess and see how things are socially (which may be a good time, as you can throw a late summer BBQ and see if you have enough invitees and how it feels to have them around). Would you ever consider moving back to the southwest where it sounds like you still have friends and family or to another city where most of your friends have re-located? I don’t know if jobs will allow that and while I normally don’t advocate running away from problems, I don’t see any reason to live your life this miserable either. |