Reply to Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Moving in your 30s to a brand new area is hard but the social component can come together -- it does for many people esp. in this area who move here for jobs.  It will just be slower.  What I can’t figure out is if you’re just having a rough weekend or if you’re always this upset about the situation; it’s totally fine to be upset but you cannot let on.  People want to hang out with people who are fun and happy, not miserable and worried.  Do you have any interest in golf? If you do, I have to imagine that there are women’s groups as well -- maybe put together with the assistance of a golf club/course since there are fewer women wanting to golf; that seems like the kind of activity that will lead to making friends because you will see the same limited number of women over and over. And as the PP said, it is totally a guy thing to spend a half day together and know nothing about the other person; I can’t imagine that women aren’t chatting the entire time.  A book club may also be a good idea -- you don’t see a ton of turnover in that because once people commit to reading a book, they are at least coming to the weeks where that book is being discussed -- so you’ll see the same people over and over; while I don’t belong to a book club, my image is that they become a bit like the one from Jerry Maguire - you talk about the book, drink wine, talk about life etc.  Same with bowling leagues though I don’t know if they are common in this area as much as in small town USA.

I agree with the PP who said don’t spend too much of your effort on people with kids, esp. young ones; they are busy and when they have time, they always want to hang out with others who have kids.  I would reach out to the women you know who are single or married without kids, or people with older kids -- as the people with 10 yr olds are more likely to enjoy couple time as they don’t have to worry about a baby waking them up at 5 am.

I would make all the efforts that people are suggesting and give myself a certain number of months.  Say in 6 months, re-assess and see how things are socially (which may be a good time, as you can throw a late summer BBQ and see if you have enough invitees and how it feels to have them around).  Would you ever consider moving back to the southwest where it sounds like you still have friends and family or to another city where most of your friends have re-located? I don’t know if jobs will allow that and while I normally don’t advocate running away from problems, I don’t see any reason to live your life this miserable either.[/quote]

OP here.  I really like your advice in this post, especially the part about the 6 month reassessment.  That sounds like a really good way to think of making progress--I like the idea of the late summer BBQ.

Yes, I am always this upset about the social situation, especially when DH is on one of his business trips (like now).  I think I hide my feelings pretty well--I've never discussed it with anyone at work, and I've never told anyone at work that I feel lonely.  When he is away, it just feels like such an empty void to be completely alone in this area--that's what I feel like, is that I am 100% completely alone.  Like if DH was away and I was very sick with the flu, and needed to go to the ER, there is absolutely no one I could call to be with me.  That feeling makes me feel so isolated, so alone, and quite frankly, quite miserable here at times.  Other times, like when he's home, I can deal with the social isolation better when we can fill our weekends with doing fun things together.

[b]I think I feel especially upset too because it's DH birthday in a week, and like usual, we're just celebrating, him and I.  I'll take him out for a lovely dinner, but it bums me out that DH and I celebrate every birthday, every holiday, and every milestone alone.  I just wish we had a circle of friends to celebrate with us.[/b]

DH and I are not thinking about leaving the area--it's not a very appealing idea for either of us (neither of us are from the Southwest, that's just where we both met in grad school).  Both of us are from other areas of the country, my parents left my hometown and retired elsewhere that is not appealing to me, and we don't get along with DH's family at all, so not appealing to move there.  Friends from college are scattered all over the place.  We both love the DC area--it's the perfect fit for us, except for the social part.  I just need to be more patient, manage my anxiety about having no friends better, and manage my loneliness better and hope that in the next few years we can build some semblance of a social life.

[/quote]

Start off small -- if his birthday is in a week, why not send out an email to a bunch of people you know saying you'd like to start something new and get a bunch of people together for an after work happy hour or dinner in celebration of his birthday. Send it out widely -- work people you like, work people he likes, his golf guys and their wives/girlfriends, a casual acquaintance or two you've met along the way etc -- just a "hey is anyone around to get together" type of thing. You may get a few people without plans who would like to hang out, or you may get a bunch of people who say "sorry - can't do it on Thurs. but let's get together soon," in which case you take them up on it and plan something down the road. Either way don't take it to heart if people aren't receptive, but if people are receptive, then you have a few others to celebrate this with; whether it leads to life long BFFs or not, who knows but take it one step at a time.

In terms of what would happen in an emergency, you can't think like that. Think about all those who never marry, are elderly etc. -- things work out for everyone; I have seen random co-workers and almost virtual strangers rise to the occasion when someone needs something in an emergency, so don't dwell on those kinds of thoughts.[/quote]

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