Everyone says that they are busy with their own lives, no time for me

[Anonymous]

This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I think a lot of people find themselves in your situation here in DC. It sounds like you're doing everything right, you just have to keep putting yourself out there.

What about starting a book group? Do you think you could come up with 4 or 5 people who would accept an invitation to your home to start one?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I think a lot of people find themselves in your situation here in DC. It sounds like you're doing everything right, you just have to keep putting yourself out there.

What about starting a book group? Do you think you could come up with 4 or 5 people who would accept an invitation to your home to start one?

[Anonymous]

I hear you. I can relate.

I suggest taking a class in something fun where you can meet people. Join a club. Put yourself out there. Take some risks.

Plan a dinner party and invite some people over.

Believe it or not, there are lots of us who feel like you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to find a gateway friend. That is, a friend who is a gateway to a larger social circle, who will let you come in. I had a ton of those when I was child-free and younger; it's a little harder now as people have paired off, had kids and stopped going out as much. (I've also become that friend in some cases.) When you're talking to people you like (work, wherever), try to figure out if they have a circle you might fit into. You might also have to come out of your comfort zone and extend invitations to do stuff. Those cozy circles didn't just happen - someone made them happen and kept them going. It takes work. (I have a great social life, but it's probably come at the expense of work at times, and dating at times, and sobriety at times, lol.)

You also sound like you might have low self-esteem if you're internalizing other people's busy lives and interpreting that as "they have no time for me." For all they know, you have your own busy, active life. Not everyone puts as much thought/analysis into it as you have.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

Think ahead now about March. There are 5 weekends in March.

What will you and DH do on different March weekends? Will you go to a concert? a museum? an event? a hike?

Pick one thing each weekend, and think about someone, neighbor, coworker, passing acquaintance, that might be interested, and say to them. "Hey, on March 9th DH and I are thinking about going to concert/hike/museum would you be interested in joining us".
If they say yes, great. You have someone to hang out with. If they say no, then its no different then were you were before.

Do this with a dozen or so people and I promise you will have started to connect with at least one person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a phrase that has always made me feel sad and left out. I am in my mid-30's, work full-time, happily married, no kids, but I feel that everyone is too busy with their own lives to make room for me. At work I hear people discussing their fun weekend plans, whereas we rarely have "plans" on the weekends--we go out and do fun things of course, but its mainly by ourselves. I feel the lack of a social circle or strong family connections very deeply. DH and I have lived in the area for a few years, and we did not have any connections to the area when we moved here. I love my job but feel a void in the evenings and weekends. Our families live very far away and we only see them once a year, and we both have very small families that don't enjoy spending time with each other, and DH's family is extremely dysfunctional and unpleasant to be around.

I feel left out at work too. I've been at this job for almost 2 years, but people never stop by my office to say hi or chat for a bit, the way I always do with them to be friendly. I still feel like I'm not "part of the group" despite the fact that my boss always writes that i'm a team player on my reviews.

I have gotten involved in a few things here over the years--volunteering, taking classes, meetup groups, different social groups, and have enjoyed some of them, but have never found a sense of belonging or feeling part of the community here, or found something that I'd like to really get involved in more deeply (my husband plays golf with a group that he's been in for a few years, I'd like to find something like that for myself, to have fun and feel a part of something, though he hasn't actually made any friends with this golf group--it amazes me that he doesn't really know anything personal about them.) I feel like I hear other people say that they're busy with their own lives--friends and family, but don't really have that here for myself, and I really want that.

I have been feeling especially down about this lately. I have been looking to find a therapist to discuss this with, but haven't really found a good fit yet (in NoVa).

I have made a few acquaintances here, but no good friends--no one to share personal stuff with. DH travels for work a few times a month, so it is hard on me to feel so isolated here.

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I feel for you and I don't know the magic answer. I will tell you that it is easy for me to make connections.

I bolded the above because my DH is exactly like yours and would not have a single friend if it were not for me. If it were not for me, our social life would be dead. My DH rarely asks people questions about themselves. He is not at all self-absorbed, but he thinks if he asks questions it is nosy. He thinks I am nosy. He does not GET IT. People LOVE talking about themselves. It makes them feel good when you take interest in them (even if it is personal stuff) and people like to be around people who make them feel good about themselves. Every single family friend we have, our whole circle of friends I have brought into our lives. It is because if someone is down, I ask them. If someone is looking great I ask them what they are doing to because they are glowing. I dish out compliments and ask how things are going if they are going through a tough time. People love that. People love when you remember. I can see with you if someone showed you some interest or kindness, it would make you feel so good. You are hungry for that, everyone is. I also try to remain positive and upbeat. A smile goes a long way. Everyone has problems, but I try to avoid incessantly talking about my "issues" (we all know those people that just complain complain complain and do nothing).

I think also when you get into your late 20s and over, as people start having kids they get so busy with that and tend to hang out with people with kids. I have two crazy crazy lound boisterious boys and I never invite people over without kids, unless I have a sitter and we are going out. I don't think people without kids of their own could stand the noise and activity in my home for longer than 5 minuets. It gives ME at headache and I'm their mom!

[Anonymous]

Op I use DCUM as FINMH (Friends in my head).

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about joining the Junior League? I was in the same boat as you and it's helped me make a ton of friends and find a place to volunteer. New member applications for the DC League have closed for this year but the NOVA league may still be open. It's something to look into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I use DCUM as FINMH (Friends in my head).

Hi Bestie!

[Anonymous]

The Junior League is a good idea. (I found the NOVA league much less cliquey. I used to be a member, but resigned b/c i didn't have the time.) Also, perhaps look into joining a church? Also, have you initiated interaction? Have a dinner party. Invite two couples you like and have them over for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Suggestions OP:

1. Put candy (individually wrapped please) in a dish at your desk. Pick something you don't like so you won't eat it.

2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

3. Think like a stalker! I turned to a woman I'd volunteered with every week for 3 years and said to her in December, "Why do we not hang out? We never have enough time to chat. Want to go see a movie this month?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What I wish I had is a tight social circle--friends who get together a few times a month, celebrate holidays together, and vacation together, or a close extended family who keeps in touch regularly, enjoys being together, and gets together for weddings, vacations, etc. It seems most of my work colleagues have this kind of connection, though most of them grew up here, and we're not from this area.

I think that this is an ideal and is much rarer than you actually think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2. Walk around work saying "Everyone is so friendly!" or something like that. I did that when I started somewhere and it made people think I was friendly! I'm the bitchiest person ever - hard to believe it worked, but it did!

Haha, I love this.

[Anonymous]

OP, not saying you are doing this, but don't walk around with a gloomy gus "everyone is so busy except for me" "I need people to entertain me" sort of attitude. Again, not saying you are doing this, but sometimes I think it is easy to give off this vibe if you try to share these thoughts in real life with a real live person. When I come across people like that, I want to run away b/c I feel like they are needy and wanting to glom onto me and I won't be able to get rid of them. :* ( I am sorry. But jsut wanted to make sure you are not doing something inadvertantly.

One more note: don't denigrate this area in conversation b/c you never know who you'll be ticking off. As a native, when someone starts compaining about this area to me, I think, "Oh god, not another one," and sort of don't want to hear all the complaining. So, I know sometimes it's fun to bond over complaining, the whole "misery loves company" thing, but just make sure you're not trying to find common ground over something which may inadvertantly tick someone off, you now?

Good luck to you!