I filed for divorce today and feel awful

[Anonymous]

Ask the OP's kids. I'm going to guess that they feel like they've been left too.

His leaving caused the destruction of their family. There is no such thing as leaving one member of the family. The family has been destroyed and those kids know it.

Hope he reads some good books and enjoys some fab shots on the tennis court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. OP, my kids seem to have internalized their dad leaving us (midlife crisis) as they weren't worth caring about. Ex thinks thousands of dollars of therapy will "fix" it but it's not the same thing as a dad who dug deep, realized happiness comes from within and from being a good person, and who built a good childhood for them. Kids from single parent homes do not do as well, there isn't enough to go around - time, attention, $, and the kids have to make adjustments that they don't have the resources to navigate. My ex was so into the nesting idea/kids stay put and parents move in and out, if we ever split, then decided it was "too much" for him to live like that, better to foist it on preschoolers.

This makes me nuts, and I've seen it all over this thread, starting on the first page. (Sorry, PP, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back.) While it's possible that it's true in your case (the rest of your post is tl;dr), most divorced women I know misuse this phrase. He didn't leave "us," he left you, the spouse, the individual. There's a big, big difference. I know there are men who really leave their families - don't see the kids anymore, don't appear to care about them - and they suck beyond words. But more often, I think, men (and women) leave their spouse, and still are parents to the kids, and involved with them. Saying "he left us" is a combination of victimization, pity party, and attempting to mate the leaving spouse appear to worse than s/he really is. I know it comes from a place of hurt, but that doesn;t make it accurate, or healthy. I really hope you don't pass on that narrative to your kids.

Well, he moved out and moved in with a coworker and the kids she has partial custody of. She and her children have never met our kids. He sees them sporadically, typically at a restaurant. It's not the best "quality time" with young kids. It is becoming progressively less frequent. The kids feel like Daddy doesn't care and they feel "replaced", DS's word, not mine. So it is accurate, agree it's not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in general terms that any dad insisting that he left the wife and not the kids is just trying to make HIMself feel better about what he did.

That's what my ex likes to say and he's the one who lives with his colleague.

[Anonymous]

OP, the reasons you offered for ending your marriage are weak...I certainly hope there was more. Based on the little you've shared so far, you sound quite selfish and willing to buy into the idea that you tried and tried but damn it, you're still a victim. Poor you. Well, truth is your children are the victims. Perhaps it's best that you aren't a day-to-day influence in your kids' lives, but I tend to think kids prefer that their parents to stay together, even when one parent is self-involved and traveling a ton.

[Anonymous]

So you tried therapy "both individual and marriage" but determined you want different things in life. You said, "she wanted a 1950's husband." You also offer this advice that I sense you feel is wisdom: "never miss the opportunity to use your ears to hear what a spouse is telling you in terms of their needs/wants." So your wife told you in therapy that she "wanted a 1950's husband?" Did she really? What does that mean exactly? My thought is that you didn't take your own advice and listen and understand what she needs or wants but instead chose to define, compartmentalize, and trivialize what your wife expressed by summing it up with a stupid, mean-nothing catchphrase. So your wife isn't crazy about politics or art and that's a deal breaker? I can't help to wonder if maybe she could be more interested in those things than you think but because she's left doing the lion's share of parenting (while you travel extensively for work) she doesn't have the luxury of pursuing her interests or yours. And I'd think that your statement about the looks on your kids faces when they found out you were leaving ("something I will remember to my dying days") would be enough to make you work harder. I'm just left with an overwhelming ick factor about you...you're weak.

Oh, and this beauty: "One thing I definitely do not want to do is even think about dating for a very long time if ever." Who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Cause I'm guessing you'll be back out there trying pretty dang fast. And you mention maybe wanting to devote time to charity and mentoring...don't you have two children headed into their teen years? Come on, that's all the charity and mentoring opportunities one working man, who travels, can handle. But perhaps that's not sexy enough or doesn't fulfill your need to feel important? Give it a break, OP. I'm disgusted.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP sounds quite rational. You don't have to hate your spouse in a divorce, sometimes you just grow apart and people change. There was a time you loved them more than anything and you will always love them no matter what. Accepting that is easier said than done. GL OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you tried therapy "both individual and marriage" but determined you want different things in life. You said, "she wanted a 1950's husband." You also offer this advice that I sense you feel is wisdom: "never miss the opportunity to use your ears to hear what a spouse is telling you in terms of their needs/wants." So your wife told you in therapy that she "wanted a 1950's husband?" Did she really? What does that mean exactly? My thought is that you didn't take your own advice and listen and understand what she needs or wants but instead chose to define, compartmentalize, and trivialize what your wife expressed by summing it up with a stupid, mean-nothing catchphrase. So your wife isn't crazy about politics or art and that's a deal breaker? I can't help to wonder if maybe she could be more interested in those things than you think but because she's left doing the lion's share of parenting (while you travel extensively for work) she doesn't have the luxury of pursuing her interests or yours. And I'd think that your statement about the looks on your kids faces when they found out you were leaving ("something I will remember to my dying days") would be enough to make you work harder. I'm just left with an overwhelming ick factor about you...you're weak.

Oh, and this beauty: "One thing I definitely do not want to do is even think about dating for a very long time if ever." Who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Cause I'm guessing you'll be back out there trying pretty dang fast. And you mention maybe wanting to devote time to charity and mentoring...don't you have two children headed into their teen years? Come on, that's all the charity and mentoring opportunities one working man, who travels, can handle. But perhaps that's not sexy enough or doesn't fulfill your need to feel important? Give it a break, OP. I'm disgusted.

Weak and narcissistic.

OP, what are your wife's career options?

How will the kids' lives be impacted economically? How about college savings?

Will travel, tennis and the leisure time to "give back" to strangers characterize their day to day lives? Will they have to move, change schools, give up pastimes that they value? How has their sense of "family" and "commitment" been impacted? If they never marry or want to have children will it have been worth it?

How can you know that this divorce (most stressful thing that can happen to a kid short of your death) will not cause them to go off the rails as teens?

My ex used to show up at therapy and not speak. We changed and he would go (so he could say he "tried") and he didn't speak for the next 2 therapists either. None of the therapists had ever seen anything like it.

OP, maybe I'm misreading you. Have you always been someone who managed feelings by working a lot? Do you have longstanding close friendships with emotional depth? If no, that is why you are unhappy. You are projecting your feelings about midlife (disappointment, etc) onto your wife, with derision. No one relationship is supposed to meet more than 25% of our needs. I think you are remembering back to a time when your relationship was more fantasy than being with a real person for years. It's tough and it requires real personal growth. A lot of life is just showing up. I was not happy with my ex for years but my kids were thriving and he was often at work or away. Now they aren't doing so well. The idea that personal happiness is worth it at the expense of children is a myth. My ex has never taken responsibility for his own happiness. He's still unhappy. The kids are really struggling, and for what? The idea that if you don't fight in front of the kids that they will have the same life and opportunities as peers from stable families is just a myth. And blended families? Really tough on kids.

I guess OP that most of us are not buying the bs that you did everything and there was no use. My ex would cry about how he missed the kids, etc, his choice, I never once saw him cry in response to their feelings or needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP sounds quite rational. You don't have to hate your spouse in a divorce, sometimes you just grow apart and people change. There was a time you loved them more than anything and you will always love them no matter what. Accepting that is easier said than done. GL OP!

"Wonderful," Everclear

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP sounds quite rational. You don't have to hate your spouse in a divorce, sometimes you just grow apart and people change. There was a time you loved them more than anything and you will always love them no matter what. Accepting that is easier said than done. GL OP!

"Wonderful," Everclear

Great song.

What self serving BS. Are you a man who divorced his family?

I know a family that moved with similar aged kids OP and one kid was never the same from THAT change, got in with a bad crowd, etc. I would never take risks like that with other people's well being. Those kids are close to grown OP, your midlife crisis is the reason for the feeling that you couldn't possibly wait another day...

[Anonymous]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUfgAbFY4CA

I Will Buy You a New Life is good too.

My ex doesn't care that the kids are FARMS in day to day life, better to wow them with toys and gifts and rides in his BMW on the weekends he shows up.

[Anonymous]

OP- you package it all well, but after reading your post, my first impression was that you seem narcissistic.

I'm sorry but divorce is not going to fill you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you package it all well, but after reading your post, my first impression was that you seem narcissistic.

I'm sorry but divorce is not going to fill you up.

+1,000,000x10 for each kid

[Anonymous]

12:30, I fail to see why your not liking that idea would automatically disqualify OP and his wife from at least considering it.

12:40, THANK YOU. I would wager a large amount of money that those PP's are angry, and it shows, and the kids "catch" it. But as a followup reveals, that poster's ex isn't even trying to be a dad.

Either OP and his ex aren't a good match, or OP is a selfish twit.

OP, I really hope (assuming you're not postin' dirty) if your wife's done some bad things over the course of the marriage that you're not going to stay silent in some misguided attempt to "protect" your wife.

With that said -- how is wife better off staying married to a selfish twit? How is staying miserable in a marriage better for anyone involved?

I also hope these Defenders of Marriage put out, regularly, and otherwise live their lives like Proverbs 31 women (minus the God stuff if they're atheist, the rest is pretty much a Stepford wet dream.)

The OP seems a bit selfish, but the Defenders of Marriage just seem angry. I wonder how much good that does their kids.

[Anonymous]

22:35 get back to your convention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:22:35 get back to your convention.

I thought Republicans were Defenders of Marriage. Come on, tell us how your overwhelming anger is doing any good for your kids.