I filed for divorce today and feel awful

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP, and appreciate some of these kind words. And to those who blew me out of the water, did you read the second paragraph? My soon to be ex is a woman I thought enough of to marry and have children. I did not throw her away. And as I wrote, we both went to individual and marriage therapy. Was I a perfect husband and father? No but I tried to be the best I could.

Midlife crisis? I have no desire to see my kids every other weekend and then once a week. But we both tried and tried and realized that we were subtracting, rather than adding to each other's life. When does any couple say enough is enough and decide to go their separate ways? There is no right answer. It is gut wrenching even when you are the one making the call. And if it sounded trite that I mentioned tennis and seeing where my skills could be used, what I meant was outside of time with my children, doing things to better myself and also see where I might be of assistance to others - volunteering, providing mentoring, etc.

Never once in a million years did I ever think I would wind up with this day happening. I once heard a marriage counselor on TV say that almost without exception, the people she sees are desperate to save their marriage. Count me in that category but sometimes it just cannot be done.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, you've wandered into unfriendly territory for divorced men. Pay no attention to these few man hating shrews
I would assume all the unfriendly remarks can be sourced to unhappy, divorced women, who's little pleasure in life in life comes from putting down men. No wonder they're all, presumably, alone, no man would want such hateful creatures

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a complete drip. You are a middle aged man with middle school aged children who has left his family and filed for divorce, and you say you want to "travel, read books and improve your tennis game!" You sound like a 20 year old, not an adult!

Your children will be forever changed by your decision to destroy their family, but your lofty hopes/dreams for your life without them includes reading and tennis?!?!? Wow.

I sincerely hope that your ex-wife meets a real man. I can only imagine what an eye-opening, life changing experience that might be for her after having wasted years on a loser like you!!

I would hope no one here would take advice from a man who threw his family away so that he could read, play tennis and engage in whatever pseudo-profound plans you may have for your "energy and skills".

Guess what, when you wake up tomorrow, you will still be what you are today: a middle aged guy who hasn't achieved enough in life to really be satisfied. Your ex-wife wasn't the cause of this, your kids weren't the cause, being a family man wasn't the cause - you were the cause. And now you are stuck with yourself. Alone with yourself. Who are you going to blame for your uninspired life now?

Do you want OP to reconsider his decision, or do you want to lash out about the things that make you angry?

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm OP. I see a lot of blaming your wife for this in your post. This part in particular rubbed me the wrong way:

"we just wanted different things in life - I travel for work and am ambitious - she wanted a 1950's husband. I am very interested in politics and the arts - she avoids these subjects. I try to be a firm but loving parent, she disciplines like a prison guard."

You're not giving any nods to her side at all. From her perspective, she may not see "likes to travel for work and be ambitious," she may see "is never home and values his job at the expense of his family." You say she avoids the topics of politics and the arts, maybe she has different interests. Your spouse cannot have everything in common with you. You say she is a prison guard, maybe she tries to be the disciplinarian since you're always traveling for work and you think you can come home and be the fun one.

I just find it odd that your three reasons for divorcing her explain your preference as so obviously right and hers as so negative. You could have phrased those much less combatively. And I guess you'd never be able to explain the whole story in a few paragraphs, but what I see here is a man leaving his wife and kids because he values his job and his ambition as his persona over an image of involved family man.

I hope that's not true, OP, and it does sound like you tried. I would love to hear your wife's side of this though. Why did you file and not her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP, and appreciate some of these kind words. And to those who blew me out of the water, did you read the second paragraph? My soon to be ex is a woman I thought enough of to marry and have children. I did not throw her away. And as I wrote, we both went to individual and marriage therapy. Was I a perfect husband and father? No but I tried to be the best I could.

Midlife crisis? I have no desire to see my kids every other weekend and then once a week. But we both tried and tried and realized that we were subtracting, rather than adding to each other's life. When does any couple say enough is enough and decide to go their separate ways? There is no right answer. It is gut wrenching even when you are the one making the call. And if it sounded trite that I mentioned tennis and seeing where my skills could be used, what I meant was outside of time with my children, doing things to better myself and also see where I might be of assistance to others - volunteering, providing mentoring, etc.

Never once in a million years did I ever think I would wind up with this day happening. I once heard a marriage counselor on TV say that almost without exception, the people she sees are desperate to save their marriage. Count me in that category but sometimes it just cannot be done.

OP, I was someone who was harsh because I misunderstood what you said about your kids - sorry I read to fast.

So now, I won't be harsh, but I will say this. Reread your post. It was a lot of negative stuff about your wife, and great stuff about you. I'm sorry, but that is BS. And if it is true, people don't change and you need to figure out what is going on that you chose that person who sounds by the way, horrible, and what you ever saw in her is beyond me. Really, does the mother of your child totally suck? Reread the post. I just didn't see much responsibility for the divorce. And it is a shared responsibility, you were not a victim, nor was she.

What you didn't learn in marriage, you will learn in divorce. And that's a good thing. Life gives us challenges to help us grow. Don't waste this opportunity. If you do you will marry the same type of person and go through the same crap.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. No bashing from me. I'm sure today sucks. Hopefully you can all move onward and upward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a complete drip. You are a middle aged man with middle school aged children who has left his family and filed for divorce, and you say you want to "travel, read books and improve your tennis game!" You sound like a 20 year old, not an adult!

Your children will be forever changed by your decision to destroy their family, but your lofty hopes/dreams for your life without them includes reading and tennis?!?!? Wow.

I sincerely hope that your ex-wife meets a real man. I can only imagine what an eye-opening, life changing experience that might be for her after having wasted years on a loser like you!!

I would hope no one here would take advice from a man who threw his family away so that he could read, play tennis and engage in whatever pseudo-profound plans you may have for your "energy and skills".

Guess what, when you wake up tomorrow, you will still be what you are today: a middle aged guy who hasn't achieved enough in life to really be satisfied. Your ex-wife wasn't the cause of this, your kids weren't the cause, being a family man wasn't the cause - you were the cause. And now you are stuck with yourself. Alone with yourself. Who are you going to blame for your uninspired life now?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, you've wandered into unfriendly territory for divorced men. Pay no attention to these few man hating shrews
I would assume all the unfriendly remarks can be sourced to unhappy, divorced women, who's little pleasure in life in life comes from putting down men. No wonder they're all, presumably, alone, no man would want such hateful creatures

What a great line!

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't sound like he really wants a divorce in many ways. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like he really wants a divorce in many ways. Sad.

I think he admits that. He also admits that there's no way to make their marriage work though. Lesser of two evils I suppose.

[Anonymous]

Some of these comments are so typical meaning when a woman on here files for divorce, it is a "bold, awareness-raising execise in seeking fullfillment and finding one's true self", but let a man file and he is a self-centered SOB and loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't sound like he really wants a divorce in many ways. Sad.

What got me was when he wrote that he could still remember the first time he kissed her. I wonder how many men even think of that. Maybe he really loved her and still might.

[Anonymous]

OP...Hang in there and do not listen to the haters that are on here!

[Anonymous]

For the few reasons you listed, I don't see how things can't work out for your two. If cheating, abuse, or financial irresponsibility is invovled, a divorce is more justified. But for difference in personal interests and child discipline styles? I am afraid you may be difficult to find another woman to be happy with. Because life is not perfect, whoever you find and decide to be with, the fun and exiciting moments will be replaced by mundane life responsibilities. And differences in personality and interests will start to surface after the newness of a relationship is worn off.

With that said, I hope you and your wife can both move on and have a happy future.

[Anonymous]

You seem far better than what I'm stuck with, OP. It sounds like you are willing to do what you can to minimize damage to your kids and to be civil to your soon to be ex. I think what I'm exposing my kids to by staying with DH is worse. I'm just going to continue to try getting DH to change his behavior for a little while longer before I throw in the towel. Off to our fourth therapist in 4 years! I hope you find peace, OP.