I filed for divorce today and feel awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Agree with much of what you said PP, but it only takes one selfish person who didn't find family life all that rewarding to break a marriage. My divorce was driven by ex's mental health issues and poor parenting. Divorce hasn't changed that, just pushed me and the kids close to the poverty level. My request that he do something about his issues (which were causing the kids to have anxiety and sadness due to his disconnection) led him to have an affair and then move in with a "new" family. My kids haven't had any good options since whatever his problems are kicked off in his early 30's.

I think the cases where people divorce just because of their adult relationship but otherwise are healthy, stable, mature adults is the minority. Most divorced families I know do not have 2 super involved parents or enough money, and often there are mental health issues (depression, ADHD, personality disorders, problems with intimacy, addiciton) in one spouse. Obviously 2 involved stable parents would be the next best choice. But when one parent is unstable and unpredictable and self absorbed the ideal is for that person to get effective treatment."

Thank you for this. I'm so tired of the sanctimonious a**holes on this board claiming that every divorce is the fault of both partners who just didn't work hard enough.

I for one am not trying to be a sanctimonious asshole. Many of us are either divorced are on the verge of divorce. No sanctimony from me. But with a 50% divorce rate, I dont' think 50% of the population falls in love with and become parents with people who turn into assholes. Of course there are some marriages that should end or when one person doesn't step up or whatever. But OP didn't come here very humbled from this experience. He was just blaming his wife. A significant number of second marriages fail, even more than the first marriages. That shows there are a lot of people who go on to make the same mistake. I just don't want to OP to make the same mistakes.

Don't want to go off the subject, but that statistic has been proven incorrect. Among college educated people who marry after 25, it is much lower.

[Anonymous]

Obviously there's more than we can know, but your just plain wrong that you have to work long hours to live in this area. So what I hear is that your job is more important than keeping your family together.

[Anonymous]

You're

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I was one of the posters saying you were blaming your wife and not taking responsibility. I still haven't seen much on your part on what you did to contribute, but regardless, I wish you well. I think therapy could really help, and I think you are really smart not to date right away. You will likely attract someone in a similar mess and you need time to heal and grow. Your wife got divorced twice and I'm sure you don't want to go through this again. Best of luck to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there's more than we can know, but your just plain wrong that you have to work long hours to live in this area. So what I hear is that your job is more important than keeping your family together.

Yeah, but you might have to live in Leesburg or Frederick. So, back to the grindstone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with some more answers:
1) her first marraige ended because of infidelity-his not hers
2) no, she does not want a divorce. She would rather stay in the situation mostly I think because I make most of the money
3) how do I reconcile leaving my children with someone harming them? It's either that or play referee until they are off to college.
4) how come I am not fighting for sole custody? My attorney and friends of mine who tried have come up against a brick wall. We live in 2012 with 1960's laws.
5) I work long hours (welcome to how to make enough money to live in the area) but do not expect every night to be a discussion of world political issues. And she would be the first to admit that I do more than my share of housework and child care.
6) would I want the kids full time? If I had to I would do what it took. But the only time I have ever seen a man get full custody is when he was able to prove that his wife was a drug addict.
7) connection missing? You bet. That kind of match when two people area a team has been gone for years. That is what I miss most.
8) how close are we living? Within five minutes.

Are you for real?! You lost me on #3. Any good father would OF COURSE rather "referee until they are off to college" rather than leave their children with someone "harming them." Also, you statement about whether or not your would want the kids full time is telling. You say: "If I had to I would do what it took." If you HAD to - WTF??? Having custody of the children is a privilege and honor for most parents. I can't imagine anyone reading your words claiming that you sound like a man who really wants his kids.

You want out. Just own that. You want to paint your ex as someone who is angry, wants your money, has been divorced in the past and hits your kids. Maybe, or maybe not; who knows. Regardless, you, unknowingly paint yourself as a much worse actor here: you are selfish and you DON'T really want your kids. That much is plain here. I find myself pleased that this is an anonymous forum b/c I can only imagine the further pain you would cause your kids with your callous, empty, narcissistic and lame excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously there's more than we can know, but your just plain wrong that you have to work long hours to live in this area. So what I hear is that your job is more important than keeping your family together.

Yeah, but you might have to live in Leesburg or Frederick. So, back to the grindstone.

No you really don't. You might not be living in a million dollar home driving a fancy car, but you really don't have to work until 8 at night. Especially if it means losing your family.

[Anonymous]

OP - it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to your wife that her man doesn't work for her and that we're not in the 1950s any more. She sounds like she wasn't quite on your level, either. You can overlook that in the early years of a relationship, but over time it's hard to ignore when you're married to someone with little intellectual depth or curiosity. Far better that you divorce her now and regain your sanity than continue to live in a box.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. You lost me when you said that your wife physically abuses your children, so you are leaving your children with her. That is a totally selfish decision, and shows callous disregard for your children.

[Anonymous]

I agree with this:You want out. Just own that. You want to paint your ex as someone who is angry, wants your money, has been divorced in the past and hits your kids. Maybe, or maybe not; who knows. Regardless, you, unknowingly paint yourself as a much worse actor here: you are selfish and you DON'T really want your kids. That much is plain here."

You're reasons are excuses. At least own that you want out.

[Anonymous]

Argh YOUR

[Anonymous]

A lot of men are getting 50/50 custody and even primary custody these days. And as a woman I'm all for it, men need to contribute equally in the parenting role. I hate when I hear about men only seeing their kids only on the weekend, or once a month, or even worse just for the summer.

You laid down to make the kids with her, they are equally your responsibility.

Don't try and get off from your parenting responsibility with the excuse that men never win because they can and do. If you think your wife is a danger to the kids, its your responsibility as a father to fight for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, she still spanks them - my 12 year old was smacked the other day. Her mother was a spanker and I think this is where she got this from.

Regarding custody, I am looking for two nights a week and every other weekend. Unless your wife is an ax murderer, sole custody for a man is fruitless to attempt.

Re: the spanking. Out of concern for the kids, I would talk to your attorney about that. Not divorced (so no experience there) but I wonder if you could put in writing where she agrees not to spank the kids. I would think most experts in childhood behavior would view spanking to be abusive and hurts a child self-esteem and the family law courts would tend to agree. Definitely not the right route to go with disciplining teenagers. Seems to be just an anger reaction instead of logical parenting and what does it model for the kids?

I am planning to do this. There have been times where in front of the kids I have told her to stop to no avail.

OP, does she have anger managment problems or perhaps untreated depression/ADHD? It is uncommon for someone to hit children in middle school. I also fear that the stress will cause her to be more abusive to the kids. It sounds like an emotional connection is missing there too. I dunno, in your shoes I might want to stick around for the kids OP. Find your "connection" elsewhere if you must but it doesn't sound like your kids are going to get their emotional needs met. If she hits them in front of you when you object how abandoned are they going to feel that you've left altogether? Shouldn't you be protecting them?

Were her parents abusive? EMDR is supposed to be very helpful.

I've never heard that parental violence decreased after children reach a certain age. Can you cite sources?

[Anonymous]

"Spanking" as "discipline" is usually replaced with consequences like loss of privileges or screen time as kids age. I'm agreeing with you actually that the idea that you have to swat your 2 year old to keep him/her out of the street rings hollow when you are slapping a 12 year old who is big enough to hit back.

OP, you are shallow, vain and narcisstic. I hope that your ex loves those kids more than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men are getting 50/50 custody and even primary custody these days. And as a woman I'm all for it, men need to contribute equally in the parenting role. I hate when I hear about men only seeing their kids only on the weekend, or once a month, or even worse just for the summer.

You laid down to make the kids with her, they are equally your responsibility.

Don't try and get off from your parenting responsibility with the excuse that men never win because they can and do. If you think your wife is a danger to the kids, its your responsibility as a father to fight for them.

He doesn't want to do so.

He wants to kind of limply flake off.