I filed for divorce today and feel awful

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but what self-respecting adult goes on DCUM with this soul-bearing stuff on the day of the filing?
Go talk to your friends or family, for god's sake.

[Anonymous]

OP I posted before about taking responsibility. It's not to beat you up, it's to empower you. I know today is hard. But blaming won't get you anywhere.

I hope you find peace. It doesn't sound like your divorce had to happen. Just a stat for you - 10% of people who divorce get back together. It's never too late. None of those problems sound like deal breakers to me.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I'm going to sign my divorce agreement today. In a way, I am another point of view: the wife. I worked a demanding, full-time job (lawyer) so my husband could pursue his dream job and took unpaid internships to get a foot in the door. I did this for 5 years until he came to me and said he was moving out. We argued quite a bit (hey, I was stressed out from working and then coming home and cooking and cleaning), but I loved him and thought we could make it work. Even when he stopped sleeping with me and when he confessed to lying in therapy, I thought we had a chance. As I go into the office to sign my divorce papers, I'll know I tried everything I could and my husband is not the same person with whom I fell in love and married.

I know we have different situations but reading your post made me think of my ex. He didn't deserve me. I know I'll be better off in the long run, and I hope your wife and kids will feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

OP, something about your post repelled me. To be honest, many things I read on DCUM drive me batty, but your post was exceptional, and I have read others' reactions carefully. Some of the dressings-down you received were mean-spirited, but insightful. I hope you have a sense of humility to listen, and not dismiss the criticisms outright.

For me, what I keep coming back to is your children. As you clearly stated, you wiped the happiness off their faces. You destroyed their family, the family they had. You permanently changed their understanding of marriage, faithful love, selflessness, manliness, etc. What could be more important than protecting your kids' right to be raised by the parents whose love helped create them?

Do you know what love is? It is laying down one's life for the beloved. Would you take a bullet for your kids? Without thinking, right? Well, some sacrifices are less dramatic, but just as vital. Would you lay down your LIFE (as you wish to live it) for them? No? Why not? What is more important? Ambition? Reading books? Travel? Tennis?

I read your clarification that you want to spend time with your kids--those other activities are not more important. My question is, if your post is for real from the heart, how could you even be THINKING about all the things you get to do FOR YOURSELF now, on the day you formally slice your kids out of your daily life?? The day I lost my kids like that would be the day my soul died. Your actions speak louder than your words, OP, and your words are frankly disturbing.

Have you ever gone down on your knees in front of your wife, the mother of your children, and asked her forgiveness for all the ways you have wronged her over the years? Have you ever said you were sorry, and that you want to do better? When you catalog the ways she falls short, do you do the same for yourself? How can you know that you are responsible for ruining your children's faith in you and not want to try to make things right, even now?

Please, OP, I don't know you or your wife or your problems, but I do know kids need and deserve BOTH parents. Please, for their sake, rethink the vows you made to your wife and the commitment you have to those innocent children. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life without the intimacy a man and a woman share when they raise their children together? Is there really anything in this world that is more important than the protective love a father has for his wife and kids?

You can do better than what you wrote. I know you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, something about your post repelled me. To be honest, many things I read on DCUM drive me batty, but your post was exceptional, and I have read others' reactions carefully. Some of the dressings-down you received were mean-spirited, but insightful. I hope you have a sense of humility to listen, and not dismiss the criticisms outright.

For me, what I keep coming back to is your children. As you clearly stated, you wiped the happiness off their faces. You destroyed their family, the family they had. You permanently changed their understanding of marriage, faithful love, selflessness, manliness, etc. What could be more important than protecting your kids' right to be raised by the parents whose love helped create them?

Do you know what love is? It is laying down one's life for the beloved. Would you take a bullet for your kids? Without thinking, right? Well, some sacrifices are less dramatic, but just as vital. Would you lay down your LIFE (as you wish to live it) for them? No? Why not? What is more important? Ambition? Reading books? Travel? Tennis?

I read your clarification that you want to spend time with your kids--those other activities are not more important. My question is, if your post is for real from the heart, how could you even be THINKING about all the things you get to do FOR YOURSELF now, on the day you formally slice your kids out of your daily life?? The day I lost my kids like that would be the day my soul died. Your actions speak louder than your words, OP, and your words are frankly disturbing.

Have you ever gone down on your knees in front of your wife, the mother of your children, and asked her forgiveness for all the ways you have wronged her over the years? Have you ever said you were sorry, and that you want to do better? When you catalog the ways she falls short, do you do the same for yourself? How can you know that you are responsible for ruining your children's faith in you and not want to try to make things right, even now?

Please, OP, I don't know you or your wife or your problems, but I do know kids need and deserve BOTH parents. Please, for their sake, rethink the vows you made to your wife and the commitment you have to those innocent children. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life without the intimacy a man and a woman share when they raise their children together? Is there really anything in this world that is more important than the protective love a father has for his wife and kids?

You can do better than what you wrote. I know you can.

+10000000000000000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

As someone who was married to someone a lot like you OP, pls take the wise PP's words to heart.

I think you are a bit selfish and self absorbed. Your kids will not be "fine" they now lack something that is fundamental, a sense of foundation and stability. Family is where kids get a sense of themselves. You say you went to therapy, blah, blah. Therapy is the WORST for self absorbed people.

Try thinking of it this way. If divorce was not an option, what could you DO to make your wife feel adored and cherished? Love is a verb. How could you treat her that would give your kids an example of how love between spouses should look? If you only saw the good, what would your description of her and your marriage look like?

I think you want a big pat on the back for not hooking up with someone right away. That again goes all to how you want to see and present yourself. Shift your focus to your kids rather than how their reaction made YOU feel. For my ex, everything always shifts immediately back to his feelings. What about character, commitment to giving them the best start in life, honor, loyalty, etc? What do they want and need and deserve? How can you grow into the man who gives it to them 24/7? How can you show them what a real man who is commited to his family acts like?

Your divorce is about shallowness and selfishness OP. A little volunteer work and tennis won't help you with that.

Some divorced parents see the kids every day or take turns moving in and out of the house. Their lives still center around the well being of the kids and their lives changing as little as possible. Could you fit that in between tennis games?

Lots of folks reconcile while the divorce is pending too OP.
Read The Five Love Languages for ideas on how to be the man that your wife married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the few reasons you listed, I don't see how things can't work out for your two. If cheating, abuse, or financial irresponsibility is invovled, a divorce is more justified. But for difference in personal interests and child discipline styles? I am afraid you may be difficult to find another woman to be happy with. Because life is not perfect, whoever you find and decide to be with, the fun and exiciting moments will be replaced by mundane life responsibilities. And differences in personality and interests will start to surface after the newness of a relationship is worn off.

With that said, I hope you and your wife can both move on and have a happy future.

I posted earlier about my divorce (glad I did it). I have to say I agree with you. I fought my divorce for years, despite the fact that my ex was barely working, not interested in parenting, lied, cheated, stole, hell the final straw was when he hooked up with a MARRIED CHRISTIAN MINISTER on facebook and she was flying into town to meet him at a hotel so he could boink her. At that point, after five years of therpay and three different therapists (first two told me to leave him) I finally gave up.

Your differences do sound rather trivial, OP. Maybe there's more to it than you have shared. But really, if you both are reasonable all you should need to do is compromise on some issues, find a hobby or two to SHARE, join some clubs or a book group or something to enjoy the pasttimes you don't share, and set firm rules about what discipline is going to entail.

Really if you love(d) this woman and you want to do right by your kids, I think you have an obligation to try again. Absent infidelity or abuse (emotional or physical) I don't understand why you can't work this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was married to someone a lot like you OP, pls take the wise PP's words to heart.

I think you are a bit selfish and self absorbed. Your kids will not be "fine" they now lack something that is fundamental, a sense of foundation and stability. Family is where kids get a sense of themselves. You say you went to therapy, blah, blah. Therapy is the WORST for self absorbed people.

Try thinking of it this way. If divorce was not an option, what could you DO to make your wife feel adored and cherished? Love is a verb. How could you treat her that would give your kids an example of how love between spouses should look? If you only saw the good, what would your description of her and your marriage look like?

I think you want a big pat on the back for not hooking up with someone right away. That again goes all to how you want to see and present yourself. Shift your focus to your kids rather than how their reaction made YOU feel. For my ex, everything always shifts immediately back to his feelings. What about character, commitment to giving them the best start in life, honor, loyalty, etc? What do they want and need and deserve? How can you grow into the man who gives it to them 24/7? How can you show them what a real man who is commited to his family acts like?

Your divorce is about shallowness and selfishness OP. A little volunteer work and tennis won't help you with that.

Some divorced parents see the kids every day or take turns moving in and out of the house. Their lives still center around the well being of the kids and their lives changing as little as possible. Could you fit that in between tennis games?

Lots of folks reconcile while the divorce is pending too OP.
Read The Five Love Languages for ideas on how to be the man that your wife married.

All of this. Well done, PP.

[Anonymous]

If the wife is so great, why don't the PPs like 8:11 and 22:09 marry her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is so great, why don't the PPs like 8:11 and 22:09 marry her?

22:09 here, and I clearly said I don't know OP or his wife. I only have his characterization of the marriage, and the hard fact that he ended the marriage.

But his own words are very telling, because, as 8:11 said, they are all about HIM. Not only that, but he offers some marital advice, to listen to your spouse's wants and needs. That is still characterizing marriage as an arrangement of narcissism: two people taking what they need from one another. WRONG. Marriage is about GIVING, not TAKING. That is the whole essence of being a parent, too.

So under the circumstances, I don't need to know about his wife to stand by my words. There are innocent children involved.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, I have to say that your post also made my skin crawl. Perhaps it wasn't a good reflection of you. In any case, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I think it's very tough for women who give up their jobs/careers to have a family these days. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have my own work (albeit part-time) that provides me with some sense of purpose and helps me to not have to rely on my DH for emotional support. How hard it must have been for your wife to dedicate herself completely to your children (my DH and I agree completely that the role of childcarer is far more difficult and emotionally-draining than either of our careers). How hard it will be for her now - she doesn't have the option of travelling, meeting new people, getting into politics, art, blah, blah ....

I think you are right - you didn't listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Suppose nobody feels great on this day but I just filed to end the marriage between myself and my wife. We dated for four years and were married for eleven. Two kids, both in middle school. We tried therapy, both individual and marriage but it did not save us. In the end, we just wanted different things in life - I travel for work and am ambitious - she wanted a 1950's husband. I am very interested in politics and the arts - she avoids these subjects. I try to be a firm but loving parent, she disciplines like a prison guard.

I am going through a million emotions but the thing that really gets me is the memories of when we first met and got married - days where there were so many hopes and dreams that now will not fully get resolved. I can still remember the first time I ever kissed her as if it was yesterday. I also worry about my children and how this will affect them. The look on their faces when they found out I was leaving is something I will remember to my dying days.

One thing I definitely do not want to do is even think about dating for a very long time if ever. Instead of trying to morph into what women are looking for in men, time out - I need to figure out and be what I want. Outside of being with my children, I would like to travel, read books, improve my tennis game, and see what ways the world could use some of my energy and skills.

Marriage advice from a divorcing man might sound stupid to listen to, but what I would recommend is never miss the opportunity to use your ears to hear what a spouse is telling you in terms of their needs/wants. It is too easy in this world of ours to let work, cleaning the hoise, and everything else get in the way of good communications.

OP, how many marriage counselors did you try? EFT is the gold standard right now, there is research to back it up and Gottman has endorsed it. It's also short term. If you and your wife could learn to really meet each other's emotional needs the other stuff would receed back to being small differences. Why not call your wife and tell her the thoughts that you shared here? What if you could fall in love with her again and still be a separate person with different interests? I think your thoughts are telling you that maybe you are making a mistake OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the wife is so great, why don't the PPs like 8:11 and 22:09 marry her?

22:09 here, and I clearly said I don't know OP or his wife. I only have his characterization of the marriage, and the hard fact that he ended the marriage.

But his own words are very telling, because, as 8:11 said, they are all about HIM. Not only that, but he offers some marital advice, to listen to your spouse's wants and needs. That is still characterizing marriage as an arrangement of narcissism: two people taking what they need from one another. WRONG. Marriage is about GIVING, not TAKING. That is the whole essence of being a parent, too.

So under the circumstances, I don't need to know about his wife to stand by my words. There are innocent children involved.

This. I remember an anecdote where someone went up to Steven Covney and basically said what OP has said. He asked what to do and got the advice "Love your wife. But what do I do? That's it." I was married to a narcissist who bailed and I really think OP that you need to get in touch with some bigger concepts and themes. Think about character, talk to a minister. That you don't want to be romantically involved again suggests to me that there is a lot of hurt inside that you may think is coming from your wife but really is about you and possibly your family of origen. Call your wife. Tell her you keep thinking about the first time you kissed. Find a therapist who can help you get deeper than career and hobbies to where YOU can express your emotional needs honestly and take the risk that they will be met or not. EFT sounds promising, I found the book "Scream Free Marriage" very helpful (neither of you has to be screamers, it's a shorthand for how our own anxieties and issues get acted out in a relationship. Your feelings about your wife and kids are telling you something. Did you and your wife have any interests that you shared? Did you take trips alone together or take classes? If not, sounds like a lot of time and energy could be redirected. Tennis won't share your life and dreams and give your kids the best start in life. Why not ask your wife out to dinner and share the thoughts you are having about how you started and where you hope to go with her? Then ask her the same.

[Anonymous]

The last few posts are telling. I think this man might still really care. 10% of couples remarry? I would bet that there are many more who on a quiet day alone in thought wish that they had done things differently or could have tried harder or would love a second chance.

[Anonymous]

How is the tennis game today sport?