If your wife stopped having sex with you, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

E. I would swing by DCUM everyday to get in internet arguments and take out my frustrations on women who are doing the same thing to their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

There are only 2 options: B and C. Open marriage or Divorce. If your wife stops having sex with you, that IS her consent for B. You do not need any further permission: just go enjoy your open marriage. Or, if you prefer, divorce. I don't understand how some people are the least bit confused about this simple/basic fact. Normal, healthy men do not just "stop" having sex. Options A and D do not exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

There are only 2 options: B and C. Open marriage or Divorce. If your wife stops having sex with you, that IS her consent for B. You do not need any further permission: just go enjoy your open marriage. Or, if you prefer, divorce. I don't understand how some people are the least bit confused about this simple/basic fact. Normal, healthy men do not just "stop" having sex. Options A and D do not exist.

Ugh. Yoi again open marriage poster. I knew we'd see you soon. Like so many have told you before, so people believe their marriage vows mean no sleeping with other people while you're married - even if one partner unilaterally decides to stop having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops.

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave.

This right here, at least from my experience. DW had no interest in sex, and anything I did to help her out or make her feel good was just thrown back at me saying I only did it because I wanted sex, which was true but I would have continued to go above and beyond if it meant spending time with the woman I loved. She felt there was nothing wrong in our marriage and because we were done having children there was no need to have sex any longer.
I started with A, without the porn, and when something came up one time about masturbation and I admitted I did that she said I was disgusting and perverted.
I planned on using A until D became an option, and I tied to talk about it but it always caused her blowing up into a argument.
Finally I said I wanted C, which caused another huge argument, but the next day she decided that having sex with her husband was better then getting a job.

There are only 2 options: B and C. Open marriage or Divorce. If your wife stops having sex with you, that IS her consent for B. You do not need any further permission: just go enjoy your open marriage. Or, if you prefer, divorce. I don't understand how some people are the least bit confused about this simple/basic fact. Normal, healthy men do not just "stop" having sex. Options A and D do not exist.

Ugh. Yoi again open marriage poster. I knew we'd see you soon. Like so many have told you before, so people believe their marriage vows mean no sleeping with other people while you're married - even if one partner unilaterally decides to stop having sex.

Those same "marriage vows" are bilateral. The no sleeping with other people comes with a commitment to regularly sleep with each other. So the person who unilaterally decides to stop having sex has broken those vows, thereby opening the marriage.

[Anonymous]

B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:E. Figure out why and if there's something that can be done.

Has wife said outright "No more sex"?

In my case, from the outside you could say I'm withholding sex as we've probably done it less than a dozen times since DC was born. Reality is I'm tired and feel fat and ugly and unsexy. DH tries to initiate just as I'm dropping off to sleep. We love each other but he tends not to initiate other physical affection throughout the day unless he wants sex that night. Whereas, even if I don't want sex, I might grab his butt as I walk by or lean over and kiss whatever body part I can reach - cheek, arm, mouth - if I'm in proximity, simply to let him know that I do find him attractive and love him.

I'm having a feeling that he's at A right now. Can't prove it, but a hunch.

You are really a dummy who does not realize her good fortune in having a loving DH you actually find attractive. Who cares that you feel fat and unsexy? Buy some lingerie that covers the unsexy bits. If you don't get over yourself you will lose his love. I withstood rejection many times for years. In the last year our physical contact finally became more frequent. But a funny thing happened: I didn't have the same emotional response. My feelings may change but it is far from instantaneous or guaranteed. You are taking a big risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A. Get used to relieving yourself and watching porn
B. Stay married and have affairs
C. Get Divorced now
D. Get Divorced after the kids are older

I think I would need more facts. If it was do to her health, I might consider A. Young and no kids, C. Kids and we got along other than in the bedroom, I'd likely discuss the open marriage scenario but regardless, I would likely go the affair route but attempt to be very discreet. If we didn't get along, C unless I was financially dependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

Depends on lot's of factors. It's not all cut and dried. It will be a financial hit no matter what, but if the marriage can't be saved..yes move on.

Marriage or not often the next relationship will have another set of problems. Maybe better or worse. I've seen that with many friends and acquaintances. Too many people divorce and don't fix themselves only to have continued problems.

If someone is not having sex it's most likely BOTH parties at fault fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

The problem is divorced guys want the benefits of being married without the commitment. If you truly want just a sexual relationship with a woman, offer to "sponsor" someone and get your needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

The problem is divorced guys want the benefits of being married without the commitment. If you truly want just a sexual relationship with a woman, offer to "sponsor" someone and get your needs met.

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B and D, having affairs or divorcing when the kids are grown -- in these options, you are paying for your wife to live comfortably in your house when she despises you and provides little or no value to your life. Plus when you eventually divorce, your retirement savings and the marital estate will be larger than they are now, so she'll get more of your wealth.

Sack up and pull the plug.

Second marriages fail at a greater rate. It will be a big financial hit. Have an affair and you will likely damage your relationship with the kids and others. If you can't work it out at least divorce amicably.

Second marriages? Who said anything about marrying again. Learn your lesson and don't do that again.

My point was that the financial hit is larger if you wait. Divorce now is always cheaper than divorce later.

I also did not say "don't divorce amicably".

Sack up and pull the plug. Do it as soon as possible and as amicably as possible, but do it.

The problem is divorced guys want the benefits of being married without the commitment. If you truly want just a sexual relationship with a woman, offer to "sponsor" someone and get your needs met.

LMAO the whole reason they get divorced is they made the commitment but didn't get the supposed benefits of marriage.

Actual "benefits" of marriage: woman who loses interest in you, gives you once a month pity sex if at all, doesn't do anything around the house, is expensive to get rid of, can cheat on you and leave you without fear of punishment. In short, a shit deal for men.

And no, in this day and age, there is no need to pay for sex. It's out there in the wild, more or less free!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This actually pertains to me. My wife and I have not had sex for 2 and a half years. I love her. She is my soul mate. I don't want to leave or divorce but if I make an advance she will always push me away.There are no other overriding conflicts. No abuse, no alcohol or drug abuse, no infidelity. Frankly I don;t know what to do. I don't initialize anything anymore because I know she will not want me. I just wondered if anyone else fell into this pattern and ever recovered their marriage.

So, other than making advances and then stopping making futile advances, what steps have you taken to attempt to resolve this issue? If you are just accepting it and ignoring it, it is not going to help. There is an issue and it needs to be addressed.