If your wife stopped having sex with you, what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa!!! No blame. no assigning fault. People get to change priorities. Sorry some chick said your not good in bed.

That's right, "people get to change priorities" without regard to their partner's continued feelings that something is important. For example, my wife still thinks monogamy is very important, but whoa!! that just is not a priority for me anymore.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is a definite C. (Barring the fact that I'm not having sex because I have cancer or am recovering from serious surgery or something like that.) If we're just living life and everything is otherwise fine but I tell him sex is off the table or just refuse to have it, he'd be gone. I would give it maybe a year tops. [/quote]

"Can't" versus "won't" is a crucial part of my response. If my wife got sick or whatever and just couldn't have sex without being miserable despite her best efforts to find a solution, I'd masturbate more and keep loving her just as much. If it's just something where she loses interest and isn't concerned enough about my happiness and the health of my connection to her to make an effort to get interested again; then we look at C or D. It depends on the age of the kids and how bad things are otherwise at home. If things are more or less friendly at home, then wait until the kids are gone. If the hostility at home outweighs any benefit from having two kids at home, then end it now. Cheating is simply lying and betrayal and shouldn't be considered. [b]However, I guess an open marriage with the consent of the low libido spouse might be an option.[/b] [/quote]

The problem that I notice with this sort of scenario is the spouse who unilaterally cuts of sex is selfish. They care only about their personal wants and wishes and not that of their spouse. (This goes both ways- men and women can put the other in sexless marriages.) This inherent selfishness makes them pretty much unlikely to be amenable to allowing their partner to at least get satisfaction outside the marriage. They want their spouse in the home, honoring them, valuing them, and only them, but refuse to do the same. Generally, "low libido" partners aren't willing to compromise a little to make their spouses happy by having sex, nor are they willing to compromise by allowing them to have extramarital purely-sex affairs either. So the sexless spouse has two choices most of the time: live with it, or leave. [/quote]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa!!! No blame. no assigning fault. People get to change priorities. Sorry some chick said your not good in bed.

That's right, "people get to change priorities" without regard to their partner's continued feelings that something is important. For example, my wife still thinks monogamy is very important, but whoa!! that just is not a priority for me anymore.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman who had lost interest; for the last 2-3 years we had sex maybe once a month. We finally found a really good counselor and within a few weeks I regained my interest again. We are having fantastic, frequent sex now. I highly recommend counseling, and wish we had done it sooner!

[Anonymous]

If the wife would be willing, I'd try an open marriage. If not, then B or D. Is a marriage without sex (by choice, not for medical reasons) really a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife would be willing, I'd try an open marriage. If not, then B or D. Is a marriage without sex (by choice, not for medical reasons) really a marriage?

A wife who stops having sex does not get to vote on an open marriage, Just tell her and do it. D involves no sex and therefore is not an actual option.

[Anonymous]

C. Divorce. ASAP.

[Anonymous]

C for me. I have a high sex drive and it’s important to me. That’s how I feel close. Without it we’re rooma with a kid and no common interests. Pretty sad really.

So it’s been months so far...and c is looking like the resolution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, so this thread has me worried. I'm engaged, and my fiance and I have basically everything in common but our sex drives. He is very sexual whereas I like sex but don't have to have it, and my sex drive definitely suffers with work and stress. There have been times when we have argued about our sex life or the lack there of because of my disinterest. Are we setting ourselves up for potential disaster? Things are otherwise great, but I could see after a couple of decades, kids, and high pressure jobs, just not wanting to have sex...

Please do not get married with doubts about long term sexual compatibility. Do your research. Try reddit deadbedrooms. Learn what happens to incompatible couples.

This. I was warned. This was before Reddit DBs existed. I didn’t listen and here we are.

Next time around I’m making it clear about sexual chemistry being important. I read a book that said at some book at some point in the relationship bring up frequency and quality. It should be talked about as lack of sex causes divorce and affairs. If hers isn’t close to you move on and end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both now in our early thirties, and we have sex 2-3 times a week. I only really want to about once a week (less when stressed), but I do understand that he has different needs and was used to a different life before me. We are come from similar backgrounds, similar careers, want the same things in life, and are best friends. So far I thought that has been enough to make a wonderful relationship, and the difference in sex drives was minor especially because he proposed, but these responses are terrifying.

He’s going to realize sooner or later it’s duty sex and it will make him feel worse. Honestly you’ll only keep it up for so long as soon as stress hits you’ll cut it off or have unenthusiastic sex and he’ll notice. IMO that’s worse than not having sex.

So not sure what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Once my wife pushed me away a few dozen times I got the message and started laying the groundwork for my successful divorce. All my divorced male friends have the same story--wife stops putting out and they are divorced 1-10 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. Once my wife pushed me away a few dozen times I got the message and started laying the groundwork for my successful divorce. All my divorced male friends have the same story--wife stops putting out and they are divorced 1-10 years later.

Same with all my divorced friends too! At least all these men have traded up, dating much younger/hotter women compared to their ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both now in our early thirties, and we have sex 2-3 times a week. I only really want to about once a week (less when stressed), but I do understand that he has different needs and was used to a different life before me. We are come from similar backgrounds, similar careers, want the same things in life, and are best friends. So far I thought that has been enough to make a wonderful relationship, and the difference in sex drives was minor especially because he proposed, but these responses are terrifying.

He’s going to realize sooner or later it’s duty sex and it will make him feel worse. Honestly you’ll only keep it up for so long as soon as stress hits you’ll cut it off or have unenthusiastic sex and he’ll notice. IMO that’s worse than not having sex.

So not sure what to tell you.

Disagree totally. Just keep it up PP, their is nothing wrong with maintenance sex offered lovingly with a good attitude.

[Anonymous]

I’ve already done B. I hate myself for it. I didn’t want things to be this way. After about a year of no sexual contact I fell into temptation with a woman I met through mutual friends. I didn’t know her before and she hadn’t really associated with me. She was friends with some of my friends, my DW didn’t know her or of her. She still doesn’t.

She’s married as well and we just talked about common interests and started chatting more and it turned personal. Eventually the topic of sex came up and I mentioned I miss it a lot. She said the same. Although she was getting it more frequently than I was (it had been almost a year) for her she had no interest in her husband and he was never an intimate person to begin with.

We went out for drinks one time with friends and left at the same time. No one thought anything about it as our conversations between her and I were kept very close. We made out in her car. A couple of week later we had sex and it was amazing. We carried in the affair for a while and still can when the time permits. Our sexual chemistry is great.

Ironically, we have completely different views on many aspects of life. Politics, religion, music...there are two things which we seek to sync well. Importance of sex and how to raise our kids. We talk about stuff and I find her choices are pretty much the same decisions I’d make. We stay away from other conversations where we differ but I will certainly listen to her view and consider it.

To me, it shows how important sex is. If we can get together and have amazing sex and good conversations despite our opposite views on almost everything - then it should be made a priority in marriages.

At this point C is going to be the solution. Until I met this other woman I had a real negative outlook on things. She made me realize theees more out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who had lost interest; for the last 2-3 years we had sex maybe once a month. We finally found a really good counselor and within a few weeks I regained my interest again. We are having fantastic, frequent sex now. I highly recommend counseling, and wish we had done it sooner!

Was it a sex counselor? What did they do to get such great results in just a couple of weeks?