Husband Not Spending Birthday with wife and kids, but brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am very patient when it comes to my husband seeing our nephew play football. Even my MIL has mentioned that most wives would not tolerate how understanding I am of his frequent attendance at the football games and scrimmages.

What does this mean? Do you see his nephew as some sort of threat or competition?

From mid-August to November, my husband drives an hour each way every Friday night to attend our nephew's football games. I am not able to leave work early to attend and I try to attend a couple of games so the kids and I can partake and spend time with our family and cheer in the stands. My husband works 6 days a week and we do not have a lot of quality time together. My MIL was basically praising my patience concerning my husband's dedication to attending the football games particularly in light of our work schedules and the fact that we have two kids under 5. I knew my husband was a football fanatic when I married him and I accept this, but sometimes it is hard and I had a moment recently and wrote on this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:21:32 (mean heartless poster) here.

I stand by what I said. You sound like you have nothing else going on in your life and your tone is VERY dramatic and martyrish, like one of those teenage girls who would write poems about death and dress in long white nightgown dresses. Actually, to be more accurate, you write like a jilted Victorian lover with lots of melodramatic phrasing and piety! Your phrasing is so stilted, it honestly sounds trollish.

My husband desired to spend his birthday 2 hours away with his brother and nephew by attending football games for a traveling team.

I am absolutely crushed.

I am terribly upset and not sure if this is normal for a 37 year old man or is there something wrong with me as to why he would not want to at least be home with us.

I was unsure if this happens with other wives who take it in stride.

I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

Can't you hear how off you sound compared to the way everyone else is communicating? I'll repeat what I said. Your reaction + this post = not normal. I'm saying this seriously and without snark: if you have a history of mental illness, or a family history even, please see someone asap. Because you can live a happier and more fulfilled life than you have now.

Are you a dude?

Okay, this poster is being mean...but he/she is correct. I only say that as someone who was previously a whiny /needy person in relationships. What I think the poster is trying to say, is that you just sound like you need your husband to meet your every emotional need. If you were not so needy, his changing of plans might have been taken by you as a slight inconvenience or irritation, but you wouldn't have reacted with so much drama. Read the book "Women who love too much". It basically describes your behavior. A lot of what you are saying in these posts sounds controlling and manipulative. You might not realize it and if left unchecked it could really ruin your relationship. And in terms of the way you are phrasing things, it is a bit odd. In the 21:21 post you said he wnated to have dinner "with myself and his sons" and then said "hence wrote for advice on this forum that evening." Maybe you aren't a native speaker or maybe you are trying really really really hard to sound educated, but the "mean" poster is right that your wording just seems off and makes your responses seem odd. For your sake, take some time and reflect on what that poster said because there is some truth to it. The level of neediness you are exhibiting grows old fast.

[Anonymous]

Let him do whatever he wants, it HIS bday!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't we ever be civil but still make a point on here???

OP, I can understand your dissapointment as he shouldn't have cancelled on the original plan. I do agree with others that since it is his birthday, he also has input in what he wants to do, right?

Hope you had a nice celebration the next day, and it was nice of him to apologize for cancelling on the plans, so I assume all is well now?

Thanks for your post. I asked my husband what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said see his nephew play ball and have dinner with myself and his sons. I was okay (or rather somewhat supportive of his birthday wish) -- that he wanted to attend his football games, however, I became upset (hence wrote for advice on this forum that evening) when the dinner plans changed/were delayed/cancelled and he asked whether I would still be awake in a couple of hours because if not he would grab dinner with his brother. I fed my kids, put them to bed, put the cake in the fridge, and was disappointed. All is well now and I appreciate your feedback.

You did have dinner with yourself, didn't you? Go back through your posts and see that you're repeating the same error. It should be "me" in these situations. He wanted to have dinner with my sons and me. Learn your grammar, woman.

xoxox,
Grammar Police

[Anonymous]

OP, you sure he really was at the game? Why didn't you and the kids join him? Not cool of him to ditch you and the kids if dinner plans were already firm. And if he's not doing family stuff at all which is I think what you said earlier, you've got a real problem.

[Anonymous]

frankly OP I am on your side. maybe I did not read all your posts, but you do not sound needy to me and the reason you are upset seems pretty reasonable). nothing wrong with having "me" time in a marriage (actually, at least for me it is crucial to preserve the marriage), and even with celebrating the bday with the family the day after because on the bday there is something else the person really would like to do, but the case you are presenting is different. sounds like a selfish guy doing his own without much consideration for his family. the Bday guy gets to decide, but when the bday guy decides to spend time, ALONE, at some relative's match, and then ditch the planned birthday dinner with wife and kids for another relative, he is a piece of crap.

ps
I would consider carefully what your mother in law is telling you. maybe she is trying to tell you something more than she us actually saying.

[Anonymous]

My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

12:04, cut it out. I'm pretty sure the OP is not a native speaker, and I wonder if some of her reaction is the result of a culture clash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

You asked. I answered. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays as a grown adult. So no, I still wouldn't have cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

You asked. I answered. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays as a grown adult. So no, I still wouldn't have cared.

He didn't care either.. while he was banging a stripper and you were at home with the newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

You asked. I answered. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays as a grown adult. So no, I still wouldn't have cared.

He didn't care either.. while he was banging a stripper and you were at home with the newborn.

Snappy comeback.

Why do people ask questions they don't want the answer to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

You asked. I answered. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays as a grown adult. So no, I still wouldn't have cared.

He didn't care either.. while he was banging a stripper and you were at home with the newborn.

Snappy comeback.

Why do people ask questions they don't want the answer to?

I'm not the OP and I wasn't arguing with you before. I'm just stating the obvious. Why do people post and not expect people to have a response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband spent his 40th birthday in Vegas with his friends while I stayed home with our one-month baby. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

right. but if you (both) had made plans to spend the evening together, if you got gift, made dinner, got the cake, and your husband called you saying that the plans had changed and he was staying in Vegas with his friends may be you would not have been thrilled.

You asked. I answered. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays as a grown adult. So no, I still wouldn't have cared.

He didn't care either.. while he was banging a stripper and you were at home with the newborn.

Snappy comeback.

Why do people ask questions they don't want the answer to?

I'm not the OP and I wasn't arguing with you before. I'm just stating the obvious. Why do people post and not expect people to have a response?

You call that a response? Banging strippers? Yeah, right.... Taking the high road I see.

[Anonymous]

NP here - OP it isn't about his birthday. I agree with the PP who said it was bad planning to expect him to be home for dinner with you and the kids. If I were you, I would have encouraged my DH to spend the night with his brother, and we'd celebrate the next day. (I might have told him that he couldn't expect me to hold off on eating some cake, though.) So water under the bridge - poor planning on both your parts, and poor expectations.

But you clearly aren't in agreement that he should go to all his nephew's games. You probably feel that since your kids aren't old enough, he is spending time with his nephew because he's more 'fun'. And that by the time your kids are old enough to be 'fun', they won't know who Daddy is.

Have you two had a conversation about this? Because if you are telling him it's ok to go, or not outright telling him 'I need you to stay home more or include me and the kids in your plans', then you shouldn't be upset now. Chances are, your communication is not clear. And I'm sorry, but a 4yo is plenty capable of hanging out well into the night and attending those games - mine definitely is. Most of the time, when I feel like DH is trying to 'break free', I make him take a kid. Any activities that don't include any kids require a conversation. (And we trade off, 50/50, on no-kid time.)