Husband Not Spending Birthday with wife and kids, but brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:32 (mean heartless poster) here.

I stand by what I said. You sound like you have nothing else going on in your life and your tone is VERY dramatic and martyrish, like one of those teenage girls who would write poems about death and dress in long white nightgown dresses. Actually, to be more accurate, you write like a jilted Victorian lover with lots of melodramatic phrasing and piety! Your phrasing is so stilted, it honestly sounds trollish.

My husband desired to spend his birthday 2 hours away with his brother and nephew by attending football games for a traveling team.

I am absolutely crushed.

I am terribly upset and not sure if this is normal for a 37 year old man or is there something wrong with me as to why he would not want to at least be home with us.

I was unsure if this happens with other wives who take it in stride.

I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

Can't you hear how off you sound compared to the way everyone else is communicating? I'll repeat what I said. Your reaction + this post = not normal. I'm saying this seriously and without snark: if you have a history of mental illness, or a family history even, please see someone asap. Because you can live a happier and more fulfilled life than you have now.

Thanks for your feedback. I am a professional who works 45 hours a week so I am busy. I do NOT have a history of mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- is this a one-time thing, or does your DH frequently want to spend his free time with someone besides you and the kids?

Your reaction seems strong, which I could understand if (1) DH ALWAYS spends his birthday with you and the kids or (2) if never being home has become his habit and you're sick of it.

I suspect #2, since you mentioned that you're basically a single parent, taking care of the kids "by yourself" after work and on weekends.

#2 is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your DH went to your nephew's games. It's not like he was seeing a favorite college or professional team play, as many posters seem to think. But I also agree with the crowd saying that the birthday person gets to decide. I would have been really disappointed about the dinner. I know my 4 year old would be really sad if her daddy wasn't home for a planned birthday dinner. I hope you get it all worked out!

I really appreciate your comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your DH went to your nephew's games. It's not like he was seeing a favorite college or professional team play, as many posters seem to think. But I also agree with the crowd saying that the birthday person gets to decide. I would have been really disappointed about the dinner. I know my 4 year old would be really sad if her daddy wasn't home for a planned birthday dinner. I hope you get it all worked out!

I really appreciate your comment.

Oh, for crying out loud. With a four year old all you have to do is tell them that you are celebrating on the day after his birthday. After all, that's how most birthday celebrations and parties work - they happen on the weekend regardless of when the birthday happens. And, for some people, seeing their nephews play is a really big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband came home and apologized, however, I find your advice/comments to be very interesting. I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

What was the apology for? What did he say he did wrong?

He apologized for delaying our dinner plans and not leaving earlier and not realizing that we (his kids and I) wanted to spend his birthday evening with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your DH went to your nephew's games. It's not like he was seeing a favorite college or professional team play, as many posters seem to think. But I also agree with the crowd saying that the birthday person gets to decide. I would have been really disappointed about the dinner. I know my 4 year old would be really sad if her daddy wasn't home for a planned birthday dinner. I hope you get it all worked out!

I really appreciate your comment.

Oh, for crying out loud. With a four year old all you have to do is tell them that you are celebrating on the day after his birthday. After all, that's how most birthday celebrations and parties work - they happen on the weekend regardless of when the birthday happens. And, for some people, seeing their nephews play is a really big deal.

I understand your statement if there was no expectation of a birthday celebratory dinner on the actual birthday, BUT when you have made PLANS to have dinner with your family and stated this to your children then the children have an expectation of seeing/celebrating with their father and of course helping their father blow out the candle and eating cake that evening.

I am very patient when it comes to my husband seeing our nephew play football. Even my MIL has mentioned that most wives would not tolerate how understanding I am of his frequent attendance at the football games and scrimmages.

Basically, I was upset and I wrote my feelings in this forum as I felt at that moment. Yes, my word selection was dramatic, but I feel my emotions were valid. I appreciate the constructive criticism and positive feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:32 (mean heartless poster) here.

I stand by what I said. You sound like you have nothing else going on in your life and your tone is VERY dramatic and martyrish, like one of those teenage girls who would write poems about death and dress in long white nightgown dresses. Actually, to be more accurate, you write like a jilted Victorian lover with lots of melodramatic phrasing and piety! Your phrasing is so stilted, it honestly sounds trollish.

My husband desired to spend his birthday 2 hours away with his brother and nephew by attending football games for a traveling team.

I am absolutely crushed.

I am terribly upset and not sure if this is normal for a 37 year old man or is there something wrong with me as to why he would not want to at least be home with us.

I was unsure if this happens with other wives who take it in stride.

I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

Can't you hear how off you sound compared to the way everyone else is communicating? I'll repeat what I said. Your reaction + this post = not normal. I'm saying this seriously and without snark: if you have a history of mental illness, or a family history even, please see someone asap. Because you can live a happier and more fulfilled life than you have now.

Are you a dude?

[Anonymous]

Our original plan was to have dinner together at a restaurant with the kids and the highschool football intramural games (8 games total played today) ran late. He called twice - once to say he would be home too late for dinner at a restaurant and the last call asking whether I would be up.

NP here - I'm one of those who doesn't see anything wrong with your DH wanting to delay celebrating his birthday with you so he could watch a football game. Whether it's his birthday or not, he should be able to do that sort of thing. You, too. Your idea of a great birthday may be spending it with your family but not everyone feels that way and there's nothing wrong with that.

I want to point out that it was ill-advised to plan to have dinner with him later that day. In your first post, you noted that it was a 2 hour drive to the game. Even if there were only 1 game being played, that's still 4 hours of driving time plus the time needed for the football game. That doesn't leave him a whole lot of time to get back for dinner. He'd have no time to socialize with his nephew and other family - even if the game finished on time. With those kinds of events, we just don't plan anything afterwards because you never know how long it's going to take. I think the only reason he made those plans with you is he felt pressure from you. He shouldn't have. I think the lesson for both of you is that you celebrate events whenever the time is good and you don't make plans that will be difficult for you to keep.

[Anonymous]

Who is playing football in June?

[Anonymous]

I am very patient when it comes to my husband seeing our nephew play football. Even my MIL has mentioned that most wives would not tolerate how understanding I am of his frequent attendance at the football games and scrimmages.

What does this mean? Do you see his nephew as some sort of threat or competition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is playing football in June?

A lot of high schools compete in 7 on 7 passing leagues in the summer. It is a big deal for kids who are considering playing football in college. It is like travel soccer, but for football.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am very patient when it comes to my husband seeing our nephew play football. Even my MIL has mentioned that most wives would not tolerate how understanding I am of his frequent attendance at the football games and scrimmages.

What does this mean? Do you see his nephew as some sort of threat or competition?

I wondered about this myself. My DH frequently goes to our nephew's football games and my BIL frequently comes to my DD's basketball games. The kids are doing something positive and should be supported. We are a family and we are a village when it comes to the children in the family. I do not see why anyone thinks this is weird or abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am very patient when it comes to my husband seeing our nephew play football. Even my MIL has mentioned that most wives would not tolerate how understanding I am of his frequent attendance at the football games and scrimmages.

What does this mean? Do you see his nephew as some sort of threat or competition?

Some of us really, really believe in extended family. My sister lives in the same town with my brother and was able to make time to see our nieces gymnastics competitions. I have already regretted that I live 1500 miles away and could not make it for their competitions although I kept up on how they were doing. We also live far from my wife's family, but we used to get regular updates from his cross country meets and tracked his results on-line and such. If we could have made it to these events, we would have attended as many of the events as we could have made time for. It's family. It's important.

I agree with the PP that said that knowing that he had a 2 hour drive each way, that it would have been better to plan the birthday dinner for the next night instead. People move celebrations for birthdays all the time, even kids birthdays. There is nothing magical about celebrating a birthday on the specific day that is worth this much family angst. Learn to pick your battles; for me, this would not be one of them.

[Anonymous]

Why can't we ever be civil but still make a point on here???

OP, I can understand your dissapointment as he shouldn't have cancelled on the original plan. I do agree with others that since it is his birthday, he also has input in what he wants to do, right?

Hope you had a nice celebration the next day, and it was nice of him to apologize for cancelling on the plans, so I assume all is well now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't we ever be civil but still make a point on here???

OP, I can understand your dissapointment as he shouldn't have cancelled on the original plan. I do agree with others that since it is his birthday, he also has input in what he wants to do, right?

Hope you had a nice celebration the next day, and it was nice of him to apologize for cancelling on the plans, so I assume all is well now?

Thanks for your post. I asked my husband what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said see his nephew play ball and have dinner with myself and his sons. I was okay (or rather somewhat supportive of his birthday wish) -- that he wanted to attend his football games, however, I became upset (hence wrote for advice on this forum that evening) when the dinner plans changed/were delayed/cancelled and he asked whether I would still be awake in a couple of hours because if not he would grab dinner with his brother. I fed my kids, put them to bed, put the cake in the fridge, and was disappointed. All is well now and I appreciate your feedback.