Husband Not Spending Birthday with wife and kids, but brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's plans sound perfectly reasonable to me. Why can't you just celebrate at another time? I don't get your reaction at all.

Thank you for your input. I suppose you believe I am overreacting. I was unsure if this happens with other wives who take it in stride.

Yeah, I do. It's not like he was just ditching you. There was just something he really wanted to do and the plans with your family were not date specific. It's fine to celebrate the day before or after.

Oh, and I do have kids - three of them. I think they'd totally get it if one of us got a great offer so we moved the family birthday celebration. Heck, we move things for the kids all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:47 here. How old are the kids? If they are little, i don't think it matters since they really wouldnt understand the difference a day makes (unless you make a big deal out of it to them). But, growing up, i can also remember my dad taking my brother and i to a red sox game so my mom could have "kid free" time on her bday or going shopping with my mom so my dad could go to a game with some buddies. Only happened a couple of times though. And i never cared because we still did the birthday celebration at some point.

The kids are young -- 2 kids under 5. I suppose my expectation of him wanting to spend time with us on his birthday was unrealistic and I should become more accepting. I take care of our kids by myself after work and on weekends, but thought he would want to spend his birthday with us if he did not have to work. That is what I would have done if it were me -- perhaps that is the problem. I was fine with the football game or I sucked it up, but then he asked whether he could stay for dinner and I lost it with him.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking your husband's behavior is normal for a 37-year-old man but your reaction is not normal for a 37-(or whatever) year-old woman. It's just one day, and I'm guessing the events on it couldn't be easily rescheduling (being sports games).

That said, how much warning did he give you? Was this a sudden whim or have you known about it for awhile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking your husband's behavior is normal for a 37-year-old man but your reaction is not normal for a 37-(or whatever) year-old woman. It's just one day, and I'm guessing the events on it couldn't be easily rescheduling (being sports games).

That said, how much warning did he give you? Was this a sudden whim or have you known about it for awhile?

Agreed. OP sounds like a whiny drama queen martyr with no interests or hobbies or friends. DH is probably desperate to get away from her boring SAH ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[
The kids are young -- 2 kids under 5. I suppose my expectation of him wanting to spend time with us on his birthday was unrealistic and I should become more accepting. I take care of our kids by myself after work and on weekends, but thought he would want to spend his birthday with us if he did not have to work. That is what I would have done if it were me -- perhaps that is the problem. I was fine with the football game or I sucked it up, but then he asked whether he could stay for dinner and I lost it with him.

The expectation should be that "all other things being equal, he should want to spend the time with his wife and kids." However, all other things are not equal here. On the day of the birthday was a specific event that he wanted to attend. An event that would not be available the next day. Hence he went to the event that could not be rescheduled and celebrated with you and the kids the next day. Likewise, if there was something that you had planned that happened on specifically the day of his birthday but his plans with his brother were negotiable, he should spend the day with you and the next day with his brother.

What is unreasonable is expecting him to skip plans with his brother to spend the day with you when the plans with his brother could not be moved, but the plans with you could be. Flexibility is important in this situation. He will celebrate his birthday with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Op...did he ask if he could stay for dinner? Or did he call you, ask if you were still going to be up and if you were not, he was going to eat dinner with his brother? You indicated the latter in your op. And honestly, if you told him you'd be asleep or to have dinner with his brother then you cant complain or be upset. Honestly, you're startibg to sound really whiny and I'm starting to agree with the more blunt pps

[Anonymous]

really no big deal. gosh, we rarely do birthdays (adult birthdays) in our house. maybe if it falls on the w/e a brunch or something. but I would LOVE a day to spend with gal pals, birthday or not. If he's spending sunday with you, what's the issue? There's no sacred birthday rule that you have to celebrate it on the day, or with your spouse, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking your husband's behavior is normal for a 37-year-old man but your reaction is not normal for a 37-(or whatever) year-old woman. It's just one day, and I'm guessing the events on it couldn't be easily rescheduling (being sports games).

That said, how much warning did he give you? Was this a sudden whim or have you known about it for awhile?

Agreed. OP sounds like a whiny drama queen martyr with no interests or hobbies or friends. DH is probably desperate to get away from her boring SAH ass.

I have plenty of friends, interests, and hobbies. You are truly awful. I appreciate constructive criticism, but you are truly heartless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[
The kids are young -- 2 kids under 5. I suppose my expectation of him wanting to spend time with us on his birthday was unrealistic and I should become more accepting. I take care of our kids by myself after work and on weekends, but thought he would want to spend his birthday with us if he did not have to work. That is what I would have done if it were me -- perhaps that is the problem. I was fine with the football game or I sucked it up, but then he asked whether he could stay for dinner and I lost it with him.

The expectation should be that "all other things being equal, he should want to spend the time with his wife and kids." However, all other things are not equal here. On the day of the birthday was a specific event that he wanted to attend. An event that would not be available the next day. Hence he went to the event that could not be rescheduled and celebrated with you and the kids the next day. Likewise, if there was something that you had planned that happened on specifically the day of his birthday but his plans with his brother were negotiable, he should spend the day with you and the next day with his brother.

What is unreasonable is expecting him to skip plans with his brother to spend the day with you when the plans with his brother could not be moved, but the plans with you could be. Flexibility is important in this situation. He will celebrate his birthday with everyone.

Thank you for your input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op...did he ask if he could stay for dinner? Or did he call you, ask if you were still going to be up and if you were not, he was going to eat dinner with his brother? You indicated the latter in your op. And honestly, if you told him you'd be asleep or to have dinner with his brother then you cant complain or be upset. Honestly, you're startibg to sound really whiny and I'm starting to agree with the more blunt pps

Our original plan was to have dinner together at a restaurant with the kids and the highschool football intramural games (8 games total played today) ran late. He called twice - once to say he would be home too late for dinner at a restaurant and the last call asking whether I would be up.

[Anonymous]

My husband came home and apologized, however, I find your advice/comments to be very interesting. I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband came home and apologized, however, I find your advice/comments to be very interesting. I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

Why do you assume everyone here is female? Scroll to the top of the page--it says DC Urban moms AND dads.

[Anonymous]

Op...there are really only a small number of posts that were "tearing you down". The rest were sharing their thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op...there are really only a small number of posts that were "tearing you down". The rest were sharing their thoughts.

Yes. I agree. And I thanked many of the posters who were giving me constructive feedback. I truly appreciate their comments, but a few comments were simply mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband came home and apologized, however, I find your advice/comments to be very interesting. I wonder whether it is ingrained in the female DNA to tear into each other.

Why do you assume everyone here is female? Scroll to the top of the page--it says DC Urban moms AND dads.

I believe most (but not all) of the posters are females by the answers and pronouns given in their responses.