How one DH perceives DW who complains he isn't pitching in enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

Why would you think that was OP?

Yeah that was weird this pp sounds like a raving lunatic bitch

Because I don't consider the OP a saint, divide up chores equally in my household, outsourced things I don't like to do, and criticized the way OP is trashing his wife who by his own account suffers from mental health issues, I'm a lunatic bitch? And I think he's reposting as a new person? Wow, you're right, no one ever says that on this board. Glad I don't know you PP.

Likewise you sound like your cynical and jaded and a real killjoy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

Why would you think that was OP?

Yeah that was weird this pp sounds like a raving lunatic bitch

Because I don't consider the OP a saint, divide up chores equally in my household, outsourced things I don't like to do, and criticized the way OP is trashing his wife who by his own account suffers from mental health issues, I'm a lunatic bitch? And I think he's reposting as a new person? Wow, you're right, no one ever says that on this board. Glad I don't know you PP.

Likewise you sound like your cynical and jaded and a real killjoy

Yeah, sticking up for people with mental health issues is a real killjoy. You're right. I'll work on that.

[Anonymous]

^ Are you OP's wife? If so, you're a lazy bitch and he deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Are you OP's wife? If so, you're a lazy bitch and he deserves better.

My, wouldn't that be something, if she were reading this on here and attacking him.

I don't think the OP is a sock puppet, he self-identified in other followups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow. I am a totally awesome wife compared to your wife, and you are wayyyyy better than my husband. You really should talk with your wife, but thanks for putting this out there first. It's good to have some perspective for the rest of us! What would be really cool is to hear her point of view, too. I can't imagine what her explanation for her behavior is, but maybe there is something else going on for her.

My feelings exactly! And I tend to think my DH doesn't do enough either, but I don't complain or criticize about any of those things...

[Anonymous]

At first, OP, from the title of your post, I thought you were my DH. Admittedly (and unfortunately) I definitely harp on my DH too much about not pitching in. So, as you probably know, you are not only in that many of us DW's harp (too much) on their husbands.

But considering I work full time out of the home, and my husband does literally NONE of the things that you do, I feel pretty certain that we aren't married...

My take away is that I really need to stop the harping. But help me out - how do I motivate my husband to do more around the house / with the kids without the harping? In fairness, he is great with certain "guy" chores (e.g., taking out the trash once/week), but the day to day cleaning, cooking, organizing, making sure our kids are clothed/fed/doing homework, etc. falls on me. It isn't so much that he won't help, he just won't help WITHOUT ME HARPING.

Advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At first, OP, from the title of your post, I thought you were my DH. Admittedly (and unfortunately) I definitely harp on my DH too much about not pitching in. So, as you probably know, you are not only in that many of us DW's harp (too much) on their husbands.

But considering I work full time out of the home, and my husband does literally NONE of the things that you do, I feel pretty certain that we aren't married...

My take away is that I really need to stop the harping. But help me out - how do I motivate my husband to do more around the house / with the kids without the harping? In fairness, he is great with certain "guy" chores (e.g., taking out the trash once/week), but the day to day cleaning, cooking, organizing, making sure our kids are clothed/fed/doing homework, etc. falls on me. It isn't so much that he won't help, he just won't help WITHOUT ME HARPING.

Advice would be appreciated.

OP here.

Interesting question. Personally, I think it starts by refusing to think of it as him "helping" you -- I don't "help" my wife with these things. I'm not a "helper" -- I do them because they need to be done. So, the "please help me" dynamic creates a default that you're in charge of these things and he is your (sometimes reluctant) assistant.

When he does some of these more "domestic" chores, which does he do well? Does he do some better than you? Most couples are like this. Make those things his primary default responsibility, and if they don't get done, don't step in and bail him out.

Also, what other "man jobs" does he do? They count for something, even if they aren't daily chores. Maybe they have a discount value?

I'd just tell him to man up and wear an apron and make the fucking brownies for once.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't have time to read all the responses right now and perhaps someone has mentioned this already, but could your wife have a problem with alcohol or drug abuse? I know, I know, I'm jumping to conclusions based on a couple of paragraphs but this sounds like a bigger problem than just gender battles over division of household labor.

Sounds rough - sorry to hear you're going through this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple weeks ago when we had the snow, my husband got up early that morning to get the grocery store for a few things we needed, so I didn't have to. I planned to make chili that night, so on the list I put "sharp cheddar cheese." He brought home everything on the list but when I pulled out the cheese it was mild. My FIRST thought was "I wrote down sharp" but I caught myself and realized, Hey, it doesn't matter. He did me a favor, he got up and went to the store, and it would make me a queen BITCH to point out the one tiny mistake he made from the list. Instead, I thanked him. After reading OP's list, I REALLY hope that instinct sticks with me throughout our marriage. I don't blame you for venting about this OP, I just know if I was your wife and I read how awful I came across to you, I'd be so ashamed of myself. I wonder if it even occurs to her, either before or after, how bad her behavior is.

NP here, and just wanted to say that this happens all the time with my DH, and it drives me nuts. Yes, I can bite my tongue about one thing one weekend, but when it happens every trip it is hard not to be like CAN YOU NOT READ? I used to do all the grocery shopping to avoid this very thing and did not resent it at all, so I wasn't sitting back and then bitching, but I had a rough pregnancy and he took over and now we split it post-baby. Anyway, the thing that saved this for us was an app for his ipod that allows him to scan the barcodes of all the stuff we normally get. Then he just makes a list from the scanned items when I tell him what we need and he will only buy things on that list. No substitutions (so now I have to bite my tongue about "why didn't you just get the mild if they were out, you know I need cheese?" ), no additions (so no coming home with chips unless I ask for them which is good and bad at times), so it works.

[Anonymous]

I find it somewhat odd that OP is doling out division of chores advice after his post. Just sayin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it somewhat odd that OP is doling out division of chores advice after his post. Just sayin.

I find this whole thread odd. Something's off about OPs posts, and some of the responses look like sock puppet posts. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the way it seems to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple weeks ago when we had the snow, my husband got up early that morning to get the grocery store for a few things we needed, so I didn't have to. I planned to make chili that night, so on the list I put "sharp cheddar cheese." He brought home everything on the list but when I pulled out the cheese it was mild. My FIRST thought was "I wrote down sharp" but I caught myself and realized, Hey, it doesn't matter. He did me a favor, he got up and went to the store, and it would make me a queen BITCH to point out the one tiny mistake he made from the list. Instead, I thanked him. After reading OP's list, I REALLY hope that instinct sticks with me throughout our marriage. I don't blame you for venting about this OP, I just know if I was your wife and I read how awful I came across to you, I'd be so ashamed of myself. I wonder if it even occurs to her, either before or after, how bad her behavior is.

Jesus Christ lady - maybe one these days you decide you like mild instead? Maybe he likes it and can get away with it. If my DW harped about the cheese I'd send her ass back to the store with the receipt....that would never happen though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A couple weeks ago when we had the snow, my husband got up early that morning to get the grocery store for a few things we needed, so I didn't have to. I planned to make chili that night, so on the list I put "sharp cheddar cheese." He brought home everything on the list but when I pulled out the cheese it was mild. My FIRST thought was "I wrote down sharp" but I caught myself and realized, Hey, it doesn't matter. He did me a favor, he got up and went to the store, and it would make me a queen BITCH to point out the one tiny mistake he made from the list. Instead, I thanked him. After reading OP's list, I REALLY hope that instinct sticks with me throughout our marriage. I don't blame you for venting about this OP, I just know if I was your wife and I read how awful I came across to you, I'd be so ashamed of myself. I wonder if it even occurs to her, either before or after, how bad her behavior is.

Jesus Christ lady - maybe one these days you decide you like mild instead? Maybe he likes it and can get away with it. If my DW harped about the cheese I'd send her ass back to the store with the receipt....that would never happen though.

You're one of those guys who always tries to fix the outlet without throwing the power first, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At first, OP, from the title of your post, I thought you were my DH. Admittedly (and unfortunately) I definitely harp on my DH too much about not pitching in. So, as you probably know, you are not only in that many of us DW's harp (too much) on their husbands.

But considering I work full time out of the home, and my husband does literally NONE of the things that you do, I feel pretty certain that we aren't married...

My take away is that I really need to stop the harping. But help me out - how do I motivate my husband to do more around the house / with the kids without the harping? In fairness, he is great with certain "guy" chores (e.g., taking out the trash once/week), but the day to day cleaning, cooking, organizing, making sure our kids are clothed/fed/doing homework, etc. falls on me. It isn't so much that he won't help, he just won't help WITHOUT ME HARPING.

Advice would be appreciated.

OP here.

Interesting question. Personally, I think it starts by refusing to think of it as him "helping" you -- I don't "help" my wife with these things. I'm not a "helper" -- I do them because they need to be done. So, the "please help me" dynamic creates a default that you're in charge of these things and he is your (sometimes reluctant) assistant.

When he does some of these more "domestic" chores, which does he do well? Does he do some better than you? Most couples are like this. Make those things his primary default responsibility, and if they don't get done, don't step in and bail him out.

Also, what other "man jobs" does he do? They count for something, even if they aren't daily chores. Maybe they have a discount value?

I'd just tell him to man up and wear an apron and make the fucking brownies for once.

OP, if you're in the market for a new girlfriend, please let us know. I could make you so happy.....

[Anonymous]

OP's wife may have mental health issues. If she does not attempt to resolve them, then she is responsible for that and can't blame her actions on "being mentally ill."

And yes, not revealing previous mental health issues is a HUGE problem, right up there with a guy refusing to acknowledge to his wife who really wants six kids that he is infertile.