How one DH perceives DW who complains he isn't pitching in enough

[Anonymous]

Your wife can recharge when kids are school this is craziness ! When do you get to recharge? I am a sahm and my

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife can recharge when kids are school this is craziness ! When do you get to recharge? I am a sahm and my

My husband does little on domestic front as he has no time. When he does I want him for myself kids, time with friends and hopefully time to do something he enjoys ie golf, read the Sunday NYT without interruption, etc. I Value what he does and he values what I do , but I really feel for him in terms if his stress level and Few windows to get alone or recharging time. She must be depressed, and you and the kids deserve better!

[Anonymous]

I think if she's depressed, SHE deserves better too (i.e. a life without depression). But barring that, she also deserves a life with a spouse that isn't resentful and antagonistic about her mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she seem like the woman you fell in love with? Maybe something else is going on. Maybe she needs help.

I agree with this, but would also like to point out that every time the genders in this post are reversed (which is every other post), there is an outcry of "But this is his family too! He needs to pull his own weight! Why did you marry him in the first place!" It's almost NEVER suggested that a husband who is a slacker has medical-emotional issues that require help.

And I'm a woman, for the record. With a husband who is as much of a rockstar as OP.

OP here.

The double-standard is partly why I posted this, to offer some perspective. Some will argue my experience is rare. In my own interactions with other dads, all of whom are very involved, I don't think it is. They may not get the constant criticism, but...

As for the wife, well, she does have a history of clinical depression (which I found out only AFTER I married her) and there was a physical illness for a while. But mostly, these are patterns set when kids were babies and they haven't really changed. I don't think she's in a depressed state at the moment -- I've seen it when she is, and it's quite obvious.

Let's be clear: I don't mind anything except the harping. I consider it a base responsibility to contribute around the house -- it's how I was raised. And I wouldn't trade my time on weekends with my kids for anything (and, yes, I've taken them solo for entire 12 to 15 hour days since they were infants, so I do get annoyed a bit when people flippantly remark that dads don't know how tough that its). When kids were young, wife was SAHM during week, so I viewed taking them out as much needed recharge time for her. Wherever I went, they went -- softball in spring, outings with friends, and as they've gotten older kid-centered activities I planned such as ice skating, swimming, project day at Home Depot, whatever. DW is always invited, but more often than not she demurs, often because it requires getting up and out of the house early and she doesn't "do" mornings. And that was OK. We do have family outings, but I do find more often we're like ships passing in the night, handing the kids off.

Again, I'm not looking for a medal. I'm just suggesting that a lot of us take our spouses and what they do for granted -- I certainly feel that way at times (and I probably stand accused at times of taking her for granted as well, which is never good. Those years at home with babies were tough, even though I was an active participant. But the kids are in elementary school now and out of the house for longer periods of the day -- if I had to tally up one-on-one time spent with them it's probably an even split these days, only I'm the one with the full-time job. She still sees herself as in "recovery" mode from the SAHM baby years.

She's either depressed or lazy. I'd inisist she get a full time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me too 13:34. Contempt just oozing from every post. The crack about her mental health issues that he heard about only AFTER they got married. What a douche.

OP, did she hide her mental health issues, or did you marry her just not knowing her very well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too 13:34. Contempt just oozing from every post. The crack about her mental health issues that he heard about only AFTER they got married. What a douche.

OP, did she hide her mental health issues, or did you marry her just not knowing her very well?

They weren't disclosed. We dated for two years before marriage. Came up in casual conversation a few years back. It was a surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too 13:34. Contempt just oozing from every post. The crack about her mental health issues that he heard about only AFTER they got married. What a douche.

OP, did she hide her mental health issues, or did you marry her just not knowing her very well?

They weren't disclosed. We dated for two years before marriage. Came up in casual conversation a few years back. It was a surprise.

And, PP, that wasn't a "crack." I don't consider any of this to be funny. As for your choice of name-calling, well, that says more about you than it does about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too 13:34. Contempt just oozing from every post. The crack about her mental health issues that he heard about only AFTER they got married. What a douche.

OP, did she hide her mental health issues, or did you marry her just not knowing her very well?

They weren't disclosed. We dated for two years before marriage. Came up in casual conversation a few years back. It was a surprise.

And, PP, that wasn't a "crack." I don't consider any of this to be funny. As for your choice of name-calling, well, that says more about you than it does about me.

Re-read how you presented it. It was a crack. It was an insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too 13:34. Contempt just oozing from every post. The crack about her mental health issues that he heard about only AFTER they got married. What a douche.

OP, did she hide her mental health issues, or did you marry her just not knowing her very well?

They weren't disclosed. We dated for two years before marriage. Came up in casual conversation a few years back. It was a surprise.

Well, that's a problem for counselling as well. Did you ask her why she didn't disclose this before you got married? What did she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

Why would you think that was OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

Why would you think that was OP?

Yeah that was weird this pp sounds like a raving lunatic bitch

[Anonymous]

Dear OP -

You clean the bathrooms? And your wife stays home - while the kids are at school - and doesn't do anything all day?


Please let me know when you divorce her...I'd like to give you my number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP mentioned 7 tasks or chores that he did (if you count feeding and spending tine with your children a chore). Only one of those things is ongoing (the weekend time with the kids. So he did 6 things for the house. This makes him a saint?

The impression I get is this was just a snapshot and all of those 7 things are representative of an ongoing commitment to the household. Why do you have this chip on your shoulder? Does his competence threaten your "daddy is an idiot" meme? I think it does.

No it doesn't OP. I have a husband who is actually quite involved. We divided up tasks to be done, and we approach them with equality. The things neither one of us liked to do, we outsourced. The fact that you refer to yourself (and please, yes, we know this is you OP) as competent and your wife as some bumbling idiot who slacks off all day shows that you are threatened in some way, hmmmm?

Why would you think that was OP?

Yeah that was weird this pp sounds like a raving lunatic bitch

Because I don't consider the OP a saint, divide up chores equally in my household, outsourced things I don't like to do, and criticized the way OP is trashing his wife who by his own account suffers from mental health issues, I'm a lunatic bitch? And I think he's reposting as a new person? Wow, you're right, no one ever says that on this board. Glad I don't know you PP.