How one DH perceives DW who complains he isn't pitching in enough

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.
Do you want a medal for cleaning your own house up and contributing?
-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)
Why hadn't YOU fed them dinner yet? Oh, I get it, you're "helping."
-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."
Does your wife work?
-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.
So you did your daughter's laundry. Wow. That's amazing.
-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.
Do you use the bathrooms? Then you should also clean them.
-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?
OK, I agree on this one.
-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.
OK, I agree on this one too.

OP here.

Knock off the "do you want a medal" bromide. Seriously. That's just stupid.

What I don't want is to be criticized after stepping in to do a chore DW has clearly ignored. Which is something I do regularly, reflexively, and with no expectation of a medal. The kids are out of the house 7 hours a day. She doesn't work. She could have done it. A simple "thank you" or no comment at all would be preferable to the only acknowledgment of my contributions to be one of criticism. I don't criticize the way she does things (except, maybe, the eggs shells. Would it kill her to throw away the eggs shells? This is a daily thing).

For the record, yes, I use the bathrooms. And I clean them. I am the ONLY one who cleans them. Although, I'm about to teach the kids how to help.

So just be angry then. What do you want from us?

ouch! why be so mean? maybe op just wanted to vent. a dw here [not op's]. i found this helpful. i'm definitely gonna make more effort to appreciate my dh more [although he does nowhere near as much as you!]. as someone in a similar situation, i think you should seek marriage counseling. there are a lot of underlying issues that are not being discussed and are fueling the fire. best.

[Anonymous]

"The kids are out of the house 7 hours a day. She doesn't work."

This I just don't get. She must be bored out of her mind or else clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

"This I just don't get. She must be bored out of her mind or else clinically depressed."

Sounds like she's either depressed, or extremely passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Does she seem like the woman you fell in love with? Maybe something else is going on. Maybe she needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she seem like the woman you fell in love with? Maybe something else is going on. Maybe she needs help.

I agree with this, but would also like to point out that every time the genders in this post are reversed (which is every other post), there is an outcry of "But this is his family too! He needs to pull his own weight! Why did you marry him in the first place!" It's almost NEVER suggested that a husband who is a slacker has medical-emotional issues that require help.

And I'm a woman, for the record. With a husband who is as much of a rockstar as OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This I just don't get. She must be bored out of her mind or else clinically depressed."

Sounds like she's either depressed, or extremely passive aggressive.

Agree w/ this PP. I would def. suggest you guys talk to someone (therapist, someone at your church/synagogue if you go, e.g.).

[Anonymous]

I think OP sounds a bit passive aggressive and almost competitive.

OP - since you notice these problems, why don't you talk to your DW to find out why she's not happy? Why don't you ask her not to be so tough on the things you do. You realize, don't you, that because she doesn't work her thing is the housework, kids, etc. so if you keep trying to show that you're just as good or better at those things than what does she have left?

I think you should try and be kinder. Sure, catch her when she's out of line, but do it in a kind way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.

-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)

-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."

-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.

-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.

I feel for you, your wife sounds a little like me when I am PMSing. I know this is not an excuse. I hope your DW isn't like this all the time.

-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?

-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she seem like the woman you fell in love with? Maybe something else is going on. Maybe she needs help.

I agree with this, but would also like to point out that every time the genders in this post are reversed (which is every other post), there is an outcry of "But this is his family too! He needs to pull his own weight! Why did you marry him in the first place!" It's almost NEVER suggested that a husband who is a slacker has medical-emotional issues that require help.

And I'm a woman, for the record. With a husband who is as much of a rockstar as OP.

OP here.

The double-standard is partly why I posted this, to offer some perspective. Some will argue my experience is rare. In my own interactions with other dads, all of whom are very involved, I don't think it is. They may not get the constant criticism, but...

As for the wife, well, she does have a history of clinical depression (which I found out only AFTER I married her) and there was a physical illness for a while. But mostly, these are patterns set when kids were babies and they haven't really changed. I don't think she's in a depressed state at the moment -- I've seen it when she is, and it's quite obvious.

Let's be clear: I don't mind anything except the harping. I consider it a base responsibility to contribute around the house -- it's how I was raised. And I wouldn't trade my time on weekends with my kids for anything (and, yes, I've taken them solo for entire 12 to 15 hour days since they were infants, so I do get annoyed a bit when people flippantly remark that dads don't know how tough that its). When kids were young, wife was SAHM during week, so I viewed taking them out as much needed recharge time for her. Wherever I went, they went -- softball in spring, outings with friends, and as they've gotten older kid-centered activities I planned such as ice skating, swimming, project day at Home Depot, whatever. DW is always invited, but more often than not she demurs, often because it requires getting up and out of the house early and she doesn't "do" mornings. And that was OK. We do have family outings, but I do find more often we're like ships passing in the night, handing the kids off.

Again, I'm not looking for a medal. I'm just suggesting that a lot of us take our spouses and what they do for granted -- I certainly feel that way at times (and I probably stand accused at times of taking her for granted as well, which is never good. Those years at home with babies were tough, even though I was an active participant. But the kids are in elementary school now and out of the house for longer periods of the day -- if I had to tally up one-on-one time spent with them it's probably an even split these days, only I'm the one with the full-time job. She still sees herself as in "recovery" mode from the SAHM baby years.

[Anonymous]

I agree that people are usually harsher on men than women on this board. However, I cannot recall any wife posting a similar story about her SAHD with the kids gone 7 hours out of the day. It's not strictly sexist if it's not actually analogous. We usually see complaints about working dads not pulling their weight, rather than SAHDs. I think that a woman posted this same story, there would be more concern about the hypothetical dad's mental state, as there is here for the OP's wife.

FWIW, I think the OP has reason to be concerned and angry about his home life. I don't think that asking if his wife is depressed is somehow not supportive of the OP. I think it is trying to help him solve his problem. Getting her a mental health assessment may be the first step in helping him.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, dude. She sounds depressed to me.

[Anonymous]

Actually, OP, reading your latest post makes me even more convinced she needs professional help. She does sound chronically depressed, and for your kids' sake, she should get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she seem like the woman you fell in love with? Maybe something else is going on. Maybe she needs help.

I agree with this, but would also like to point out that every time the genders in this post are reversed (which is every other post), there is an outcry of "But this is his family too! He needs to pull his own weight! Why did you marry him in the first place!" It's almost NEVER suggested that a husband who is a slacker has medical-emotional issues that require help.

And I'm a woman, for the record. With a husband who is as much of a rockstar as OP.

OP here.

The double-standard is partly why I posted this, to offer some perspective. Some will argue my experience is rare. In my own interactions with other dads, all of whom are very involved, I don't think it is. They may not get the constant criticism, but...

As for the wife, well, she does have a history of clinical depression (which I found out only AFTER I married her) and there was a physical illness for a while. But mostly, these are patterns set when kids were babies and they haven't really changed. I don't think she's in a depressed state at the moment -- I've seen it when she is, and it's quite obvious.

Let's be clear: I don't mind anything except the harping. I consider it a base responsibility to contribute around the house -- it's how I was raised. And I wouldn't trade my time on weekends with my kids for anything (and, yes, I've taken them solo for entire 12 to 15 hour days since they were infants, so I do get annoyed a bit when people flippantly remark that dads don't know how tough that its). When kids were young, wife was SAHM during week, so I viewed taking them out as much needed recharge time for her. Wherever I went, they went -- softball in spring, outings with friends, and as they've gotten older kid-centered activities I planned such as ice skating, swimming, project day at Home Depot, whatever. DW is always invited, but more often than not she demurs, often because it requires getting up and out of the house early and she doesn't "do" mornings. And that was OK. We do have family outings, but I do find more often we're like ships passing in the night, handing the kids off.

Again, I'm not looking for a medal. I'm just suggesting that a lot of us take our spouses and what they do for granted -- I certainly feel that way at times (and I probably stand accused at times of taking her for granted as well, which is never good. Those years at home with babies were tough, even though I was an active participant. But the kids are in elementary school now and out of the house for longer periods of the day -- if I had to tally up one-on-one time spent with them it's probably an even split these days, only I'm the one with the full-time job. She still sees herself as in "recovery" mode from the SAHM baby years.

So the first bolded part is - I don't even know what to say about that. It seems cruel to me, like you're suggesting she did some bait and switch on you and now you're stuck with damaged goods. Does she know you resent her for that?
The second bolded part seems to be the issue, not that you think you are pulling more than your fair share, which the original post seemed to suggest. It seems like you'd like to be left in peace to do things they way you want to do them, which is a totally different issue than "I do more than she does, while she slacks off all day and sleeps in on the weekends."

[Anonymous]

Dude, tell your wife to find a job and use her wages to pay for a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can't get her to consider a physical, counseling, or preferably both, the least you could do is to set some boundaries (if you haven't already). If she gets snippy, calmly say, "please do not speak to me that way." Or whatever version of that fits your circumstances. Repeat calmly as needed.