How one DH perceives DW who complains he isn't pitching in enough

[Anonymous]

-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.

-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)

-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."

-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.

-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.

-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?

-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.

[Anonymous]

Can't you tell her all this?

[Anonymous]

You two should sit down and talk about your expectations of each other. Sounds like a lot of anger and resentment going both ways.

[Anonymous]

wow. I am a totally awesome wife compared to your wife, and you are wayyyyy better than my husband. You really should talk with your wife, but thanks for putting this out there first. It's good to have some perspective for the rest of us! What would be really cool is to hear her point of view, too. I can't imagine what her explanation for her behavior is, but maybe there is something else going on for her.

[Anonymous]

sounds like you're past the point of talking it out, just the two of you, you need a third party mediator. if your descriptions of your wife's reactions and behaviors are accurate, neither of you seems to like or respect the other very much right now. time to see a marriage counselor to try to get things back on track. good luck, op.

[Anonymous]

wow- your anger is really pallitable. i feel for you, but posting on here has to be one of the most passive aggrsesive things ever (assumnig yu are wanting her to find it?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.
Do you want a medal for cleaning your own house up and contributing?
-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)
Why hadn't YOU fed them dinner yet? Oh, I get it, you're "helping."
-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."
Does your wife work?
-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.
So you did your daughter's laundry. Wow. That's amazing.
-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.
Do you use the bathrooms? Then you should also clean them.
-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?
OK, I agree on this one.
-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.
OK, I agree on this one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.
Do you want a medal for cleaning your own house up and contributing?
-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)
Why hadn't YOU fed them dinner yet? Oh, I get it, you're "helping."
-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."
Does your wife work?
-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.
So you did your daughter's laundry. Wow. That's amazing.
-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.
Do you use the bathrooms? Then you should also clean them.
-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?
OK, I agree on this one.
-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.
OK, I agree on this one too.

OP here.

Knock off the "do you want a medal" bromide. Seriously. That's just stupid.

What I don't want is to be criticized after stepping in to do a chore DW has clearly ignored. Which is something I do regularly, reflexively, and with no expectation of a medal. The kids are out of the house 7 hours a day. She doesn't work. She could have done it. A simple "thank you" or no comment at all would be preferable to the only acknowledgment of my contributions to be one of criticism. I don't criticize the way she does things (except, maybe, the eggs shells. Would it kill her to throw away the eggs shells? This is a daily thing).

For the record, yes, I use the bathrooms. And I clean them. I am the ONLY one who cleans them. Although, I'm about to teach the kids how to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow- your anger is really pallitable. i feel for you, but posting on here has to be one of the most passive aggrsesive things ever (assumnig yu are wanting her to find it?)

What?! OP is right; his wife is wrong. I empathize with OP because I do all the things he does for his wife. I just wish I knew what to do to get my DH to act like OP. Man oh man -- she must be platinum in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.
Do you want a medal for cleaning your own house up and contributing?
-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)
Why hadn't YOU fed them dinner yet? Oh, I get it, you're "helping."
-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."
Does your wife work?
-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.
So you did your daughter's laundry. Wow. That's amazing.
-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.
Do you use the bathrooms? Then you should also clean them.
-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?
OK, I agree on this one.
-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.
OK, I agree on this one too.

Yeah, but if your spouse is doing his share, you don't complain about how he does it, you should just appreciate the fact that he does it. My husband can fold laundry any way he wants to, no matter how dumb or ridiculous it looks...

[Anonymous]

I don't know what 9:45 is going on about. Yes, everyone in the household is expected to chip in to do chores around the house, and I don't see tha the OP is "looking for a medal" or something for doing the dishes. However, each family member should also be free of criticism for not doing the job perfectly. He has a right to not get criticized for the work he does. Just like we all do.

And I say this as someone who naturally feels the need to point out missed spots myself. Instead, I say, "thank you sweetie, that's a big help. It's so much easier for me to make dinner in a clean kitchen." The compliment is immediately appreciated. It becomes a habit for the giver. And finally, it helps generate true appreciation for the giver. Fake it til you make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
-- I just came home to a sink full of dishes and messy counters, including the egg shells you used this morning but couldn't be bothered to dispose in the trash bin that's five feet away. After I spend 30 minutes cleaning and loading, you walk downstairs, take one look at complain that the two pots on the drying rack haven't yet been put away.
Do you want a medal for cleaning your own house up and contributing?
-- When, on Saturday, I realize the kids haven't yet had dinner, you criticize me for making them Mac and Cheese again (even though this is what they wanted and I was taking the path of easiest resistance so I could get them to the tub and in bed before 8 p.m.)
Why hadn't YOU fed them dinner yet? Oh, I get it, you're "helping."
-- When I have to go to the office early one day, you get angry that I'm not making their lunches for school, even though I make their lunches for school every day. What's worse is your anger is related to me by our oldest child. "Mom gets angry when you go to work early."
Does your wife work?
-- Laundry. Yes, laundry. Laundry is your domain now after the lecture I received about not separating by color (rather than by darks and whites, which is how I was taught -- I've been doing laundry for 30 years). I especially loved the screed and threat to go on a shopping binge after I inadvertently ruined dd's dress because I am unfamiliar with how little girl garments should be washed. Never mind the fact that I noticed DD was nearly out of clothes and so took it upon myself to wash them. You didn't notice that, did you? But you did notice how "wrong" I did it.
So you did your daughter's laundry. Wow. That's amazing.
-- You literally said "you missed a spot" last week after I cleaned both bathrooms for the second time this month. I nearly busted out laughing.
Do you use the bathrooms? Then you should also clean them.
-- And, last weekend, when I took the kids out by myself both days as usual, I was appalled that you criticized me for taking them to Chuck E. Cheese after. Maybe you missed the part about how they both hiked the Billy Goats Trail? Tell me, what did YOU do those days?
OK, I agree on this one.
-- And, my personal favorite, getting yelled at for allowing them to watch TV for two hours on Sunday after they awoke at 6 a.m. because of the time change. The kids are 7 and 5 now... I can count on two hands the number of times you've gotten up with them in the morning. I don't need the sleep -- I'm a morning person after all -- but I'd be more than happy for you to get up and engage them in a more fulfilling activity so I can do something like, I don't know, go for a run or something.
OK, I agree on this one too.

OP here.

Knock off the "do you want a medal" bromide. Seriously. That's just stupid.

What I don't want is to be criticized after stepping in to do a chore DW has clearly ignored. Which is something I do regularly, reflexively, and with no expectation of a medal. The kids are out of the house 7 hours a day. She doesn't work. She could have done it. A simple "thank you" or no comment at all would be preferable to the only acknowledgment of my contributions to be one of criticism. I don't criticize the way she does things (except, maybe, the eggs shells. Would it kill her to throw away the eggs shells? This is a daily thing).

For the record, yes, I use the bathrooms. And I clean them. I am the ONLY one who cleans them. Although, I'm about to teach the kids how to help.

So just be angry then. What do you want from us?

[Anonymous]

Please talk to your wife about this. Seriously.

My biggest concern is the part about you taking the kids out by yourself both days of the weekends. Why aren't you all doing things as a family? Is your wife ill or depressed?

[Anonymous]

I'm so jealous of your wife!

[Anonymous]

I think this is an experiment on how genders are treated here on DCUM. Posters criticizing OP, how does it feel to be misandrists?