When did it become OK to skip 'thank you' notes for birthday gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

Good grief, who raised you?

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, if you don't teach your child that they should thank others for a gift they received -- either in person, on the phone, via e-mail, or through a TY card -- you're teaching him/her bad manners.

For my four year old, having him dictate cards to me as I wrote them was the most efficient way of doing it, since the gifts were not opened at the party. When he receives gifts from out of town family members, we immediately call them to thank them.

I'm not an etiquette stickler by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm shocked at how many people think it's ok to (a) not thank people for gifts and (b) teach their child that thank-yous aren't necessary. Teaching a child gratitude, I think, is incredibly important. I think it gives them a much better outlook on life and teaches them to appreciate what they have instead of wanting what they don't have.

[Anonymous]

Actually PP, I agree with a lot of what the person you quoted said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just another perspective....I am throwing a bday party for my son next weekened and have a large extended family and am expecting over 60 people. Gulp. Needless to say a LOT of planning has gone into this thing....custom invitatations, entertainment, the food, decorations, eat/play stations, general party planning, AND thank you notes! If that many people care to come to my son's party and bring a gift then I want them to know that we really appreciate their kindness and care enough back to let them know they are cherished! Agree it teaches good manners too. But there's one more thing which is actually none of the above, and perhaps a little self-centered on my part. I'm a 'finisher' and so after all this work I'm not going to pull it all off (well hopefully) and then leave the dot off my "i" and go and do something silly like not send the thank you note...just being honest.

Good grief, how old is your son? The party you describe is just vulgar in my opinion. So I think thank you notes are particularly important in this instance in order to thank the guests for enduring the party and indulging you.

I always write thank you notes - although I've never contemplated whether this is because I am a "finisher" (huh??) - but I honestly do not care if I receive them from others. I give gifts because I want to, not because of the gratitude I demand in return.

Excuse me? Vulgar??? What the hell do you know about me or my son or the party we're having? Talk about judgmental and nasty. People like you repel others from this site. Thanks for 'upping the bar' and providing support to other parents...you're scary.

No, I have to agree with her. This is pretty over the top by DC standards. You can be assured that people will take notice of not receiving a gift acknowledgment when this much effort has gone into having a showy party. I'm not saying you should do one thing or another, just rather be aware of the perception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

Good grief, who raised you?

Actually, my mother was obsessed with thank you notes, which is part of the reason I dislike them so much!
But I think your response spoke well to my point about smug superiority and judgement.

[Anonymous]

It's just another indication of our declining society: cutting someone off in traffic, not picking up after your dog, having loud obscenity-laden conversations in front of my kids, lousy customer service, and posting nasty things anonymously on websites... all the same phenomenon, and not something to be proud of. The fact that people have the nerve to try to defend such a blantant lack of courtesy and consideration is further proof that we just don't care about anyone but ourselves anymore.

And by the way, I DO cherish notes I receive. I have a large bulletin board in my kitchen where I tack holiday and birthday cards, pictures of friends and their children, and yes, thank-you notes. I stand there and re-read them while I'm waiting for my coffee to perk or my bagel to toast. When the board gets too full, I take things down and put them in an accordian file for that year. I've gone back through it from time to time. The cards people gave at my wedding and sent when my babies were born are especially precious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is honestly too short for this type of nonsense. I can't believe you are sitting around obsessing about this. Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

I am sorry if you find this rude, but that is the way it is. in the olden days it was considered rude not to provide calling cards every time you went to see people, not any more. Times change.

The true purpose of manners and etiquette is to put others at ease and make them feel welcome. Unfortunately rigid adherence to these rules as a way to allow you to judge others is far more common.
And as PP said, the purpose of a gift is to bring others happiness, you should not do it in expectation of a thank you card.

Good grief, who raised you?

While I am not sure about getting offended when others send thank you notes (?) this poster is actually bang-on about the true purpose of manners and etiquette and the unfortunate reality with which they are often replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just another indication of our declining society: cutting someone off in traffic, not picking up after your dog, having loud obscenity-laden conversations in front of my kids, lousy customer service, and posting nasty things anonymously on websites... all the same phenomenon, and not something to be proud of. The fact that people have the nerve to try to defend such a blantant lack of courtesy and consideration is further proof that we just don't care about anyone but ourselves anymore.

And by the way, I DO cherish notes I receive. I have a large bulletin board in my kitchen where I tack holiday and birthday cards, pictures of friends and their children, and yes, thank-you notes. I stand there and re-read them while I'm waiting for my coffee to perk or my bagel to toast. When the board gets too full, I take things down and put them in an accordian file for that year. I've gone back through it from time to time. The cards people gave at my wedding and sent when my babies were born are especially precious.

I'm sorry you don't care about anyone but yourself anymore - but you should speak for yourself, because I sure do. And all of my friends and family do too. And I'm sure most people on this board do as well. It's kind of ironic that in your (also anonymous) attempt to champion courtesy and consideration you come across as really angry and bitter. I think it's important to understand that the *people* are more important than the social conventions. And I'm someone who always sends thank you notes but think no less of someone who doesn't.

[Anonymous]

19:41 poseter - what nonsense. what a cop-out. ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

off topic but somewhat related re: manners in general...I am also appalled at people who:

1. attend a wedding and never sendany gift - does NOT have to be expensive - just SOMETHING
2. people who do not RSVP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:41 poseter - what nonsense. what a cop-out. ridiculous.

I'm not the 19:41 poster, but it's not nonsense or ridiculous when you consider that approximately 300 MILLION babies are born every year in the US (and that's increasing). And if every one of those kids has 60 people at his/her birthday party like a PP is planning (I realize this is thankfully not the case but still), that would be what - 1.8 BILLION pieces of paper and envelopes each year for the purpose of "Dear Billy, thanks for the truck. From Bobby" (written by Bobby's Mom and read by Billy's Mom as neither Bobby nor Billy can write or read yet. Food for thought. For me too as I always send thank you notes...lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it make you all so angry that I think cards are environmentally unfriendly? I think a lot of things are environmentally unfriendly, and I try to do my part to reduce unnecessary consumption/waste/pollution. Am I perfect? Definitely not. But I am also not an evil person b/c I think an in person thank you or an e-mail thank you is an acceptable way to say thanks. You guys are really really wound up tight. It's amusing.

If you're going to say you don't send cards because they are not eco-friendly - you better walk the talk. That's all we're saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:19:41 poseter - what nonsense. what a cop-out. ridiculous.

I'm not the 19:41 poster, but it's not nonsense or ridiculous when you consider that approximately 300 MILLION babies are born every year in the US (and that's increasing). And if every one of those kids has 60 people at his/her birthday party like a PP is planning (I realize this is thankfully not the case but still), that would be what - 1.8 BILLION pieces of paper and envelopes each year for the purpose of "Dear Billy, thanks for the truck. From Bobby" (written by Bobby's Mom and read by Billy's Mom as neither Bobby nor Billy can write or read yet. Food for thought. For me too as I always send thank you notes...lol.

Ok, so I screwed up on the number and instead used the total US population - but STILL!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you notes were great in the 19th C, but nowadays (most) people are too busy with careers, children, relationships, extra-curricular stuff. I don't bother with thank-you notes, when people send them to me I just find it irritating.

Too busy for good manners? That's sweet. And fine if you are not polite enough to send a thank you note, but getting irritated with people who do it? That's the height of rudeness and ingratitude.

now i have to feel gratitude for the "thank you" note? maybe i should send them a thank you card? And why is being privately irritated by something rude? Should I censor my emotions in the privacy of my own house in case the gratitude police come after me?

You can go through life labeling everyone else as rude if they don't stick to your particular etiquette conventions - I hope you enjoy your smug feeling of superiority. Alternatively, you can get over yourself and accept that we live in a diverse, fast-paced world where it is more important that people are pleasant and tolerant than that they follow some of your pet out-dated conventions.

Well you may not be rude but you are mean-spirited. I hope I never meet you in real life. Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am grateful, but why can't I use email or call to show it?

I think an email or phone call is totally fine. I personally feel that if I am thanked in person for a gift, a thank you note/email/card is not necessary. However, if I have sent someone a gift in the mail, some sort of communication is necessary to acknowledge that the gift was received.