What's It Like Being Married to a Smart Man?

[Anonymous]

I kinda know what you mean. I truly understand what you mean when you say you smile and then later cry yourself to sleep. I m sorry...
The only advise I have for you is you can't change someone; some ppl process certain things differently. Accept this! Dont even let yourself start thinking in this direction. Just do the logic/planning/critical thinking part yourself. Instead of expecting him to be good at what u already are good at, focus on his strong qualities. That way you complement each other. I mean, obviously, you know that intelligence is not enough in a relationship (based on ur father). So, there must be something else u must have liked about him. Most importantly, think about how much he loves you. And the thing with life is, it doesn't matter how right or wrong you got something; it's how much you enjoyed your life. If you notice bad stuff and sweat it eventually you end up only focusing on the bad qualities and ruin your happiness and his. Also, try a little exercise where you normally check on him on some tasks, let go one time every week. Even if he screws up, you can't say Anything. EVER. You cant think about it, analyze it or anything. Just tell yourself, i will appreciate/ trusts this cuz it's my partners effort. This wil steer you in the right direction. I also recommend the book, don't stressvthe small stuff.
Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I can actually relate to what you are saying. My husband and I are very different on the intelligence scale. (And, I am glad this post is anonymous, because I would never admit it in public.) I am a lawyer at one of DC's top 5 law firms. He has a college degree, but didn't do well in college. He works a mostly physical, union-secured job. When in a discussion, I think quickly, respond immediately, and sometimes run circles around him in discussions. I also get impatient and frustrated when he can't respond (needs "time" to think) about what I think are simple issues. He often tells me that I am condescending to him and sometimes rudely impatient when he doesn't think fast enough. We don't talk about currrent affairs because our knowledge gap is so large. Sometimes I wonder why we married 9 years ago and whether we will be compatible long term.

And then I remember......oh yeah....he is the most supportive, loving, honest, helpful, joyful, delightful person I know. Prior to him, I was married to a smart, intelligent, arrogant, rude, irresponsible, narcassistic, physician with Ivy League credentials. He cheated on me and proved to me that character is more important than IQ. My current husband is not terribly smart, but he is an absolutely wonderful human being. He is an amazing father, because of him, our home is a happy one filled with laughter, and there isn't a day that goes by that I am not grateful for him in my life.

I don't think I would have had this perspective without the previous comparison. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person. Please, take it from me.....be grateful for that. Intelligence sometimes also brings with it ego that compromises character. I'd choose character over IQ any day.

[Anonymous]

The main thing I like about smart is the humor and sesnsitivity that can sometimes come with it. Smart dudes who aren't funny or perceptive are just plain book or money smart. Snooze. Nice for the paycheck but that's it.

I have been with guys who are not book or work geniuses but who KILL me with humor and quick wit. That is way more important to me.

I think I couldn't be married to a guy who was just nice, loving, kind, etc but wasn't funny (not goofy but actually funny). Funny to me means that the person is smart on some level because humor requires a quick brain and a perceptive, sensitive brain that notices little things in life and in people.

So, I guess I am saying that there are lots of kinds of "smart", some are more important than others!

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I haven't compromised on my "minimum requirements" for a mate. I always knew I could not last without a smart man.

Which is why I blame the OP, and not her sweet husband, for this mess. I feel bad for him.

[Anonymous]

My husband is extremely bright and very humble. As a result, he hasn't used his intellect to get ahead as he could have. Brilliant, funny, sweet guy, but not very street savvy. In short, a lovable and charming dork.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a brilliant man. Was always at the top of his class through HS, College and Law school. I am intrigued by his mind and value his insight and opinion greatly. He is the one I seek advice from because I know he thinks with both sides of his brain! On top of that he is very very humble about who he is and what he has achieved.

He is not the best looking man out there and has a good 30 lbs to lose but what he has in extra weight he more than makes up for through his basic goodness, amazing intelligence and all around being a great guy.

Thankfully our kids inherited his genes (I am smart but no where near his level) and they are all doing incredible in school, they have his gift of math...thank the Lord!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar marriage to yours, OP. Except my husband is the exceptionally intelligent person (Mensa) while I was simply smart enough.

Like you, he also was impatient if he has to 'explain' things to me. Truthfully, the problem isn't my comprehension it's the fact that he doesn't realize that we have different life experiences and educational backgrounds. I honestly don't know what it means when he brings up scientific journals. Not bc I'm dense but bc I have degrees in music, not science. He knows music as well bc he is so intelligent (not sarcasm) that he studied that as well. He just doesn't understnad sometimes how I don't know everything he does. I think this is the problem with you and your husband, OP.

Be nicer, be more patient, don't be such a jerk or he will leave you. It took my moving out for my DH to realize the problem was never me. We're happily married now but it took work.

Mensa is a joke. Have you ever looked at the criteria for admittance? Practically everyone I know would qualify.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the "smart" people digging up and responding to 2 year old threads. Because that's dumb.

[Anonymous]

On DCUM nobody is smart because everyone is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "smart" people digging up and responding to 2 year old threads. Because that's dumb.

Right.. At the same time, if one starts a new topic on an old issue there will be someone complaining that one should search the archives first.

I don't mind old threads, many of this topics have no expiration date. And, yes, I am a very smart woman married to a very smart man. it has been great, we share sense of humor, understand each others professional issues, and agree on almost every topic.

[Anonymous]

I don't like it when people ask a question thus putting themselves out there and then get attacked. If you don't like what the person is asking, politely move on to the next threat. So many ready to pounce!!

Anyway, there many types and variations of intelligence, there is intellectual, social, creative and even spiritually. I know people who fall into each. My husband is not only socially intelligent he is a social genius He lights up any room he enters, has more friends than he knows what to do with and is a true natural born leader. I on the other am considered (not saying I AM) intellectual probably because of my thirst to learn and finally one of my kids are each like my husband myself while my baby is a creative genius (gets it honestly from my mother)there is not one mold to fit all and what a bland world we would live in if there were.....I might be considered to be more intelligent than my husband but his dynamic personality far outshines my "academia" and has certainly gotten him far in life. So one is not to be had in all.....and I personally do not think one "weighs" any more than the other.

[Anonymous]

The interesting thing about MENSA is that it where smart women go to get laid. It's one of the few places she doesn't have to hide her intellect for fear of emasculating her partner. I find that very attractive.
I think it's telling to watch the venom on topic of intelligence. People find it very intimidating and the funny thing is that is not a superpower. It doesn't make you automatically right nor does it allow for an easier life. If anything, it gives additional hurdles because now you have to deal with the preconceptions that other people have. Intelligence is a descriptor but not an entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Howard Gardner hypothesized that at least eight different types of intelligence existed. It sounds like the OP has a very logical / mathematical intelligence while the husband may not. Be very careful when measuring intelligence because they are often a trade off with each other. Trading of interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligence for others may result in a spouse you do not like.

[Anonymous]

Wish I knew

[Anonymous]

I am glad I am not married to the OP though I would not identify it as intelligence. Give me a book, a problem, etc. and I will learn what is in it, solve the issue, and move forward.

Put me in interaction where I am given the center of the room and there is great order (as in a speaking arrangement) and I am good.

Put me in a room with 8 people or more, a crowded restaurant, a crowded shopping center, or most any other crowded situation (I do ok in traffic - it "flows") and I very nearly shut down. I have very nearly zero social skills even in a long term one on one situation. I had to think of the amount of social cues I miss from my spouse on a daily basis. We have literally had to get up and leave half-way through dinner in very crowded restaurants. Family gatherings I can last a half hour before I go find a corner, a book, and hide.

If my spouse ever took an inventory of my issues it would be near insanity to stay. Luckily we look at the good qualities of one another and attempt to help each other through the negatives.