What's It Like Being Married to a Smart Man?

[Anonymous]

Whatever. I just want him to pick up his socks and wipe his piss off the toilet rim. Heh.

[Anonymous]

my husband is smart. VERY. He is also anxious, self-loathing, and sets impossibly high standards for himself (not for others as much). He feels lonely in his intelligence, even in this PhD infested city...
Smarts aren't everything.

[Anonymous]

OP it is NOT black and white. You are very naive and simplifying things tremendously. It is like asking "what is is like being married to a man that is well endowed?" What do you think it is like? It is just not that simple. You need to be on the same level regarding so many other topics, including but not limited to character. Are you that shallow - or stupid (simple) OP?

[Anonymous]

I was married to a man that was average or below average in alot of things and he has a hearing disability which makes learning new things exhausting. He also has to "try harder" at work which makes him very tired and I think has made him have a HORRIBLE memory. I'm considered very smart, I have a very good memory, can juggle alot of things. I had to handle everything and I could "pick up" and understand things much faster then he could. It started to eat away at him. He started to undermine our marriage and I started to have a hard time dealing with his insecurities. He was no longer the more nurturing, nice guy but instead demanded I change. I started condescending him (still do) and it went downhill from there. We're now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Poor OP, you must have regretted asking this question to a bunch of frustrated women, full of insecurities, defensive and you might even infer aren't or don't feel smart.

It's important to know oneself. Maybe when you got married, you weren't aware that a certain level of smartness was important to you. You were so focused on not being with someone like your dad, that you looked for the qualities he was lacking in your husband.

I am in my 30s now, still not married but I'm so grateful I'm not yet. The reason is that a couple of years ago, I used to think that a man's brain wasn't that important to me. Who was I kidding? I live in my head and I thrive on intellectual stimulation and challenges. I have no problems whatsoever telling people that I am looking for a man who is as smart as me. My old criteria were finding someone not as obnoxious as dad and who would be appreciated by mom's family. That reasoning made me dated with men who spent their time trying to belittle me, being verbally abusive towards me when I was just asking a question they couldn't answer.

I'm aiming for a career as a diplomat, enjoy conversations about foreign policy so no way I am going to end up with a guy I can't have this kind of discussions with, I don't care how sweet he is because I know being intellectually stimulated by my partner is as important as his kindness. And if he's smarter than me, that's better in terms of personal growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, you must have regretted asking this question to a bunch of frustrated women, full of insecurities, defensive and you might even infer aren't or don't feel smart.

It's important to know oneself. Maybe when you got married, you weren't aware that a certain level of smartness was important to you. You were so focused on not being with someone like your dad, that you looked for the qualities he was lacking in your husband.

I am in my 30s now, still not married but I'm so grateful I'm not yet. The reason is that a couple of years ago, I used to think that a man's brain wasn't that important to me. Who was I kidding? I live in my head and I thrive on intellectual stimulation and challenges. I have no problems whatsoever telling people that I am looking for a man who is as smart as me. My old criteria were finding someone not as obnoxious as dad and who would be appreciated by mom's family. That reasoning made me dated with men who spent their time trying to belittle me, being verbally abusive towards me when I was just asking a question they couldn't answer.

I'm aiming for a career as a diplomat, enjoy conversations about foreign policy so no way I am going to end up with a guy I can't have this kind of discussions with, I don't care how sweet he is because I know being intellectually stimulated by my partner is as important as his kindness. And if he's smarter than me, that's better in terms of personal growth.

I wouldn't do this if not for your first paragraph, but...
"smarter than I"
"these kind of discussions"
etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it's all about being smart in different ways. Also, let's define 'Smart' - most of the people here are talking about ambitious/book smart, whereas I think some are talking more about practical-smart. In my case, I don't get both. I get someone who doesn't appreciate dumbing things down all the time. I have that problem where I can't think of words, or I lose things, or I'm too lazy to critically think and understand a technical concept that he wants to explain and talk about - it's not that I'm stupid, but I am more practical-smart and have to be in the mood to be intellectual. DH gets frustrated and I don't care. After all, I have to pay all the bills, think ahead, plan things like dinner and grocery lists and stuff the kids need - he's not practical-smart. But we do get along and I am able to put on the 'smart wife' hat and the 'dumb wife' hat depending on my mood - he is always in 'smart' mode but finds various ways (computer games, technical reading, etc.) to stimulate his desire to keep learning.

I have to tell you though, as I grow older I find myself appreciating the company of those who can just relax and enjoy life. So I think you should really, really think about how wonderful it is being married to someone who is able to do that. And the biggest thing I want to tell you, is that marrying a 'smart' man does NOT relieve you of the responsibility of being the household manager. So you can think the grass is always greener, but...

PS - And if your dad didn't appreciate your mom for who she was and his children for who they are, then he is the biggest idiot of all. Being condescending is a sign of not being able to relate to people who think differently than you. Meaning, he's not all that and a bag of chips after all, is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP, you must have regretted asking this question to a bunch of frustrated women, full of insecurities, defensive and you might even infer aren't or don't feel smart.

It's important to know oneself. Maybe when you got married, you weren't aware that a certain level of smartness was important to you. You were so focused on not being with someone like your dad, that you looked for the qualities he was lacking in your husband.

I am in my 30s now, still not married but I'm so grateful I'm not yet. The reason is that a couple of years ago, I used to think that a man's brain wasn't that important to me. Who was I kidding? I live in my head and I thrive on intellectual stimulation and challenges. I have no problems whatsoever telling people that I am looking for a man who is as smart as me. My old criteria were finding someone not as obnoxious as dad and who would be appreciated by mom's family. That reasoning made me dated with men who spent their time trying to belittle me, being verbally abusive towards me when I was just asking a question they couldn't answer.

I'm aiming for a career as a diplomat, enjoy conversations about foreign policy so no way I am going to end up with a guy I can't have this kind of discussions with, I don't care how sweet he is because I know being intellectually stimulated by my partner is as important as his kindness. And if he's smarter than me, that's better in terms of personal growth.

Nope, OP didn't get dumped on because the posters are insecure. She got dumped on for being a dumbass who got married without thinking it through clearly.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. You married a "not bright" guy, but you are a person who is rude and impatient to people less intelligent than you.

You are asking the wrong question. The right question is, how do I learn to be less rude and more patient with my spouse. This situation is of your making, so fix it.

[Anonymous]

It's like riding a unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. You married a "not bright" guy, but you are a person who is rude and impatient to people less intelligent than you.

She wanted a guy she could boss around. Now it's getting kind of old.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar marriage to yours, OP. Except my husband is the exceptionally intelligent person (Mensa) while I was simply smart enough.

Like you, he also was impatient if he has to 'explain' things to me. Truthfully, the problem isn't my comprehension it's the fact that he doesn't realize that we have different life experiences and educational backgrounds. I honestly don't know what it means when he brings up scientific journals. Not bc I'm dense but bc I have degrees in music, not science. He knows music as well bc he is so intelligent (not sarcasm) that he studied that as well. He just doesn't understnad sometimes how I don't know everything he does. I think this is the problem with you and your husband, OP.

Be nicer, be more patient, don't be such a jerk or he will leave you. It took my moving out for my DH to realize the problem was never me. We're happily married now but it took work.

[Anonymous]

To your question, OP. The answer is, it's ANNOYING. Can ramble on for hours about chaos theory but can't figure out how to load the dishwasher without breaking a dish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar marriage to yours, OP. Except my husband is the exceptionally intelligent person (Mensa) while I was simply smart enough.

Like you, he also was impatient if he has to 'explain' things to me. Truthfully, the problem isn't my comprehension it's the fact that he doesn't realize that we have different life experiences and educational backgrounds. I honestly don't know what it means when he brings up scientific journals. Not bc I'm dense but bc I have degrees in music, not science. He knows music as well bc he is so intelligent (not sarcasm) that he studied that as well. He just doesn't understnad sometimes how I don't know everything he does. I think this is the problem with you and your husband, OP.

Be nicer, be more patient, don't be such a jerk or he will leave you. It took my moving out for my DH to realize the problem was never me. We're happily married now but it took work.

MENSA is highly overrated. I wrote the above about the dishwasher. I'm MENSA, but you would never know it. My husband is, you would know it immediately, and he's an idiot around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar marriage to yours, OP. Except my husband is the exceptionally intelligent person (Mensa) while I was simply smart enough.

Like you, he also was impatient if he has to 'explain' things to me. Truthfully, the problem isn't my comprehension it's the fact that he doesn't realize that we have different life experiences and educational backgrounds. I honestly don't know what it means when he brings up scientific journals. Not bc I'm dense but bc I have degrees in music, not science. He knows music as well bc he is so intelligent (not sarcasm) that he studied that as well. He just doesn't understnad sometimes how I don't know everything he does. I think this is the problem with you and your husband, OP.

Be nicer, be more patient, don't be such a jerk or he will leave you. It took my moving out for my DH to realize the problem was never me. We're happily married now but it took work.

MENSA is highly overrated. I wrote the above about the dishwasher. I'm MENSA, but you would never know it. My husband is, you would know it immediately, and he's an idiot around the house.

You would know my husband is Mensa and he is highly competent at everything that he does. I agree that Mensa is overrated but I just wanted to give the 'proof' of how intelligent he is. He really is amazing now but as I mentioned it took my leaving for him to become more self aware. I'm glad that he learned, though.

I have to admit, though, that your dishwasher story made me laugh.