What's It Like Being Married to a Smart Man?

[Anonymous]

I am really not getting some of these responses. Something must have hit a nerve. Have a cup of chamomile and chill the f*** out.

OP sounds like my friend. Her husband is nice but something isn't quite right. Its very stressful bc everything is on her shoulders and he makes a lot of mistakes that put her family at risk. Goodness I don't know how he'd survive without her bc he is a mess.

I am getting all stressed thinking about the mountains of messes he's caused and I don't have to deal with it. But he loves his wife so I respect that.

Yea, you all need to chill the f*** out and have a seat.

[Anonymous]

It is great being married to a smart man. My husband is dorky, talks to himself, is interested in odd movies, books (Isaac Asimov on the Bible), music (plays beautiful classical music on the piano but took 2 weeks to learn how to play "Happy Birthday"), TV shows (watches the English language Russian news channel late at night), etc. He also has an offbeat sense of humor and makes me laugh all the time. Plus he passed on all those smart genes to our children who are doing very well in school.

[Anonymous]

Not married to my daughter's dad, but he's one of those smart guys who can be a little condescending about those who aren't as smart. He's a nice guy overall, but a couple of times, it's caused problems. My IQ is about 10 points lower than his and I have more common sense and I'm smarter in a couple of areas (finance, literature, etc.) but I know he thinks/knows I'm technically less intelligent than he is. I just kind of go with it; I know I'm not stupid. We have similar senses of humor and similar backgrounds, so we have plenty of common ground, and we both have our shallow sides. I've dated some extremely stupid guys, some very smart guys (IQ's up to about 160) and some guys in the middle. I prefer the smart guys. I don't mind being the more socially-adept partner.

I have dated dumb guys - generally because they were cute and nice and easy to get along with, but I couldn't date them for long. It was just too hard, having to watch what I said to avoid saying things they just wouldn't get. (especially if they were older than me; you expect someone older to know more! not necessarily the case if they're not bright.) I got tired of having to get my intellectual conversations from other people. I've dated average guys and I found a lot of them lacking as well - I really do want to date someone who reads interesting stuff and will discuss it with me. (Freakonomics, Thomas Friedman, Bill Bryson, etc.)

OP - you need to realize that a very brainy guy might not be any better at performing certain tasks than a less-smart guy. My daughter's dad is bright, but he is absent-minded as all hell about everyday tasks and I have to remind him all the time to do this or that. You wouldn't necessarily be any less annoyed if he was neglecting tasks because he was smart-but-absent-minded.

[Anonymous]

I love it that my husband is very smart. Very sexy to me. We're both well educated and have had interesting professions and life experiences, but he is simply a cut above intellectually. I adore his brain, and it is, as a PP commented about her DH, fun to watch him think. While he is self-aware of his accomplishments, I really don't think he has a clear sense of how different he is from most of us in terms of what goes on in his brain. Which is a good thing.

He's also generally quite competent. We need to check up on each other to be sure we've remembered to do things, but I never, ever, doubt that he has done a good job, or at least as well as I would have done, at any of the many, many tasks that go into making life move forward day to day.

I'm a lucky woman!

[Anonymous]

Most people would probably consider my DH to be a smart man. He graduated summa cum laude from college and top of his class in med school. DH is highly competent and knowledgeable. At the same time, most of our time is focused on our young children. I don't notice whether he is smart or not. I have the same frustrations as a mom who probably has a less intelligent husband.

It sounds like you do not respect your spouse. Does he just lack common sense or is he not book smart or a combination of the two?

[Anonymous]

sometimes I find myself very frustrated with him because he does things that make no sense. It's like he tries to think way too hard about the easiest things and in the process he makes an easy task 10 x more difficult. This makes me think he is not too bright and I become irritated.

OP, my husband is extremely intelligent, genius level, Phd, works in research..the whole nine yards but I could have written the exact same sentence about my DH. Very, very smart people, in my experience, often lack common sense or make simple things way harder than they need to be. I often find myself thinking how can someone so smart do something so dumb.

DH is very nice, not egocentric, and not arrogant. While there are ego driven scientists, many of the smart ones are more introverted and lack the social sense to be arrogant if they wanted. I have found that people who desperately want to be smart or are on the edge of very smart tend to be more arrogant about showing everyone how smart they are insecure about themselves.

[Anonymous]

I am married to a genius and I am very in love with him. He is very rarely condiscending to me. He is a wonderful father. I carry so much of the work of our marriage, household and parenting, and he is oblivious to this. I do believe he does his best and that is all I can expect.

[Anonymous]

I think people are smart in different ways OP. I'm a lawyer and my husband is an MBA. He can find any place on a map and get there blindfolded. I can't read a map to save my life. But, I can do a lot of other things. I complimented DH the other day when we were driving somewhere. He turned the compliment around back to me saying...you can't get us there...but you're the one who finds the best deals on everything so that we can go to more restaurants, movies, trips, etc. That was a really nice way for him to sum up our respective strengths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to a genius and I am very in love with him. He is very rarely condiscending to me. He is a wonderful father. I carry so much of the work of our marriage, household and parenting, and he is oblivious to this. I do believe he does his best and that is all I can expect.

A little off topic, but "very rarely condescending to me" is a compliment? Hopefully that was a poor word choice, but it is never acceptable to be condescending, let alone to your spouse and regardless of IQ. Genius and absentminded sure, that can go together in an endearing package. Condescending, not so much.

[Anonymous]

As with most other things, it takes mutual respect. A smart man needs to be with a smart woman, or it just won't work out. The shelf life is extremely limited. Find someone on your level, no matter what that level is, and you will appreciate each other. Not so if you are on different intellectual levels, it is just a matter of time. Looks fade, dumb is forever, to put it bluntly and to the dismay of many (wonder what side they are on?!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am married to a genius and I am very in love with him. He is very rarely condiscending to me. He is a wonderful father. I carry so much of the work of our marriage, household and parenting, and he is oblivious to this. I do believe he does his best and that is all I can expect.

A little off topic, but "very rarely condescending to me" is a compliment? Hopefully that was a poor word choice, but it is never acceptable to be condescending, let alone to your spouse and regardless of IQ. Genius and absentminded sure, that can go together in an endearing package. Condescending, not so much.

I can't help but be condescending sometimes to my husband. It's a bad fault, and I'm working on it, but being two steps ahead of him in anything we need to plan or organize together gets old after a while.

[Anonymous]

For me to be attracted to someone there has to be a balance. If they know too much about something but nothing about others, it won’t work. You have to be able to talk, read, or have knowledge of many things. Some of the brightest people end up lonely because they can’t talk to anyone.

So I would trade a really intelligent person for someone who is bright and able to discuss many things.

[Anonymous]

OP - is English your first language?

[Anonymous]

My husband is in the brilliant category -- graduated top of his class in both college and grad school (he attended a "Harvard-Yale-Princeton-Stanford-MIT" school for each). I am very impressed by and attracted to his intelligence. I'm happily married to him. But if you're looking for the downfalls, I can enumerate some for you:

1. He can get very impatient when people don't want to talk about his intellectual interest, and frustrated when you can't keep up when he does. He is socially awkward. He has a hard time slowing down and being patient. Our children don't have homework yet, but I am nervous about his ability to oversee homework.

2. He has little common sense or interest in non-intellectual things. He is too absorbed in books, etc. to notice that chores need to be done, and difficult to engage to do them. He would not notice that DD is running around with Cheerios in her hair, or that the sink is full of dishes.

3. He can be judgmental and have high expectations ... of everyone. He treats people with respect, but there is internal judgment going on (that I get to hear about). This can be stressful to deal with.

[Anonymous]

11:10 PP here. Also should mention that when he does decide to take on a household task, he somehow becomes an obsessive perfectionist. He cannot leave "well enough alone." It's infuriating. If I receive one more phone call to discuss the merits of various brands of toothpaste for 10 minutes, or walk into the kitchen after he empties the dishwasher to find over 1/2 of the dishes stacked back in the sink because of minute water stains that he thinks require "re-washing" ... Grrr.