Cliquey parents

[Anonymous]

I have been totally surprised to see how competitive BOY moms are. I was expecting the girl moms to be difficult but they’re all very chill. The boy moms are terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

How in the world is it "shallow" for the parents whose kids are in the same activities to bond? It's perfectly natural. This forum is full of loner weirdos.

true boo but lets be inclusive

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm glad my kids go to school in a low income area. Social culture is so much easier on them and myself too. I supplement their learning, all works out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been totally surprised to see how competitive BOY moms are. I was expecting the girl moms to be difficult but they’re all very chill. The boy moms are terrible.

eh, my daughter plays a very competitive sport and all the parents are competitive - shocker I know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Sorry I don’t believe this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Sorry I don’t believe this.

I believe it because it happened to me at around the same age. I was socially awkward and annoying, so I got teased until kids discovered that I could sing. The popular kids would gather around at recess and make requests. I didn't stop being awkward, but I was more accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Sorry I don’t believe this.

I believe it because it happened to me at around the same age. I was socially awkward and annoying, so I got teased until kids discovered that I could sing. The popular kids would gather around at recess and make requests. I didn't stop being awkward, but I was more accepted.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it doesn’t sound like they wanted to be your friend. They wanted you to perform for them like a trained seal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been totally surprised to see how competitive BOY moms are. I was expecting the girl moms to be difficult but they’re all very chill. The boy moms are terrible.

eh, my daughter plays a very competitive sport and all the parents are competitive - shocker I know

wut sport

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

sick burn. you sound just as cocky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

Wow. That is an amazing level of defensive vitriol there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

+1. I love how these envious loners are completely obsessed with the dynamics and personal lives of the cliquey parents they TOTALLY want nothing to do with. So creepy.

You’ll be shocked to know we are wealthy too. I don’t dislike her because she doesn’t have to work. I don’t like her because she makes inappropriate comments about other cultures, outed another child’s medical emergency at school on a grade wide parent group chat, and has shown disdain for disabled children at the school. None of these relate to my own kids. I can buy a big house like hers. I just don’t like cruel women.

sick burn. you sound just as cocky

People say things like the above when they realize they’ve lost the argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Sorry I don’t believe this.

I believe it because it happened to me at around the same age. I was socially awkward and annoying, so I got teased until kids discovered that I could sing. The popular kids would gather around at recess and make requests. I didn't stop being awkward, but I was more accepted.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it doesn’t sound like they wanted to be your friend. They wanted you to perform for them like a trained seal.

With elementary age kids, positive attention is pretty much all equal. I agree it's not friendship, that's the point -- a lot of the shallow affection kids have for one another at this age isn't real friendship, just popularity. And yes, a kid can become more popular by being talented or smart, just like athletic ability can help. Our school has an annual talent show and the kids with real musical ability get a lot of positive attention for it. Same with the school musical or being a good dancer. With girls, in particular, being able to sing and dance garners respect because these girls are all obsessed with Taylor Swift and Kpop Demonhunters. Gymnastics skill is also valued but it doesn't have to be actual competitive gymnastics -- the important thing is being able to do tricks during recess that impress people.

It's all super shallow but this is social currency for them. It's the elementary equivalent of being well traveled, having a cool job, or having good taste in music. None of it has anything to do with being a good person or having any qualities a person actually values in a friend. It's just caché. These kids are still trying to figure out what being a friend actually is, and how it's different or similar to family relationships. Most of them don't really get it yet.