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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it [/quote]

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and [b]the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, [/b]and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.[/quote]

Sorry I don’t believe this. [/quote]

I believe it because it happened to me at around the same age. I was socially awkward and annoying, so I got teased until kids discovered that I could sing. The popular kids would gather around at recess and make requests. I didn't stop being awkward, but I  was more accepted.
[/quote]

I’m sorry this happened to you but it doesn’t sound like they wanted to be your friend.  They wanted you to perform for them like a trained seal.  [/quote]

With elementary age kids, positive attention is pretty much all equal. I agree it's not friendship, that's the point -- a lot of the shallow affection kids have for one another at this age isn't real friendship, just popularity. And yes, a kid can become more popular by being talented or smart, just like athletic ability can help. Our school has an annual talent show and the kids with real musical ability get a lot of positive attention for it. Same with the school musical or being a good dancer. With girls, in particular, being able to sing and dance garners respect because these girls are all obsessed with Taylor Swift and Kpop Demonhunters. Gymnastics skill is also valued but it doesn't have to be actual competitive gymnastics -- the important thing is being able to do tricks during recess that impress people.

It's all super shallow but this is social currency for them. It's the elementary equivalent of being well traveled, having a cool job, or having good taste in music. None of it has anything to do with being a good person or having any qualities a person actually values in a friend. It's just caché. These kids are still trying to figure out what being a friend actually is, and how it's different or similar to family relationships. Most of them don't really get it yet.[/quote]

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