Cliquey parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with some PPs that the boys sport thing is weird. I had a couple of moms that were all about setting up playdates with my sporty son when we were on the same sport teams, and then once he began taking piano and chess avoided us like the plague. It is weird because they still play on the same sports teams!

Find this very hard to believe

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with some PPs that the boys sport thing is weird. I had a couple of moms that were all about setting up playdates with my sporty son when we were on the same sport teams, and then once he began taking piano and chess avoided us like the plague. It is weird because they still play on the same sports teams!

Find this very hard to believe

Not me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with some PPs that the boys sport thing is weird. I had a couple of moms that were all about setting up playdates with my sporty son when we were on the same sport teams, and then once he began taking piano and chess avoided us like the plague. It is weird because they still play on the same sports teams!

Find this very hard to believe

I believe it but doubt it's as directly related as the PP suspects. Like probably parents are not like "oh no that boy plays chess and piano now, we can't associate with them."

I think a lot of parents instinctively prefer parent friends who validate their choices. So when a parent starts making different choices, for any reason, it creates distance because now you aren't validating their choices with your choices. There also may be logistical challenges if you can't just rely on having identical schedules because your kids are in al the same activities, and people get lazy and don't want to have to accommodate your kid's chess and piano schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:School is the kid's turf. This should not be about your adult social life. Pursue relationships with parents if it's necessary to help your kid socialize with kids of *their choosing*

+1

Who has time for this? I have friends at my child’s school but only because we get along well and I like them. But if my kid wanted to have a play date with a kid who reads a lot or plays chess or basketball or golf or whatever, great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School is the kid's turf. This should not be about your adult social life. Pursue relationships with parents if it's necessary to help your kid socialize with kids of *their choosing*

+1

Who has time for this? I have friends at my child’s school but only because we get along well and I like them. But if my kid wanted to have a play date with a kid who reads a lot or plays chess or basketball or golf or whatever, great!

Completely agree but sadly some parents (moms) don’t feel that way. See the recent thread where some lovely lady proclaimed that her kids don’t have time for playdates with “families we barely know” because they already have a super solid friend group (which apparently is already closed in elementary school.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents are like this everywhere, OP. I'm a lone wolf who never wanted to hang out with those vipers, personally. Let them eat each other alive and backstab each other, keep your distance. It never seems to end well in those parent cabals. It's all fake friendship. They'll turn on each other like crabs in a barrel. Why would you want to be a part of that? Let them eat each other alive and be thankful you don't feel the need to be a part of it. You're awake, you see the problems, but they don't. I was good with my one or two neighborhood mom friends I saw at the playground. But I like to keep it real.

A self-described loner obsessed with a group she doesn't care about; while posturing as an expert on group dynamics. So DCUM. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

That’s why the pp called the behavior “shallow” because of you can’t socialize with different types of people then you are very superficial. Kids cry all the time so why would that be “super weird” at all? You seem a bit clueless about this dynamic because you are probably part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our PTA president is like this. Some moms like her but a few of my friends and I see right through it. She is very, very wealthy but kind of high strung and nervous about everything. This plays into how she gatekeeps. She puts on the front of inclusion for the sake of her PTA role, but it’s so obvious she enjoys orchestrating who gets into the circle. To be honest, she’s just very ungracious and probably having fun with the power of her husband’s money…she wouldn’t be anything remarkable without him and probably knows it.

Sorry but this screams of jealousy on your part PP.
If this lady cares enough about the school to take on the PTA role and her “husband’s money” affords her the time and inclination to devote her volunteer time to the position rather than hanging out on the tennis court or sipping cosmos at the country club, then good for her.
And so what if she keeps a tight circle?—you don’t like her anyway, and maybe she can tell! If she picks up on your disdain and envy enough to want to keep you at arms length, could you blame her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

DP but... you would be "rattled" to see a child under the age of 10 crying? Have you met kids before?

The PP also said the boy was new to the school, it wasn't open gym but the first practice of a newly formed team, and the kid discovered during the practice that the skill level of the other boys was way above his. This is not "random" crying. It's understandable that some kids would become frustrated or embarrassed in that situation and express it with tears.

It "rattles" me that you would judge a child in that situation. Just being honest.

[Anonymous]

Bungee jumping I don’t care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

Where do I even start! You are exactly the type being talked about here.
1. “Sporty mom clique”. A bunch of out of shape women who bond over the fact that their elementary age sons are good at team sports. Think about how ridiculous this is. I am 10x more “sporty” than these women but because I have one uncoordinated child I get the silent treatment.
2. An embarrassed, anxious little boy fighting back tears is now “super weird”. It may have rattled his peers but I would expect adult women, all of whom are mothers, to take this without blinking. Do you expect stoicism out of male children in 2026?
Luckily my kid made friends. They just aren’t the type whose moms insist on socializing “as families”. They are HIS OWN friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

To me, it seems perfectly natural that you'd naturally fade from sporty mom clique if your older kid wasn't actually sporty. And a boy randomly crying at open gym is super weird. Sorry, I can see how that would rattle new families. Just being honest.

You’re basically defining shallow friendships with this. Your older kid isn’t actually sporty so you immediately get faded out of a group whose sons are sportier. That’s shallow. It has its place- I have plenty of shallow, convenience based friendships of mom friends- but don’t try to pretend it’s a deep friendship as opposed to a shallow one if it is based on what travel sports team one of your kids makes vs doesn’t make.

I agree.

Something I struggle with when it comes to parent friendships is that many parents come on *very* strong in these friendships, I think because they are eager to set up family friendships that will get their kids paired off. For instance, we have had four different families who we barely knew (but our kids were in school and played together) propose joint vacations. This is wild to me. We do sometimes travel with friends, but especially when kids are involved, we have to know people pretty well to do something like share a vacation house. But we've had people invite us on joint travel who are still in my phone as "Maggie Dylan's mom" and I don't even know her last name. It just seems like some people want to rush the beginning part of a friendship when there are kids involved, I'm not totally sure why.

But then, yes, these same people will drop you completely if your kids interests change or you switch schools. I find it very strange. I can't imagine liking someone well enough to want to travel with them but then caring about them so little that if their son quit Little League I would be okay never speaking to them again. Yet I have encountered multiple couples like this during my kids' elementary careers.

This is why pretty much all of our close friends are people we knew before we had kids. This includes a number of people who also had kids around the same time, we we still have "family friends". But the friendship is based on years of knowledge and trust and good communication, not just the fact that we happen to have same age kids in the same school or activity. At this stage in my life, I'm not going to invest any time or energy in shallow friendships that could disappear in the changing of the tides. I consider those people friendly acquaintances and am happy to chat on the bleachers or spend a pleasant few hours volunteering for the school musical with them, but I don't really consider them friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School is the kid's turf. This should not be about your adult social life. Pursue relationships with parents if it's necessary to help your kid socialize with kids of *their choosing*

+1

Who has time for this? I have friends at my child’s school but only because we get along well and I like them. But if my kid wanted to have a play date with a kid who reads a lot or plays chess or basketball or golf or whatever, great!

Completely agree but sadly some parents (moms) don’t feel that way. See the recent thread where some lovely lady proclaimed that her kids don’t have time for playdates with “families we barely know” because they already have a super solid friend group (which apparently is already closed in elementary school.)

I hadn’t seen that but that is bleak. But I wouldn’t want to hang out with people with this view of relationships.