Cliquey parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

You need to get over yourself about being welcome like a celebrity.

I’m good looking and so are my kids. We were also welcomed but not like celebrities. Both my boys are very athletic. My one kid does play basketball. My kid improved, made the travel, AAU and high school teams. When I see parents from his elementary basketball team, we say hi and friendly.

They probably don’t like you for some other reason. Being full of yourself might be it.

DP but it seems like you misread the PP. She didn't sound full of herself at all. They go treated "like a celebrity" because they were a new family and physically attractive. But then her son wound up on a basketball team with a group of much more skilled kids, had a horrible practice and cried, and the same parents ignored her and avoided them. Neither of those responses were based on her or her kid's actual value as a person, they were just kind of knee-jerk responses to stimuli. Her point is that both responses are shallow and not to be taken personally.

BTW my kid and I are not objectively that attractive, and some people are welcoming and kind when she starts at a new school or team, but most people are not. They aren't mean, but people don't instantly gravitate to us the way they would to really physically attractive people. But in some ways I think this benefits us in the long run because what happens is that people get to know us over time and then those that choose to befriend us are clearly doing it because of something other than just being photogenic or popular. I think the good looking, athletic, outgoing kids often have a lot of offers for friendships but many are just based on kids wanting to catch some the reflected glory, which is not the best foundation for a friendship. Sometimes it's useful to skate under the radar.

I agree with all of this. NP here. We are attractive but have a child with autism so you can imagine how quickly our social status deteriorated. However I will say that the families that stuck with us are ride or die. Truly good human beings. That’s the upside of not having a fleeting set of qualities. People care about you on a more sincere level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

You need to get over yourself about being welcome like a celebrity.

I’m good looking and so are my kids. We were also welcomed but not like celebrities. Both my boys are very athletic. My one kid does play basketball. My kid improved, made the travel, AAU and high school teams. When I see parents from his elementary basketball team, we say hi and friendly.

They probably don’t like you for some other reason. Being full of yourself might be it.

This

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are the lesbian moms in our grade in a liberal town in maryland. The other moms trip over themselves to make friends with the lezzies. Our kids get invited to a lot of parties and play dates even though they are fairly quiet and non athletic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I are the lesbian moms in our grade in a liberal town in maryland. The other moms trip over themselves to make friends with the lezzies. Our kids get invited to a lot of parties and play dates even though they are fairly quiet and non athletic.

thats.....weird

[Anonymous]

You put your kid in a wealthy school district then are shocked my wealthy people behavior? Surely you knew wealthy people are selective in who they marry, associate with, befriend, and same for their child. They aren’t going out of there to be nice to you if it doesn’t in some way benefit them. Surely you knew this and wanted to be part of it, and sad you are not.

Go to a Title 1 school if you just want a bunch of parents that aren’t superficial and don’t care who their kids’ are friends are (or their parents).

[Anonymous]

You'll feel better once you stop trying to make "mom friends". Just don't bother, OP, it's not worth the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You put your kid in a wealthy school district then are shocked my wealthy people behavior? Surely you knew wealthy people are selective in who they marry, associate with, befriend, and same for their child. They aren’t going out of there to be nice to you if it doesn’t in some way benefit them. Surely you knew this and wanted to be part of it, and sad you are not.

Go to a Title 1 school if you just want a bunch of parents that aren’t superficial and don’t care who their kids’ are friends are (or their parents).

Not really. We've been at a Title 1 school and a school with lots of wealthy families (we moved explicitly to access stronger academic programs and more high achieving peers). They both had cliquey parents. People are pack animals. It's not really even about hierarchy (although some people will try to assert that their "pack" is the best one, so that can creep in). It's just a safety in numbers thing, not much different from how kids form groups of friends in school and will then try to exclude others. Or how both kids and adults sometimes freak out when their friends make there friends -- they are afraid to be on the outside looking in.

The most powerful thing you can do in the face of this is to just not care. I am very secure in who I am and in my worth (and my kid's worth). If we are not included in some pack, oh well, their loss. Partly due to having switched schools, my kid has a lot of friends outside of school through other settings. She's also got a lot of social skills from having to adjust to a new school -- above average comfort with approaching new people, introducing herself, and seeking to forge a new friendship. Those skills are more valuable than having a set group of friends, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll feel better once you stop trying to make "mom friends". Just don't bother, OP, it's not worth the drama.

+1000

I have never understood why people assume that "moms" have some special bond. Don't the majority of adult women eventually become moms? Why would anyone assume a group that large would all want to be friends?

No one ever asks my husband if he has a good group of dad friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

We've been in two different elementary schools and in my experience it really is different based on the grade. School 1 - the parents in my older child's grade were super snobby and the parents in my younger child's grade were super friendly. School 2 was the exact opposite - the parents in my older child's grade were really welcoming and the parents in my younger child's grade refused to engage.

The PTAs are a different story - School 1 had a great PTA, School 2's is a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im the mom of one boy who had social struggles in early elementary and wasn’t super athletic. I was friendly with some other moms but in general I was taken aback and how cliquish the moms of kids in his grade seemed to be, and felt sort of left out of many things. Then in rolled my second kid with his easy confidence and his superior athleticism and the moms of kids in HIS grade were so surprisingly friendly! We were invited to everything! Everyone was so welcoming! I was added to so many group chats!

I knew better though. If my second kid had been my first kid I would have thought our school was just so welcoming and nice and then I’d have been devastated when my second kid rolled in and we were shut out of stuff in his grade. I also know those moms will drop me as soon as my kid decides he actually doesn’t want to do travel soccer anymore he wants to do the chess club. So I stay above the drama. I recommend it

This. I went through this with just one kid. She was the "weird", small, awkward kid who was bad at sports and really limited social skills until 4th grade. She struggled to make friends and the other moms avoided me or talked to me with pity in their voices because they felt bad for us. Then in 4th, DD, who is actually an awesome kid who happened to be socially awkward, started winning every academic award the school offered and the other kids discovered she plays the piano and violin really well. Suddenly the kids liked and respected her and started inviting her to things, and the other moms got much more friendly. But my kid didn't change and neither did I. It's just the way they viewed us changed because they discovered my kid has hidden talents when they'd assumed we were all just losers.

I was never impolite and of course I encouraged my kid to accept those offers of friendship. But I also recognized it all for what it was -- shallow. People tell on themselves every single day.

Why is it shallow? Honest question- if my kids aren’t friends with a kid at school, I don’t invite them to play dates and activities. Just like other families don’t invite my kid to stuff. But then kids change, become friends with different kids, etc. So then I would invite someone to that.

It’s completely obvious how shallow it is. I showed up at a new school, I’m cute and my kid is good looking and the mom cohort acted like I was some kind of celebrity welcoming me. Then at the first basketball practice my son is the worst on the team and burst into tears at one point. (I had no idea the other kids would be so skilled or I wouldn’t have encouraged him to join!) After that they acted like I had leprosy. Three years later they completely ignore me.
My second kid is better socially and I’m on all the group chats and invited to everything.

You need to get over yourself about being welcome like a celebrity.

I’m good looking and so are my kids. We were also welcomed but not like celebrities. Both my boys are very athletic. My one kid does play basketball. My kid improved, made the travel, AAU and high school teams. When I see parents from his elementary basketball team, we say hi and friendly.

They probably don’t like you for some other reason. Being full of yourself might be it.

DP but it seems like you misread the PP. She didn't sound full of herself at all. They go treated "like a celebrity" because they were a new family and physically attractive. But then her son wound up on a basketball team with a group of much more skilled kids, had a horrible practice and cried, and the same parents ignored her and avoided them. Neither of those responses were based on her or her kid's actual value as a person, they were just kind of knee-jerk responses to stimuli. Her point is that both responses are shallow and not to be taken personally.

BTW my kid and I are not objectively that attractive, and some people are welcoming and kind when she starts at a new school or team, but most people are not. They aren't mean, but people don't instantly gravitate to us the way they would to really physically attractive people. But in some ways I think this benefits us in the long run because what happens is that people get to know us over time and then those that choose to befriend us are clearly doing it because of something other than just being photogenic or popular. I think the good looking, athletic, outgoing kids often have a lot of offers for friendships but many are just based on kids wanting to catch some the reflected glory, which is not the best foundation for a friendship. Sometimes it's useful to skate under the radar.

I agree with all of this. NP here. We are attractive but have a child with autism so you can imagine how quickly our social status deteriorated. However I will say that the families that stuck with us are ride or die. Truly good human beings. That’s the upside of not having a fleeting set of qualities. People care about you on a more sincere level.

PP and yes you get it.
When I was still being courted by these women one of the moms told me about a horrible tragedy that had befallen one of the families and that the little boy in our grade “seemed left out. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have made friends with our boys.” *shrug* as if it would be unheard of for a mother to encourage her 7 year old son to invite over or be friendly to a classmate who had something tragic happen. Just one of those things! He hasn’t made friends with “our boys”! I realized then that something was off.

[Anonymous]

kissing the indian over factime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You put your kid in a wealthy school district then are shocked my wealthy people behavior? Surely you knew wealthy people are selective in who they marry, associate with, befriend, and same for their child. They aren’t going out of there to be nice to you if it doesn’t in some way benefit them. Surely you knew this and wanted to be part of it, and sad you are not.

Go to a Title 1 school if you just want a bunch of parents that aren’t superficial and don’t care who their kids’ are friends are (or their parents).

Not really. We've been at a Title 1 school and a school with lots of wealthy families (we moved explicitly to access stronger academic programs and more high achieving peers). They both had cliquey parents. People are pack animals. It's not really even about hierarchy (although some people will try to assert that their "pack" is the best one, so that can creep in). It's just a safety in numbers thing, not much different from how kids form groups of friends in school and will then try to exclude others. Or how both kids and adults sometimes freak out when their friends make there friends -- they are afraid to be on the outside looking in.

The most powerful thing you can do in the face of this is to just not care. I am very secure in who I am and in my worth (and my kid's worth). If we are not included in some pack, oh well, their loss. Partly due to having switched schools, my kid has a lot of friends outside of school through other settings. She's also got a lot of social skills from having to adjust to a new school -- above average comfort with approaching new people, introducing herself, and seeking to forge a new friendship. Those skills are more valuable than having a set group of friends, in my opinion.

There are not clique moms at Title 1 schools. They are busy working and their child is sitting on aftercare or with grandma. They don’t have time for drama and certainly aren’t orchestrating exclusive parties and play dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You put your kid in a wealthy school district then are shocked my wealthy people behavior? Surely you knew wealthy people are selective in who they marry, associate with, befriend, and same for their child. They aren’t going out of there to be nice to you if it doesn’t in some way benefit them. Surely you knew this and wanted to be part of it, and sad you are not.

Go to a Title 1 school if you just want a bunch of parents that aren’t superficial and don’t care who their kids’ are friends are (or their parents).

Not really. We've been at a Title 1 school and a school with lots of wealthy families (we moved explicitly to access stronger academic programs and more high achieving peers). They both had cliquey parents. People are pack animals. It's not really even about hierarchy (although some people will try to assert that their "pack" is the best one, so that can creep in). It's just a safety in numbers thing, not much different from how kids form groups of friends in school and will then try to exclude others. Or how both kids and adults sometimes freak out when their friends make there friends -- they are afraid to be on the outside looking in.

The most powerful thing you can do in the face of this is to just not care. I am very secure in who I am and in my worth (and my kid's worth). If we are not included in some pack, oh well, their loss. Partly due to having switched schools, my kid has a lot of friends outside of school through other settings. She's also got a lot of social skills from having to adjust to a new school -- above average comfort with approaching new people, introducing herself, and seeking to forge a new friendship. Those skills are more valuable than having a set group of friends, in my opinion.

There are not clique moms at Title 1 schools. They are busy working and their child is sitting on aftercare or with grandma. They don’t have time for drama and certainly aren’t orchestrating exclusive parties and play dates

Not all Title 1 schools are the same. DC has a number of Title 1 schools in gentrifying neighborhoods so while many, even a majority, of families are as you describe, there is often a small but extremely vocal group of high-SES parents who have tons of time and resources. I've only experienced this once but there was definitely a lot of cliquishness among this group. There are weird dynamics at gentrifying schools and it can create some dysfunctional behaviors.

[Anonymous]

I agree with some PPs that the boys sport thing is weird. I had a couple of moms that were all about setting up playdates with my sporty son when we were on the same sport teams, and then once he began taking piano and chess avoided us like the plague. It is weird because they still play on the same sports teams!

[Anonymous]

School is the kid's turf. This should not be about your adult social life. Pursue relationships with parents if it's necessary to help your kid socialize with kids of *their choosing*