Was my reaction reasonable?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

I wish people would read what I actually wrote. I was VERY clear several times that I would not DO what her husband did. I am, however, a very strong believer in holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold other people. High standards for your own behavior and a lot of grace for others has yielded a lot of happiness in my own life, especially in my marriage.

I'm the person with the more flexible job, the primary parent, etc. and if my wife signed me up for something like this, I would cheerfully take on the obligation as part of my obligation to her. The same way I've cheerfully taken on the vast majority of other parenting obligations, which she can't fulfill because of work. I'd appreciate the heads up, but I wouldn't be annoyed not to get it.

If that sounds like right wing politics to you, I don't know what to say.

I just can't with you. You wouldn't do this but would "CHEERFULLY" accept this as an obligation as a parent and spouse. You would cheerfully accept someone not being respectful of your time or your opinion? Good luck with that. The rest of us don't buy this "bright side" crap. Women constantly have stuff like this happen to us. If you are actually a man maybe that's why you don't get this. Many women have spouses who are people pleasers to other people but not to them.

I am a man, but as I said, I'm the one who all this stuff falls on on, so I know what it's like and I know how I handle it. My approach has yielded a great deal of happiness in my personal life. Has yours? You don't seem very happy.

That is because as a man who is the "primary parent" you are considered a saint to everyone around you, while women who do the same or more are never congratulated for taking care of their own children.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you instruct your DD on taking the bus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

I see this more as a favor to my own 15 year old -- I assume they are paying her and she wants the job and is not just doing it because DH pushed her into it.

If not, my 14 year old will take it and I work and would still figure out how to get her there!

This. Also you make it sound like 20 minutes away is the equivalent to taking DD to the moon. It’s an hour and a half out of your day for a week. You don’t need to hang out for 2 hours waiting. Wtf. Drama. Also, it’s for your daughter not your husband. Get over it. You probably took longer writing and responding to this thread.

+1

I don’t really see what this even has to do with the husband. It is for the 15 year old.

If you don’t have anything else planned, I really don’t see what the big deal is. In most locations, 15 year olds need parent help with transportation (unless you want them sitting at home all day). Just part of the parenting job at this age.

[Anonymous]

Make him pay for uber teens ride to and from. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

I agree with this. You are helping her. Yes, your DH was a pr!ck for not asking you first. Deal with that separately. But ultimately this is giving your daughter some experience and money.

Is there a possibility your daughter could use the bus or trains? Also a great learning experience for her. Can your DH drive one way?

[Anonymous]

Say "No." It sounds like your daughter is being exploited. Is the family that needs childcare paying for you and your daughters travel time each way too?

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard
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They have a child care gap because they're too cheap to hire a baby sitter in their own town? Makes no sense.

The real issue is why your husband is throwing your daughter and you under the bus to curry favor with this colleague and conveniently give her time away from the kid. My guess is your husband is cheating with this person.

[Anonymous]

So I think I would ask my husband to take a second and really think how he would feel if I expected him to do this drive each of the next 5 Saturdays without asking.

If the answer is no, because he’s busy working all week and deserves downtime, he has a double standard where he feels his leisure time is more valuable than yours, for whatever reason. I am not a teacher but I understand that teachers work really hard during the school year and really look forward to their summers off. Many spouses of teachers also really benefit from this because they don’t have to deal with summer childcare. However, you are not a hired nanny who is on duty 24/7 during the summer who must take orders from the working spouse.

If they say they really wouldn’t mind, you at ok well this is my chance to let you know I do mind and I want to be very clear that expect you to consult with me before making assumptions about my time. If your kid actually wants to do it you can facilitate that but I agree she very likely could find better summer babysitting opportunities in your neighborhood. I am hiring some help for the summer and the teens typically want me hours than 2 per day for one week. It sounds like it’s mostly a favor to this co worker.

[Anonymous]

If your dd agreed to do the babysitting, she can take the bus there, or your dh or the childcare gap parents can pay for cab/uber.

There is no reason for you to be involved whatsoever, and you should inform your dh accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Ask your husband to drive DD to the coworkers house in the morning before work. You pick up in the evening when the coworker’s work day ends. He should experience some of the consequence of making this offer without your agreement.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

but he didn't ask, which is the entire problem.

DP. I don't disagree with you that not asking is a problem BUT how big of a problem it is depends on many things, one of which is the fact that OP said this is something she would have said yes to had she been asked. That does not negate that her time is still valuable and she should have been consulted, but if someone asks me if my husband can do something and I know he's done it before and would do it I may say yes, understanding that if for some reason he can't do it I'll either have to explain that or do it myself. I would not sign my husband up to drive five days a week for 40 minutes round trip with two hours in between before discussing it with him, so I think OP has a right to be upset, but since she would have done it anyway, I don't think she needs to be that upset, unless of course her husband does this all the time or his reaction to her explaining how she felt about it is defensive/argumentative instead of understanding/apologetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM, I’d expect it to be cleared with me- to make sure I don’t have a known conflict that week. Likely just a formality, as anything major would already be shown on the family calendar.

Beyond that, I generally expect to drive the kids in the summer- activities, part time job, sports etc.

I think it’s sad that you always have to announce your plans on a “family calendar”, even plans you make when your spouse will be occupied at work. That’s really, really sad that YOUR time is controlled like that.

I'm a WAHM but I don't find the PP's post troubling. We have a family calendar where we put appointments, travel, etc. for everyone. My husband also works from home and we both have generically 8-4ish jobs so if there's a doctor's appointment in the middle of the day or something we discuss who can do it, although the default is usually him because my work schedule often contains a lot of calls whereas he has more freedom to get things done later if needed. But if I were a SAHM then yeah, I'd expect that my time would be mostly available for family things, given that that would be my job. I'm a very independent person and I've always traveled without my kids and without my husband, I have my own money, I'm married by choice not because I have to be, and I have a great marriage where we are both equals on the child and family (and pet) fronts because that's the life we wanted. But I can understand a situation that would be different such as me being a SAHM or him being a SAHD where there would be an assumption that one of us would take on a particular task and I don't think that's as offensive as you're making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Totally reasonable to be a bit irritated. Your emotions are your emotions, and you have a point. What matters is how you handle it. If you're snappish or peeved, that's immature. If you say something like "ugh, there goes two hours of my day, sigh" then that's uncalled for as well. But I think there's a path of good communication for this.

"Hey honey - I can drive Larla to the babysitting gig for that week this summer. But I'm a bit irritated that you made this plan without asking me if I was available or if that worked for me. What if I had something scheduled, like a doctor's appointment or something? Or other plans for that week? I would appreciate it if you didn't offer up my time without checking with me first."

Then see what he says. If he says "Oh, sorry didn't think of it, I'll check next time" then you're all set.

Note what is not in here: "You always do this." If he does it again, then you can throw in a "We talked about this before - remember that week of shuttling Larla to babysitting in the summer? I'm frustrated that it happened again" but that's only once you've had the conversation.

If he says "well, it seems like your job in the summer is to take Larla where she needs to go, and this falls under that umbrella" then you have a calm discussion about it and find agreement or a compromise.

Handling this any other way than a calm discussion IS an overreaction.

Who are these people here trying to train us to be stepford wives. Your assessment of what is a reasonable conversation about this is utter hogwash. He is way out of line.

Disagree. PP is showing an example of what it's like to have a calm conversation with your spouse about your feelings. I don't tolerate BS from my husband and I would absolutely be upset if he did something like this without asking me first, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have a mature conversation about it. And if he had a mature response, then we'd be fine. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill because someone made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally reasonable to be a bit irritated. Your emotions are your emotions, and you have a point. What matters is how you handle it. If you're snappish or peeved, that's immature. If you say something like "ugh, there goes two hours of my day, sigh" then that's uncalled for as well. But I think there's a path of good communication for this.

"Hey honey - I can drive Larla to the babysitting gig for that week this summer. But I'm a bit irritated that you made this plan without asking me if I was available or if that worked for me. What if I had something scheduled, like a doctor's appointment or something? Or other plans for that week? I would appreciate it if you didn't offer up my time without checking with me first."

Then see what he says. If he says "Oh, sorry didn't think of it, I'll check next time" then you're all set.

Note what is not in here: "You always do this." If he does it again, then you can throw in a "We talked about this before - remember that week of shuttling Larla to babysitting in the summer? I'm frustrated that it happened again" but that's only once you've had the conversation.

If he says "well, it seems like your job in the summer is to take Larla where she needs to go, and this falls under that umbrella" then you have a calm discussion about it and find agreement or a compromise.

Handling this any other way than a calm discussion IS an overreaction.

Are you this unbelievably condescending to women in real life?

I don't think that post is condescending to women because I would expect a husband who was in the same spot as OP to also approach the situation in a calm manner. The above isn't gender specific, you're just making it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

I wish people would read what I actually wrote. I was VERY clear several times that I would not DO what her husband did. I am, however, a very strong believer in holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold other people. High standards for your own behavior and a lot of grace for others has yielded a lot of happiness in my own life, especially in my marriage.

I'm the person with the more flexible job, the primary parent, etc. and if my wife signed me up for something like this, I would cheerfully take on the obligation as part of my obligation to her. The same way I've cheerfully taken on the vast majority of other parenting obligations, which she can't fulfill because of work. I'd appreciate the heads up, but I wouldn't be annoyed not to get it.

If that sounds like right wing politics to you, I don't know what to say.

I just can't with you. You wouldn't do this but would "CHEERFULLY" accept this as an obligation as a parent and spouse. You would cheerfully accept someone not being respectful of your time or your opinion? Good luck with that. The rest of us don't buy this "bright side" crap. Women constantly have stuff like this happen to us. If you are actually a man maybe that's why you don't get this. Many women have spouses who are people pleasers to other people but not to them.

I'm a woman married to a man who prioritizes my career and my time so yeah, he does accept obligations as a parent and spouse cheerfully, as do I. We both work, we both earn about the same. My job happens to be in a more demanding phase right now, so he's doing more stuff for the kids. Neither of us are republicans or conservatives or right wing in any way. We just see ourselves as a family unit and we all do what we need to do to make the family work, whether that's dedicating time to our jobs that earn money or our children or our house. Not everyone is as bitter and jaded as you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM, I’d expect it to be cleared with me- to make sure I don’t have a known conflict that week. Likely just a formality, as anything major would already be shown on the family calendar.

Beyond that, I generally expect to drive the kids in the summer- activities, part time job, sports etc.

I think it’s sad that you always have to announce your plans on a “family calendar”, even plans you make when your spouse will be occupied at work. That’s really, really sad that YOUR time is controlled like that.

DP. It’s sad that you see information as the same thing as control.

+1! Do other people really not have family calendars? With two busy non-driving teens and two working parents, I don't know how we would survive if we did not but everything on a family calendar!

+1

I think people who balk at something like putting their appointments on a family calendar are likely overall unhappy in their marriages.