Was my reaction reasonable?

[Anonymous]

I'm a teacher and off for the summer. During the summer, DH works and I handle most of the household logistics.

A coworker of DH has a childcare gap for one week later this month and needs someone for two hours a day (M–F) until another caregiver takes over. DH asked our DD15 if she'd do it, and she agreed. The catch is that the family lives about 20 minutes away, and DD doesn't drive, so I'd have to transport her.

DH never asked me if I was willing to do this, he simply informed me after the fact. That means either waiting around for two hours each day or making two round trips. I probably would have agreed if he'd asked, but I'm irritated that he didn't even consult me, especially since this isn't the first time he's volunteered my time. I think because I'm essentially a SAHM during the summer, he doesn't see my time as my own.

Not looking for advice, just wondering whether being upset about not being consulted is a reasonable reaction.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not cool on your dh’s part, especially if it’s a pattern. I would let him figure out how to get your daughter there.

[Anonymous]

Suggest to him that you'll do one way and he do the other.

Or just point out to him that he's asking you to do two 40 minute trips, and that he should have discussed that with you. But since it's a week and not that long, I wouldn't blow up over it.

[Anonymous]

I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

[Anonymous]

As*hole move on your husband’s part.
He should coordinate how to assist as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no, dear. My time ALWAYS belongs to me. I choose what to do with it at all times. I'm no one's indentured servant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

I'd tell him he needs to clear it with you first. What if you had a doctors appointment or other things on your calendar. But, it's only a week so I'd make my point and move on.

[Anonymous]

Totally reasonable to be a bit irritated. Your emotions are your emotions, and you have a point. What matters is how you handle it. If you're snappish or peeved, that's immature. If you say something like "ugh, there goes two hours of my day, sigh" then that's uncalled for as well. But I think there's a path of good communication for this.

"Hey honey - I can drive Larla to the babysitting gig for that week this summer. But I'm a bit irritated that you made this plan without asking me if I was available or if that worked for me. What if I had something scheduled, like a doctor's appointment or something? Or other plans for that week? I would appreciate it if you didn't offer up my time without checking with me first."

Then see what he says. If he says "Oh, sorry didn't think of it, I'll check next time" then you're all set.

Note what is not in here: "You always do this." If he does it again, then you can throw in a "We talked about this before - remember that week of shuttling Larla to babysitting in the summer? I'm frustrated that it happened again" but that's only once you've had the conversation.

If he says "well, it seems like your job in the summer is to take Larla where she needs to go, and this falls under that umbrella" then you have a calm discussion about it and find agreement or a compromise.

Handling this any other way than a calm discussion IS an overreaction.

[Anonymous]

He needs to explain to his coworker that DD is willing to do it but no one is available to drive her, so they will have to pay for uber, if DD is allowed to take uber. Otherwise she can't do it.

[Anonymous]

In the future you should respond "oh, and who is going to drive her?" and if he says you, you ask "oh really? when did we discuss that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him how he is taking off work or flexing his schedule to drive your kid for this.

I mean, I wouldn’t scream and threaten divorce, but I would 100% make clear that this was unacceptable. He should (I) understand this cannot happen again and (II) be thinking about how he will help solve the transportation issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask him how he is taking off work or flexing his schedule to drive your kid for this.

I mean, I wouldn’t scream and threaten divorce, but I would 100% make clear that this was unacceptable. He should (I) understand this cannot happen again and (II) be thinking about how he will help solve the transportation issue.

And yes, this might include him figuring out how to get the person to cover uber (or he covers it, which is totally dumb but he needs to see how dumb this is).