Was my reaction reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM, I’d expect it to be cleared with me- to make sure I don’t have a known conflict that week. Likely just a formality, as anything major would already be shown on the family calendar.

Beyond that, I generally expect to drive the kids in the summer- activities, part time job, sports etc.

I think it’s sad that you always have to announce your plans on a “family calendar”, even plans you make when your spouse will be occupied at work. That’s really, really sad that YOUR time is controlled like that.

The SAHM's point is reasonable. However you slice it, asking the driver beforehand is ALWAYS the right way to go. It's a no-brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally reasonable to be a bit irritated. Your emotions are your emotions, and you have a point. What matters is how you handle it. If you're snappish or peeved, that's immature. If you say something like "ugh, there goes two hours of my day, sigh" then that's uncalled for as well. But I think there's a path of good communication for this.

"Hey honey - I can drive Larla to the babysitting gig for that week this summer. But I'm a bit irritated that you made this plan without asking me if I was available or if that worked for me. What if I had something scheduled, like a doctor's appointment or something? Or other plans for that week? I would appreciate it if you didn't offer up my time without checking with me first."

Then see what he says. If he says "Oh, sorry didn't think of it, I'll check next time" then you're all set.

Note what is not in here: "You always do this." If he does it again, then you can throw in a "We talked about this before - remember that week of shuttling Larla to babysitting in the summer? I'm frustrated that it happened again" but that's only once you've had the conversation.

If he says "well, it seems like your job in the summer is to take Larla where she needs to go, and this falls under that umbrella" then you have a calm discussion about it and find agreement or a compromise.

Handling this any other way than a calm discussion IS an overreaction.

Are you this unbelievably condescending to women in real life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're standing on ceremony.

jfc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

I wish people would read what I actually wrote. I was VERY clear several times that I would not DO what her husband did. I am, however, a very strong believer in holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold other people. High standards for your own behavior and a lot of grace for others has yielded a lot of happiness in my own life, especially in my marriage.

I'm the person with the more flexible job, the primary parent, etc. and if my wife signed me up for something like this, I would cheerfully take on the obligation as part of my obligation to her. The same way I've cheerfully taken on the vast majority of other parenting obligations, which she can't fulfill because of work. I'd appreciate the heads up, but I wouldn't be annoyed not to get it.

If that sounds like right wing politics to you, I don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

I wish people would read what I actually wrote. I was VERY clear several times that I would not DO what her husband did. I am, however, a very strong believer in holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold other people. High standards for your own behavior and a lot of grace for others has yielded a lot of happiness in my own life, especially in my marriage.

I'm the person with the more flexible job, the primary parent, etc. and if my wife signed me up for something like this, I would cheerfully take on the obligation as part of my obligation to her. The same way I've cheerfully taken on the vast majority of other parenting obligations, which she can't fulfill because of work. I'd appreciate the heads up, but I wouldn't be annoyed not to get it.

If that sounds like right wing politics to you, I don't know what to say.

I just can't with you. You wouldn't do this but would "CHEERFULLY" accept this as an obligation as a parent and spouse. You would cheerfully accept someone not being respectful of your time or your opinion? Good luck with that. The rest of us don't buy this "bright side" crap. Women constantly have stuff like this happen to us. If you are actually a man maybe that's why you don't get this. Many women have spouses who are people pleasers to other people but not to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

OP didn't have a child or make marriage vows to this random coworker.

Exactly. There is something utterly gross of him to loan out his child and wife's services without their approval. We must have some of those project 2025 people here.

I'm the one who touched the nerve by talking about your time not being your own, and I'm not remotely a Project 2025 person. I'm not sure what exact connection you see.

That's hard to believe. You have no respect for other individuals if this is something you would do. People have agency and you are advocating for taking it away. I'm not the one who responded to your post btw.

I wish people would read what I actually wrote. I was VERY clear several times that I would not DO what her husband did. I am, however, a very strong believer in holding yourself to a higher standard than you hold other people. High standards for your own behavior and a lot of grace for others has yielded a lot of happiness in my own life, especially in my marriage.

I'm the person with the more flexible job, the primary parent, etc. and if my wife signed me up for something like this, I would cheerfully take on the obligation as part of my obligation to her. The same way I've cheerfully taken on the vast majority of other parenting obligations, which she can't fulfill because of work. I'd appreciate the heads up, but I wouldn't be annoyed not to get it.

If that sounds like right wing politics to you, I don't know what to say.

I just can't with you. You wouldn't do this but would "CHEERFULLY" accept this as an obligation as a parent and spouse. You would cheerfully accept someone not being respectful of your time or your opinion? Good luck with that. The rest of us don't buy this "bright side" crap. Women constantly have stuff like this happen to us. If you are actually a man maybe that's why you don't get this. Many women have spouses who are people pleasers to other people but not to them.

I am a man, but as I said, I'm the one who all this stuff falls on on, so I know what it's like and I know how I handle it. My approach has yielded a great deal of happiness in my personal life. Has yours? You don't seem very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

I see this more as a favor to my own 15 year old -- I assume they are paying her and she wants the job and is not just doing it because DH pushed her into it.

If not, my 14 year old will take it and I work and would still figure out how to get her there!

[Anonymous]

If it didn’t suit me, I would just tell DH no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM, I’d expect it to be cleared with me- to make sure I don’t have a known conflict that week. Likely just a formality, as anything major would already be shown on the family calendar.

Beyond that, I generally expect to drive the kids in the summer- activities, part time job, sports etc.

I think it’s sad that you always have to announce your plans on a “family calendar”, even plans you make when your spouse will be occupied at work. That’s really, really sad that YOUR time is controlled like that.

DP. It’s sad that you see information as the same thing as control.

+1! Do other people really not have family calendars? With two busy non-driving teens and two working parents, I don't know how we would survive if we did not but everything on a family calendar!

[Anonymous]

Is this your only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just ask DH what the family's plan is for DD's transportation there and back.

This. The entire way this family communicates is sucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

I see this more as a favor to my own 15 year old -- I assume they are paying her and she wants the job and is not just doing it because DH pushed her into it.

If not, my 14 year old will take it and I work and would still figure out how to get her there!

This. Also you make it sound like 20 minutes away is the equivalent to taking DD to the moon. It’s an hour and a half out of your day for a week. You don’t need to hang out for 2 hours waiting. Wtf. Drama. Also, it’s for your daughter not your husband. Get over it. You probably took longer writing and responding to this thread.