Was my reaction reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and off for the summer. During the summer, DH works and I handle most of the household logistics.

A coworker of DH has a childcare gap for one week later this month and needs someone for two hours a day (M–F) until another caregiver takes over. DH asked our DD15 if she'd do it, and she agreed. The catch is that the family lives about 20 minutes away, and DD doesn't drive, so I'd have to transport her.

DH never asked me if I was willing to do this, he simply informed me after the fact. That means either waiting around for two hours each day or making two round trips. I probably would have agreed if he'd asked, but I'm irritated that he didn't even consult me, especially since this isn't the first time he's volunteered my time. I think because I'm essentially a SAHM during the summer, he doesn't see my time as my own.

Not looking for advice, just wondering whether being upset about not being consulted is a reasonable reaction.

You said you probably would have agreed if he'd asked, so maybe he felt confident in that. He definitely should have asked, and that's worth saying, but it doesn't sound like he was totally off base with the idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to explain to his coworker that DD is willing to do it but no one is available to drive her, so they will have to pay for uber, if DD is allowed to take uber. Otherwise she can't do it.

+1. The childcare gap isn’t your husband’s problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

This! He’s getting all of the credit with none of the work.

I sort of feel like he didn’t ask first because he knows it’s an imposition.

[Anonymous]

I assume this is a paying job for DD? IMO it is your 15yo DD who should’ve asked you about help with rides, before accepting the job.

Sure, it would have been nice for DH to give you a heads up, but I assume this was an offer to your DD (rather than truly volunteering her without asking)?

Especially given the short term of the job, I’d consider it much like any other activity (volleyball camp or whatever)- 15 year olds still need rides.

If your DH has the ability to do any of the driving, I’d certainly have him do so.

If the driving is taking away time that you normally spend on other duties (a home project etc), it is very reasonable to require your DD to pitch in and help you make up that time. Either by having her help you with said project, or take something else (chores etc) off of your plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

This! He’s getting all of the credit with none of the work.

I sort of feel like he didn’t ask first because he knows it’s an imposition.

Maybe I am looking at this wrong…is the DD being paid?!

If it is a free favor that he is sticking on yourself and DD, I’d be extremely annoyed.

If it is an offer of a little part time, short term job (as is common for teens this age) I would be generally okay with it. To me, it is about the same as driving a teen to other enrichment stuff in the summer (lessons, swim practice or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

This! He’s getting all of the credit with none of the work.

I sort of feel like he didn’t ask first because he knows it’s an imposition.

Maybe I am looking at this wrong…is the DD being paid?!

If it is a free favor that he is sticking on yourself and DD, I’d be extremely annoyed.

If it is an offer of a little part time, short term job (as is common for teens this age) I would be generally okay with it. To me, it is about the same as driving a teen to other enrichment stuff in the summer (lessons, swim practice or whatever).

I think that is what op said she would have done it anyway, but the issue is that DH didn’t ask. I would also be annoyed at the volunteering of my time, rather than the request of my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

but he didn't ask, which is the entire problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a teacher and off for the summer. During the summer, DH works and I handle most of the household logistics.

A coworker of DH has a childcare gap for one week later this month and needs someone for two hours a day (M–F) until another caregiver takes over. DH asked our DD15 if she'd do it, and she agreed. The catch is that the family lives about 20 minutes away, and DD doesn't drive, so I'd have to transport her.

DH never asked me if I was willing to do this, he simply informed me after the fact. That means either waiting around for two hours each day or making two round trips. I probably would have agreed if he'd asked, but I'm irritated that he didn't even consult me, especially since this isn't the first time he's volunteered my time. I think because I'm essentially a SAHM during the summer, he doesn't see my time as my own.

Not looking for advice, just wondering whether being upset about not being consulted is a reasonable reaction.

You said you probably would have agreed if he'd asked, so maybe he felt confident in that. He definitely should have asked, and that's worth saying, but it doesn't sound like he was totally off base with the idea?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

Ugh. Not a fan of this. Household duties do not include doing favors for the husbands coworkers. He looks like the savior at her expense.
SAHM here and I am home to take care of MY kids

She's fifteen. A job is a positive thing for her and part of taking care of her is doing the minor work necessary to facilitate that.

Communicating with your spouse is also a positive thing! One does not negate the other.

You're right, which is why I said in my comment that I would ask before offering anything like this. As the person with the more flexible time, though, I wouldn't react negatively if my wife failed to ask me about something like this. That work is part of fulfilling my obligation to my child and my marriage vows.

but he didn't ask, which is the entire problem.

I think context matters here. I agree that the not asking is the entire problem. I also think, however, given the context, that it shouldn't be a big one.

[Anonymous]

You're standing on ceremony.

[Anonymous]

Gotta get the ok from person driving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

The time commitment isn’t the issue. The issue is that her DH signs her up for things without asking her. That has to stop. It’s disrespectful. Hey, OP, you should start volunteering your DH to do projects for other people and give him a taste of his own medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're standing on ceremony.

Ceremony of wanting basic respect from your spouse?

not op but wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a little annoyance is understandable, and I would have checked with my spouse. I also think two 20 minute drives a day for a week is an incredibly small commitment on a day when you're not working. I wouldn't think twice about that. It's the length of a long movie and not worth having emotions about.

Most people's time is not "their own." Either you're working and it belongs to your boss or you've got household obligation and it belongs to the household.

The time commitment isn’t the issue. The issue is that her DH signs her up for things without asking her. That has to stop. It’s disrespectful. Hey, OP, you should start volunteering your DH to do projects for other people and give him a taste of his own medicine.

Exactly. My DH is in IT. I would never offer his services to anyone without asking him first.