The working parent grind is so exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Here's how we did it: my work is close by, schools are very near, aftercare available, very limited activities. I worked opposite of DP's schedule and we never used daycare or a nanny.
Saving time has been more important than money. I come from a country where 30 minute drive would be the other side of the country already.
I'd rather make less than commute for so many reasons. We are also not house people. I grew up on a farm. Don't care for such space or a yard.
I'm able to stay working very part time until retirement, because we just don't need much money.
Perhaps you can hire help. That commute better mean good money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 40 with two early elementary school kids and I feel like every week is a whirlwind. I work in the office four days a week and my 30-40 min commute is now an hour plus each way thanks to no more federal telework (I am not a fed). All I do is work, whatever we have going on after school, and collapse into bed. I don't see my husband during week and feel like I am so burnt out from my job and commute that I am not as good of a mom as I can be. Is this just how it is? IDK how I am going to make it to retirement.

Isn't this the Feminist dream?

It’s a capitalist nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the older GenX and younger baby boomers in dual working households get it done? Not teleworking — not in 1999, 2001. And no professionals in DC lived near their moms then so that also isn’t the answer

I do think commutes weren’t an hour+ each way then. But mainly we just … did it.

Disagree. You didn't just do it. Women took on menial or part time jobs or were SAHMs. This is what I see from my mom, MIL, aunts.

We millennials were promised more and told that women could excel in workplaces, be equal to men. Telework sort of made this possible for most of us, but now that it's gone, it's become infeasible to both work. Neither my dh, nor I have telework or flexible jobs. School schedules are insane (my kids get out at 2:30) and school is always closed. Dh and I just burn through leave and now we have no leave for family vacations to relax.

I'd love to go part time. We don't need both of our salaries, but we also can't rely just on dh's. Dh + 1/2 of my salary would be perfect. But there doesn't seem to be part time work anywhere to be had. Working 8-2pm would be ideal for me.

This. Lots of comments on here how women used to work and only white women didn’t. Except daycare didn’t even exist and that’s not what statistics show.

I grew up in an UMC suburb and didn’t know a single woman with a high earning job. Most didn’t work and the ones who did worked PT or when they had older kids.

Now if you to go that same suburb, plenty of the women are attorneys, doctors, business women etc.

Same. In the 80’s most of the moms I knew were in secretary/receptionist or teaching jobs (nothing wrong with that but they weren’t highly paid).
I remember all the pediatricians at the practice I went to were men. Now it’s the total opposite for my kids’ doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's how we did it: my work is close by, schools are very near, aftercare available, very limited activities. I worked opposite of DP's schedule and we never used daycare or a nanny.
Saving time has been more important than money. I come from a country where 30 minute drive would be the other side of the country already.
I'd rather make less than commute for so many reasons. We are also not house people. I grew up on a farm. Don't care for such space or a yard.
I'm able to stay working very part time until retirement, because we just don't need much money.
Perhaps you can hire help. That commute better mean good money.

By my era, if you work part time, you will have a hard time dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the older GenX and younger baby boomers in dual working households get it done? Not teleworking — not in 1999, 2001. And no professionals in DC lived near their moms then so that also isn’t the answer

I do think commutes weren’t an hour+ each way then. But mainly we just … did it.

They didnt parent M-F. Thats how. And I mean it. The kids took care of themselves and younger siblings. They got busses - most counties dont offer that anymore. There was less traffic and the remainder walked and so it was a necessity. But my mom born in 63 had a SAHM and only 1/2 day Kindergarten.

By the time she was a mom it was full day everyday kids in before care and after care she dropped us off at 7 and picked us up at 5/6. I went to private school for early years and I got dropped off by my Dad before his work (he taught at the Upper School) rode the bus to the US after school and stayed on the campus for 4 hours while my Dad coached and he didnt pay me any attention. Id go into classrooms, the gymnasium to play volleyball, lift weights in the gym with no supervision, swim in the pool, go to the dock, maybe help with practice, find coins for vending machine or beg the cafeteria staff for leftovers. Water was water fountain water or from the hose while trying to attrach manatees.
Days off I was home or at the US or at my moms office playing minesweeper and learning to answer the phones. By 10, I was home all day before and after school expected to make dinner for everyone.

The kids are pretty savvy from that generation. My mom stopped working her part time job at 45, she got bored and found a retail job and I had to drive 26 miles to pick her up from work in the evenings.

I wasnt savvy- I was lonely and had no activities or social outlets. No one to help with homework or projects. Fed from vending machines or whatever I could heat up in the oven and not like I was making good choices either. I became a voracious reader, but that was escapism. The only good part is that I was outside a lot until about 10 years old and that was very idyllic. I can be be bored or alone without issue for hours on end but that doesnt mean I learned how to be productive with it. Lots of it was just TV or reading.
My brothers had it worse and I was a psuedo parent to my siblings who are much younger than me.
My friends with similar upbringings were also heavily parentified.

There is a lack of leadership and expecting children to be more grown. In some cases it leads to responsibility. But I am not sure responsibility in the absence of parents is better than responsibility learned through incremental age-appropriate learned behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Adding that I was lucky not be a statistic for a young girl adrift with no supervision being assaulted. I know plenty of girls and boys who were not so lucky.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids, mostly work from home and my husband has a flexible job. That’s the only way we can do this with no family help. I am also an introvert and need some recharging time.

Right now with a middle schooler and two elementary schoolers my life feels crazy and on the brink of out of control. The things that help:
- neighborhood carpools
- activities that are close
- reminding myself that this is a mere 10 years of intense business and then it will be easier but I’ll probably miss it.
- going to bed earlyish or at least laying in bed.
- some socializing but mainly family time on the weekends- activities yes but summer will be a break.
- reminding myself that August, November and February/March are usually less busy.
- trying to scroll less and do other activities when I need a break. Scrolling seems to be the easy choice but I don’t feel good wasting the time. I’ve picked up knitting, need to read more, play with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the older GenX and younger baby boomers in dual working households get it done? Not teleworking — not in 1999, 2001. And no professionals in DC lived near their moms then so that also isn’t the answer

I do think commutes weren’t an hour+ each way then. But mainly we just … did it.

They didnt parent M-F. Thats how. And I mean it. The kids took care of themselves and younger siblings. They got busses - most counties dont offer that anymore. There was less traffic and the remainder walked and so it was a necessity. But my mom born in 63 had a SAHM and only 1/2 day Kindergarten.

By the time she was a mom it was full day everyday kids in before care and after care she dropped us off at 7 and picked us up at 5/6. I went to private school for early years and I got dropped off by my Dad before his work (he taught at the Upper School) rode the bus to the US after school and stayed on the campus for 4 hours while my Dad coached and he didnt pay me any attention. Id go into classrooms, the gymnasium to play volleyball, lift weights in the gym with no supervision, swim in the pool, go to the dock, maybe help with practice, find coins for vending machine or beg the cafeteria staff for leftovers. Water was water fountain water or from the hose while trying to attrach manatees.
Days off I was home or at the US or at my moms office playing minesweeper and learning to answer the phones. By 10, I was home all day before and after school expected to make dinner for everyone.

The kids are pretty savvy from that generation. My mom stopped working her part time job at 45, she got bored and found a retail job and I had to drive 26 miles to pick her up from work in the evenings.

I wasnt savvy- I was lonely and had no activities or social outlets. No one to help with homework or projects. Fed from vending machines or whatever I could heat up in the oven and not like I was making good choices either. I became a voracious reader, but that was escapism. The only good part is that I was outside a lot until about 10 years old and that was very idyllic. I can be be bored or alone without issue for hours on end but that doesnt mean I learned how to be productive with it. Lots of it was just TV or reading.
My brothers had it worse and I was a psuedo parent to my siblings who are much younger than me.
My friends with similar upbringings were also heavily parentified.

There is a lack of leadership and expecting children to be more grown. In some cases it leads to responsibility. But I am not sure responsibility in the absence of parents is better than responsibility learned through incremental age-appropriate learned behaviors.

I had a similar experience. It's not what I want for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I work part time from home and it’s the only way our house can properly function and allows my DH to work without worrying about other things besides paying our bills and pitching in here and there, maintaining the house (he’s very skilled at fixing almost anything). We only have one car, we don’t take fancy vacations, but we feel life is balanced and manageable. With kids and activities, it is really difficult and not very sustainable to juggle 2 demanding jobs with long commutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gen x here and watched a lot of soap operas by myself and ate granola bars for dinner

Yes! watched tons of soap operas back then. General Hospital with Luke and Laura!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the older GenX and younger baby boomers in dual working households get it done? Not teleworking — not in 1999, 2001. And no professionals in DC lived near their moms then so that also isn’t the answer

I do think commutes weren’t an hour+ each way then. But mainly we just … did it.

They didnt parent M-F. Thats how. And I mean it. The kids took care of themselves and younger siblings. They got busses - most counties dont offer that anymore. There was less traffic and the remainder walked and so it was a necessity. But my mom born in 63 had a SAHM and only 1/2 day Kindergarten.

By the time she was a mom it was full day everyday kids in before care and after care she dropped us off at 7 and picked us up at 5/6. I went to private school for early years and I got dropped off by my Dad before his work (he taught at the Upper School) rode the bus to the US after school and stayed on the campus for 4 hours while my Dad coached and he didnt pay me any attention. Id go into classrooms, the gymnasium to play volleyball, lift weights in the gym with no supervision, swim in the pool, go to the dock, maybe help with practice, find coins for vending machine or beg the cafeteria staff for leftovers. Water was water fountain water or from the hose while trying to attrach manatees.
Days off I was home or at the US or at my moms office playing minesweeper and learning to answer the phones. By 10, I was home all day before and after school expected to make dinner for everyone.

The kids are pretty savvy from that generation. My mom stopped working her part time job at 45, she got bored and found a retail job and I had to drive 26 miles to pick her up from work in the evenings.

I wasnt savvy- I was lonely and had no activities or social outlets. No one to help with homework or projects. Fed from vending machines or whatever I could heat up in the oven and not like I was making good choices either. I became a voracious reader, but that was escapism. The only good part is that I was outside a lot until about 10 years old and that was very idyllic. I can be be bored or alone without issue for hours on end but that doesnt mean I learned how to be productive with it. Lots of it was just TV or reading.
My brothers had it worse and I was a psuedo parent to my siblings who are much younger than me.
My friends with similar upbringings were also heavily parentified.

There is a lack of leadership and expecting children to be more grown. In some cases it leads to responsibility. But I am not sure responsibility in the absence of parents is better than responsibility learned through incremental age-appropriate learned behaviors.

I had a similar experience. It's not what I want for my kids.

Yet those parents like yours are acting like they sacrificed half the universe for us. So unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m expecting my first and I have no idea how I’m going to do this, especially in the baby stage. I have a stressful and demanding job, fortunately it is almost entirely remote because my husband works 12 hour days onsite.

We honestly would be fine if I made half my salary, but things would be tight living on just my husband’s.

The baby stage is somewhat easier (I didn't say easy) because daycare is open longer hours and more weeks of the year than preschool or school. Preschool age is the hardest, IMO, from a care standpoint, and we ended up keeping mine in a daycare that had a preschool program because we needed full days.

[Anonymous]

Youngest (of 3) is senior and late ES and MS were the hardest. It doesn’t last forever.

All of the moms I know are in good career paths with busy careers. Luckily we have many families that have been together for years and we often carpool, babysit, commiserate, etc. Having a community is key.

[Anonymous]

Single parent of one child. I work a lot of hours as a 1099 for not a lot of pay in order to work remote. That is the only way I can logistically make it all happen on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest (of 3) is senior and late ES and MS were the hardest. It doesn’t last forever.

All of the moms I know are in good career paths with busy careers. Luckily we have many families that have been together for years and we often carpool, babysit, commiserate, etc. Having a community is key.

WFH is the most useful for late ES/MS because they're old enough to stay home on days off and you can still work just fine, but they're not old enough to stay home on their own. I work a lot of hours, but being able to WFH makes it so much easier.