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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid. [/quote]

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.[/quote]

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood.  Children see the family as a family.  There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well.  They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with.  They won't feel unconditional level from that parent.  Is it "fair"?  Is it "right"?  Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize.  If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced.  But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).[/quote]

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people. [/quote]

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.[/quote]

DP. I think it's absolutely fine for a kid to understand that his mom did not and will not kick him out, because she's his mother and she loves him - but that a romantic partner might kick him out, if he acts like his dad. There's nothing wrong with this message.

Your framing the divorce as mom being selfish assumes that the dad is a safe, loving, and involved presence for the kid, and that's just not likely to be true. The kid may have no trouble at all understanding the divorce, either right away or as he matures. But even if he is never okay with it, the mom has an obligation as a parent to choose the best living situation for the kid she is raising. [/quote]

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