Moving - how harmful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s understandably anxious, but she’s going to love it, and she’s a lucky girl to be moving to Spain. Her future will be brighter there.

You have no idea how this will work out. She might not love and she might not thrive. Her future might not be brighter because of it.

[Anonymous]

I moved in early high school and it was really hard. I went from being a kid at my old school who was viewed as a leader and who would have had a lot of chances to take on leadership opportunities in high school to the new kid. I basically had no chance to take on a leadership position in the new high school because of that move, and that really hurt my college options. I then went on to be student body president in college, so I made the most of it later, but it was still really hard to go through high school looked at as an outsider.

One thing my parents did to get me on board with the move was to let me pick where I would go to school. I ended up going to several public high schools in the new area and interviewed teachers and and administration to try to decide which school would be the best fit. I appreciate if that's highly unusual, but I did ultimately end up liking one High School best and my parents agreed to move to that town.

[Anonymous]

Well, having kids is selfish and you are continuing to be selfish. And that’s ok. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Use that extra money and set her up at a boarding school here in the US. There are no shortage of threads and recommendations here on DCUM so you are already one step ahead.

[Anonymous]

My family moved when I was in 10th grade and it was not great for me. I did make a handful of new friends but some were not the best influence and I got a bit into drug culture. I probably would not have done that if we stayed where I grew up. The curriculums didnt align and so i went from bring a straight A student to having As, Bs and Cs.

I survived and am maybe more independent as a result- so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family moved when I was in 10th grade and it was not great for me. I did make a handful of new friends but some were not the best influence and I got a bit into drug culture. I probably would not have done that if we stayed where I grew up. The curriculums didnt align and so i went from bring a straight A student to having As, Bs and Cs.

I survived and am maybe more independent as a result- so there's that.

No way would I ever just leave a child behind though to crash at a friend or extended relatives house....terrible idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

I would try family therapy with a really good adolescent therapist who can help you all acknowledge that this is going to be incredibly difficult, but still work towards coming up with strategies.

I would make the effort to see if there is a friend or family member who could keep her at her school for three years. Even if it is impossible, you should honestly tell her it is very, very unlikely and then show her you are just double checking whether there is a way to make it work. Show her you are working to make things easier for her. You are on her side… as much as possible.

I am someone who is incredibly rooted. Multi generational DC native family. I’ve known people who have made these kinds of changes and I don’t really understand how they can be so flexible. It seems like such a strength, but not everyone adapts well to big changes.

It seems crazy to me that someone would need a family therapist to navigate a move. I'm sorry but this is just a regular part of life's ups and downs, people don't need therapists to help them come up with strategies. This is the kind of stuff people can easily deal with on their own.

When people talk about this generation lacking resilience, it's because of this sort of exaggeration of typical life events into trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family (7th grade son and 9th grade daughter) are moving to Spain as soon as the school year ends. My husband and I are both from there and our kids have been there before and speak Spanish so its familiar.

My son is honestly fine with moving, he's not happy but not sad either so he's pretty neutral. My 15 year old daughter on the other hand is completely devastated. She yells at my husband and I saying we are the worst parents ever and she slams doors and doesn't come out of her room anymore unless its for dinner. She's not budging and she's known that we are moving for about 2 weeks now. She won't tell her friends or talk to relatives and doesn't really believe that we are actually moving (she keeps repeating "we aren't moving" or "I am not going" over and over again.)

My question is; will she get over this? How harmful is this for her development and feelings as we move and process this?

She doesn't want to be a Th-paniard. She likes her American life. Whether she's been to Spain before or speaks Spanish is irrelevant. How would you like it if someone made you move to Peru and said it was fine because you speak Spanish? You're not Peruvian and don't want to become one. Can you not understand this from her point of view?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

I know it's what you don't want to hear, but it might. This is a sensitive time for kids. I know of several for whom this kind of move was devastating and life changing. I also know of kids who did this and were fine, but their initial reactions were not like those you are describing. If this was a possibility, you should have been working towards setting expectations and building skills and connections for years beforehand. Springing this on her now was poor planning.

Yeah I understand but it's too late now. What do we do? We are at our wits end with her.

Keep your job here/get a different job here. What happened to your old job?

nothing happened to the old job. New job is just better paying.

This has to be fake. Who is so flippant about such a big change for their kids?

They must work in academia. I have met Europeans like this who do not care at all about their kids' stability, they just hop from university to university every couple of years because it's good for their CV. High functioning autists in STEM fields. No empathy.

[Anonymous]

I’m another coming on to say she might not get over it. DH’s mom moved after 9th grade and he’s another who still talks about it changed his life. For him it was for the better. It was from a small town, across the country to a city, for a job. He liked it and she moved back to the small town after his graduation. He never moved back and said it got him out. She always was upset how he never came “home to the area” and didn’t understand how he didn’t want to settle there.

So it can have a positive or negative effect. But don’t think these moves at 15 won’t have lifetime consequences either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s understandably anxious, but she’s going to love it, and she’s a lucky girl to be moving to Spain. Her future will be brighter there.

You have no idea how this will work out. She might not love and she might not thrive. Her future might not be brighter because of it.

Spain has far more to offer than the USA now and in the next decade.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me at the same age. My entire social life changed. I moved to a small town that was really old school and centered around southern roots and traditions, and I was an outsider. I can imagine being an American in a foreign country would be similar. The only thing that saved me was my sport, which is probably not an automatic in another country’s high school. It really sucks to be removed from your friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, teachers/mentors/coaches at a time when you’re old enough that the family is no longer your primary social unit. Of course there are some positives, and I made the best of it. But because of my experience, I made a promise to myself that I would never do this to my own children.

[Anonymous]

People on here are such drama queens. Your daughter will be fine. You should consider getting her to work with a therapist now to prepare her for the move, and seeing if it's possible for that same person to talk to her after the move (I don't know how licensing works when you have an overseas client, you need to ask that question).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I got a good job there and they would obviously go to an international school so I don't quite see the problem. She will make new friends and after she graduates she can do whatever she wants and live wherever she wants. My husband and I are so done with her attitude because she's insulting us and yelling at us and sleeping over at friends houses on school nights without even asking us. We just don't engage with her anymore.

This won't traumatize her right? I mean people move all the time and adjust.
Just don't know how we will get her on a plane...

TROLL POST

[Anonymous]

People in the military and foreign service do this ALL. THE TIME. They turn out just fine. OP, your daughter just needs time to adjust. Make sure she's aware of all the traveling adventures she will have.