Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

How will you get him to move out when the internship ends?

What if having extra cash enables an addiction relapse?

I would tell him no. You are not compatible as housemates and that won't change. Living on a tight budget will not hurt him. It's good for young people to go through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I kind of like the list idea. I think things would go better if I made the requests in the moment rather than having general "rules"

It may sound easier in the moment to toss out requests at the spur of the moment, but then they have the weight of an off-the-cuff request and not a house rule.

The other benefit to a planned-out set of rules, even a short list, is that you can present them to your husband in advance. It sounds like he's not the sort to help you prepare the list, but you can tell him that these are the requirements that will allow your son to re-integrate smoothly into the household. And then you have the list to point to—to both of them—if and when things go awry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rent him a studio for a year.

Easy solution.

If you have unlimited funds

OP again. We actually did this his last year of college. He moved from private school to public community college to public four year, so we could use his 529 to really fund a garage apartment. It was a great step for him at the time and an acknowledgement of what a turnaround he accomplished in his life.

We actually offered this time as well, but he requested the cash instead. He doesn't lack for nerve!

Finances, actually are something my husband and I are on the same page about and just not a stressor like the household stuff, so we laughed it off and said living in our house was the financial support! He's earning a modest salary during the year and he can save 80% of it!

Moving in with your parents after graduating is not nerve. You would let your kids, but not him. Why would you pay for private and then force him to go to community college and where did you expect him to live when you didn't want him to live with you?

[Anonymous]

“Sure! We’d love to have you home and spend more time with you! Can we get together for dinner next week to talk about expectations on both sides to make sure it will be mutually agreeable?”

Then talk about who pays for what, how parking will work, expectations for chores, etc. same thing you would do if you were renting out a room in your house to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will you get him to move out when the internship ends?

What if having extra cash enables an addiction relapse?

I would tell him no. You are not compatible as housemates and that won't change. Living on a tight budget will not hurt him. It's good for young people to go through that.

You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

OP has no spine to stand up to her husband so she clearly won't stand up to her stepson either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

Many, many households rely on charts for kids and adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you doing anyone’s laundry other than your own?? My kids have done their own laundry since they turned 10.

You absolutely need to make expectations clear and in writing. And this is for everyone in the household, not just the stepson. Just say we need more organization with more bodies in the house.

Make a chart with days of the week and a column of names. Kid A does laundry on Fridays and empties dishwasher Tues and Thurs. Kid B does laundry Saturdays and empties dishwasher Sunday and Wednesday. Step son does laundry Sunday and empties dishwasher Monday and Friday. Parents do their laundry during the week and are in charge of cooking and trash (or whatever)

The point is that you can’t and shouldn’t shoulder the burden and making it very clear by writing it all down will help take the negotiation out of it all.

Nobody is giving a grown man a chart!

Many, many households rely on charts for kids and adults.

I have grown adult self sufficient sons. They have never needed a chart past elementary school.

[Anonymous]

This is such a typical DCUM thread. Crazy armchair warriors come out swinging, demanding charts and rules or saying that OP has to say no no no. Absolutely ridiculous advice that no one actually would do in real life.

Here's the real life answer. First, stop with the "step son" crap. After 20 years this kid deserves better than that. Treat him no different than the biological kids.

He's gotten an internship. Good for him! Telling us it's his "third choice" is an unnecessary dig and an insult. Lots of interns don't get their first choice or any choice at all.

You WANT him to succeed. You WANT him to launch. It's good for him and it's great for YOUR future.

So you welcome him in. You tell him he can't park in the garage, period, and you don't do his laundry. As for cooking, you keep doing what you've always done for the family, and you include him in it. Just expect help with the dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a typical DCUM thread. Crazy armchair warriors come out swinging, demanding charts and rules or saying that OP has to say no no no. Absolutely ridiculous advice that no one actually would do in real life.

Here's the real life answer. First, stop with the "step son" crap. After 20 years this kid deserves better than that. Treat him no different than the biological kids.

He's gotten an internship. Good for him! Telling us it's his "third choice" is an unnecessary dig and an insult. Lots of interns don't get their first choice or any choice at all.

You WANT him to succeed. You WANT him to launch. It's good for him and it's great for YOUR future.

So you welcome him in. You tell him he can't park in the garage, period, and you don't do his laundry. As for cooking, you keep doing what you've always done for the family, and you include him in it. Just expect help with the dishes.

OP again. Generally appreciate the advice. But I wanted to clarify, I'm in the medical field. I know internships and matching: (He's not, but it's adjacent and similar) third choice is /amazing/. He had over 20 applications, a dozen interviews and almost half the folks don't match at all. Seriously not a dig!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a typical DCUM thread. Crazy armchair warriors come out swinging, demanding charts and rules or saying that OP has to say no no no. Absolutely ridiculous advice that no one actually would do in real life.

Here's the real life answer. First, stop with the "step son" crap. After 20 years this kid deserves better than that. Treat him no different than the biological kids.

He's gotten an internship. Good for him! Telling us it's his "third choice" is an unnecessary dig and an insult. Lots of interns don't get their first choice or any choice at all.

You WANT him to succeed. You WANT him to launch. It's good for him and it's great for YOUR future.

So you welcome him in. You tell him he can't park in the garage, period, and you don't do his laundry. As for cooking, you keep doing what you've always done for the family, and you include him in it. Just expect help with the dishes.

OP again. Generally appreciate the advice. But I wanted to clarify, I'm in the medical field. I know internships and matching: (He's not, but it's adjacent and similar) third choice is /amazing/. He had over 20 applications, a dozen interviews and almost half the folks don't match at all. Seriously not a dig!

Then I don't really understand your problem. The kid sounds great. You're getting worked up over nothing. Be grateful he wants to stay with you and welcome him with open arms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

When he says just tell him to move you say “ I really need you to park on the street Larlo, asking you to move adds an extra element to me getting ready when I am already rushing, thanks for understanding”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sure! We’d love to have you home and spend more time with you! Can we get together for dinner next week to talk about expectations on both sides to make sure it will be mutually agreeable?”

Then talk about who pays for what, how parking will work, expectations for chores, etc. same thing you would do if you were renting out a room in your house to anyone else.

LOL nobody talks like this with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This child has been in your life since he was FIVE and he’s still your “step kid.” For the purposes of this thread, you could have said adult son.

Yeah, OP you kinda suck. Just be kind and treat him like you would your own kid.