Soon to be widowed mother wants to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. Why would you suggest she move to Leesburg or Warrenton rather than Alexandria? You don't want her to move all the way there and still have to drive a while to see her. As she declines, your life will be easier if she's within, say, a ten minute drive.

OP: because she'd be within easy driving distance but not feel as uncomfortable (because those areas aren't quite as progressive).

Has she always been really nasty and a racist or is it a FOX News infection kinda thing? If it’s recent in the last decade then living in a more progressive area and not allowing any FOX news or news nation might snap her out of it. I’m not saying she is going to become a thoughtful caring person she won’t but she may be less into MAGA if it isn’t her only connection to soceity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have SN kids you don't need to be caregiver to a 74 year old unpleasant person as she declines physically or mentally. I say this as a 75 year old woman.
Get her on a list for somewhere she can decline in place.

SN autism mom here. It doesn't get easier when they are teens, trust me. You do not need your difficult mom to deal with at home. Just because she is in a in-law suite doesn't mean she won't be in your home a lot if she lives on the premises. I strongly suggest you have her move into assisted living while she is still ambulatory. She will make friends there and have a community with activities built-in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants to move closer, let her. If she need your logistic help to do so, offer to research independent living near you.

This. Independent living/senior housing with resources and social
Activities if she’s still in good shape with her faculties. If she lives with you she’ll just continue a life checked out and rely on you for all social needs.

[Anonymous]

Protect your peace Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

Don't do it. I didn't move mom in but was very involved helping her even though she is emotionally and verbally abusive when stressed. It damaged my child with autism the most and took years of therapy to deal with what he observed with her behavior-anxiety turned to rage and it wasn't dementia. Mom also doesn't believe in therapy. She went from having a bunch of friends to expecting me to be her everything. I had to distance and contract out.

A family we know ended up torn apart by having the inlaws move in. Within a year of the second parent passing, the couple who welcomed them in are separated and planning to divorce.

She needs a vibrant life of her own while you visit and check on things and just can bring some light fun. You don't want to help her make her life smaller because she will become more and more needy and likely demanding. People will tell you that it models taking care of family, but in our case, I modeled poor boundaries and accepting abuse because it's family and it did a lot of damage that even after I distanced, we are still dealing with. My mother's poor behavior wasn't even dementia, but as you know that can bring some highly concerning behaviors you don't want in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have SN kids you don't need to be caregiver to a 74 year old unpleasant person as she declines physically or mentally. I say this as a 75 year old woman.
Get her on a list for somewhere she can decline in place.

SN autism mom here. It doesn't get easier when they are teens, trust me. You do not need your difficult mom to deal with at home. Just because she is in a in-law suite doesn't mean she won't be in your home a lot if she lives on the premises. I strongly suggest you have her move into assisted living while she is still ambulatory. She will make friends there and have a community with activities built-in.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

OP: I'm not trying to make excuses, just saying what her mindset is. She specifically told me she didn't want to live in an apartment. I wouldn't be making this post if I didn't have misgivings about the idea of her moving in. I think it would be ideal if she moved into a retirement community or bought a 1-story house somewhere in the NOVA area.

Go take a tour of Greenspring. A place like that could be really good for her, assuming she can afford it.

Do you know what her reasons are for not wanting an apartment? A place like Greenspring or another independent living facility would allow her privacy but also provide her with security and support, not to mention social opportunities.

[Anonymous]

OP it doesn't matter what her "mindset" is if you are resolute and brave to say no.
She is imo too old to buy a house. I am 75. We plan to stay in ours as long as we can, but at 75 she will need home sids, etc. or to sell it and move eventually.
Make it clear she NEVER will live with you.
She will be fine in a retirement setup with no maintenance worries, care available, and transportation too. Plus activities. When she is 80 they won't look so old to her, lol.

[Anonymous]

Being a caregiver is hard.

Even with her own space she will expect you to drive her everywhere, be her entertainment, provide meals, etc. Then comes the care giving. My mom who still works FT takes care of her mother who has dementia and other health issues. My uncle lives with my grandmother (due to divorce), but does not help much with anything, but he has time to go on trips all the time. My grandmother has the funds to provide for 24/7 care and refused to be moved into a nursing/assisted living facility even pre-dementia diagnosis. They pay for aides and nurses 24/7, but my mom has to go 2x a day to give the meds (when aides were giving meds, meds were 'missplaced') and goes over to check on her too. When an aide or nurse calls out they try a replacement but what happens if they cant get a replacement? My mom has to go. She has siblings all close-by (including retired and wealthy ones), but she is stuck doing everything. And we are lucky because my grandmother has plenty of $ My mom can't visit her own grandkids because of this and has caused her a lot of stress and her own health issues.

The last three years doctors have told us 6 times my grandmother will die soon, but she is still here! Caregiving is really draining, exhausting, and stressful.
That person becomes the priority, above your own kids, your spouse, even yourself. My mom, thank goodness, told us that she is going to move into a 55+ community (with nursing facility) in the next 5-10 years. She came to that realization after all the care giving stress.

Find a 55+ place and have her move there. She needs her own life with her own friends. You will be her crutch if she moves in even in an in-law situation which will cause stress to your own family.

[Anonymous]

So many red flags.....
It's convenient to have her close because of her age, but I would not have her live with you...especially because of your children's conditions.

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

[Anonymous]

In-law suite still means she’ll be in your business all the time, you’ll have to include her in everything, you’ll always be aware of her there. When you and your kids are laughing and having fun, you’ll be aware your mom is by herself a couple of layers of sheetrock away. When you and the kids are making cookies, you’ll feel like you should include your mom. Her always being around will get very old for your spouse and affect your marriage. She will not be forced to develop any kind of independent life and she will become more dependent on you as she ages. If she’s racist, do you want that in your home? Do you want her to pull so much focus of your focus from your kids?

Tell her diplomatically that living together, even with an in-law apartment, is not going to work. What are her finances? Sounds like a condo or apartment are the way to go, with a location chosen so she has access to social activities. Is she a big church person? Will she volunteer? Does she have a sibling of her own she can visit?

I agree with the PP who mentioned your mom grieving and feeling some relief after the really hard experience of caretaking for someone with dementia. But you should have a game plan firmly in mind before your dad passes. I’m sorry you’re in this hard situation. Let us know what you decide and how it goes.

[Anonymous]

No

The answer is No

Help her get settled in other ways, and along with the other siblings and their parents respective spouses.

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are so cold.

Np. This!! I can’t believe the insanely selfish responses on here. This is OPs mother. I can’t imagine a world where I rejected my own parent like this.

[Anonymous]

It is befuddling to me how obsessed this website is with MAGA hate. You all really need some help.

That being said, I very well could have written the original post, OP. I totally get you. I have several kids with ADHD and possibly autistic as well. Waiting for one to be diagnosed right now. My parents sound very similar to yours. I feel bad but for my mental health and that of my children, I’d never let her in. The suggestions for assisted living or senior community is spot on. Maybe she’d even make some friends.