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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing? [/quote]

Don't do it. I didn't move mom in but was very involved helping her even though she is emotionally and verbally abusive when stressed. It damaged my child with autism the most and took years of therapy to deal with what he observed with her behavior-anxiety turned to rage and it wasn't dementia. Mom also doesn't believe in therapy. She went from having a bunch of friends to expecting me to be her everything. I had to distance and contract out.

A family we know ended up torn apart by having the inlaws move in. Within a year of the second parent passing, the couple who welcomed them in are separated and planning to divorce.

She needs a vibrant life of her own while you visit and check on things and just can bring some light fun. You don't want to help her make her life smaller because she will become more and more needy and likely demanding. People will tell you that it models taking care of family, but in our case, I modeled poor boundaries and accepting abuse because it's family and it did a lot of damage that even after I distanced, we are still dealing with. My mother's poor behavior wasn't even dementia, but as you know that can bring some highly concerning behaviors you don't want in your home.[/quote]

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