Soon to be widowed mother wants to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

Aren't they suspecting a brother-in-law or a son-in-law?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

You sound very bigoted yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

1. If OP is not rich and famous prob not an issue
2. Prob inside job given they knew to disconnect the pacemaker from the phone

Pacemaker automatically disconnects when a certain distance from the phone. Educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

That’s a her problem not a you problem.

But give it time. She’s not widowed yet, and she may feel differently once her DH has passed.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tricky situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so confused. Why would you suggest she move to Leesburg or Warrenton rather than Alexandria? You don't want her to move all the way there and still have to drive a while to see her. As she declines, your life will be easier if she's within, say, a ten minute drive.

OP: because she'd be within easy driving distance but not feel as uncomfortable (because those areas aren't quite as progressive).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you an only child? Be careful how you handle taking money from her to build an in law suite if you have siblings. I've seen this happen in a couple of families and the siblings who didn't build the in-law suite onto their home were bitter. I personally thought the families who built the in-law suite and helped with elder care were in the right, but just be aware this could be fraught.

Yes, I'm an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Saying she would not be open is saying you are looking for alternatives to the done deal of her living with you. Do you see that, OP?

Reframe. Wrench her head around the done deal of she is not going to live with you or share a dwelling with you so you can caregive and be her social life. Not happening.

Given that fact, how about an apartment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

That’s a her problem not a you problem.

But give it time. She’s not widowed yet, and she may feel differently once her DH has passed.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tricky situation.

I agree. That's her problem. You don't have to move her in and disrupt your family because she's not open to living in an apartment. You need to figure out what your boundaries are and let her manage her own emotional response. Likely, once she's processed that she will not be moving in, she will get comfortable living in a nearby apartment. But if she doesn't, she can live alone where she's at now until she can't, at which point you put her in assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

OP: I'm not trying to make excuses, just saying what her mindset is. She specifically told me she didn't want to live in an apartment. I wouldn't be making this post if I didn't have misgivings about the idea of her moving in. I think it would be ideal if she moved into a retirement community or bought a 1-story house somewhere in the NOVA area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

OP: I'm not trying to make excuses, just saying what her mindset is. She specifically told me she didn't want to live in an apartment. I wouldn't be making this post if I didn't have misgivings about the idea of her moving in. I think it would be ideal if she moved into a retirement community or bought a 1-story house somewhere in the NOVA area.

She drew a boundary with you, right? So draw one with her, like, mom, you can't move in with us. It doesn't work for me. Happy to help you buy or rent a house nearby. Let me know if you want help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Then it sounds like she stays where she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

You sound very bigoted yourself.

Noting a racist person is racist is not bigoted lol. Delusional.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are so cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

OP: I'm not trying to make excuses, just saying what her mindset is. She specifically told me she didn't want to live in an apartment. I wouldn't be making this post if I didn't have misgivings about the idea of her moving in. I think it would be ideal if she moved into a retirement community or bought a 1-story house somewhere in the NOVA area.

You are accepting her mindset as a done deal.
She is not the boss of you.
Tell her a home in a retirement community is her best alternative because she won't be isolated, can get care if needed. Tell her living with you is not going to happen.

Or abandon your family and move jn with Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.

OP: I'm not trying to make excuses, just saying what her mindset is. She specifically told me she didn't want to live in an apartment. I wouldn't be making this post if I didn't have misgivings about the idea of her moving in. I think it would be ideal if she moved into a retirement community or bought a 1-story house somewhere in the NOVA area.

So what are you asking for? It seems that your mom has decided to move in with you and you think you have to do as she wants. The reality is that you're an adult now and don't have to do as your mom tells you. Your obligation is to your own family, DH and children. You tell her she cannot move in with you and if she needs help finding alternatives, you're open to help her to find a retirement community or something else that's to her liking. Otherwise she stays put. I'd not move mom in unless she has a really close relationship with your children, including baby-sitting and attending their events, and otherwise having participated in grandparenting. If she's a stranger who now wants to move in, because it suits her, while the kids are already 4 and 10 and don't know her except for a couple-hour-visits, that's would be a definite no!