Soon to be widowed mother wants to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are kind to even entertain the question, OP.

All I want to say is that your financial obligations are to your children, not to your parents. Don't buy a property with in-law suite if that takes away from your children's opportunities, financial and geographic.

I know children benefit from seeing their parents care for their parents. But there are alternative ways to care than by bringing her into your home. At her age, I would be looking at assisted living places with options for nursing care.

+1 to the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. This is not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

There are a number of 55+ communities around Leesburg. That way she wouldn’t be so alone. If she moves to you she expecting you to meet all of her social emotional needs if she moves to you. How many years was she at her current place and she made no friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

1. If OP is not rich and famous prob not an issue
2. Prob inside job given they knew to disconnect the pacemaker from the phone

[Anonymous]

Honestly if she leans more to the right, she'll fit in better in assisted living than smack dab in your Alexandria neighborhood... Most seniors in the DC area lean left, but statistically there's a greater chance of finding a like-minded rightwing soul among seniors than among the general pop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

1. If OP is not rich and famous prob not an issue
2. Prob inside job given they knew to disconnect the pacemaker from the phone

Did they disconnect from her phone, or did it automatically disconnect when she was out of range of the phone. I have an AirTag in my car. If I've been out of the car for about 5 minutes and out of range, I get notification that I'm no longer connected. Though, with the air tag, it will pick up on other people's iPhones when it is in range, and the location will show up on my iPhone. I'm thinking out loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

1. If OP is not rich and famous prob not an issue
2. Prob inside job given they knew to disconnect the pacemaker from the phone

Did they disconnect from her phone, or did it automatically disconnect when she was out of range of the phone. I have an AirTag in my car. If I've been out of the car for about 5 minutes and out of range, I get notification that I'm no longer connected. Though, with the air tag, it will pick up on other people's iPhones when it is in range, and the location will show up on my iPhone. I'm thinking out loud.

Sorry, wrong thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.

I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing?

I made them go live in a home. This is what assisted living is for.

[Anonymous]

If you have SN kids you don't need to be caregiver to a 74 year old unpleasant person as she declines physically or mentally. I say this as a 75 year old woman.
Get her on a list for somewhere she can decline in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe suggest a 55+ village or something like that?

No way in hell would I let her live with me.

This, and if you do, you are a negligent parent.

[Anonymous]

OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

[Anonymous]

You cannot let her move in with you. You know this. You really already know this.

[Anonymous]

Their retirement/50+ community in Haymarket sounds good for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

And you can tell her, if it's the case, that you're not open to living with her. She can then decide how to house herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Our kids are 10 and 4.

She would not be open to living in an apartment, unfortunately. 🫠

Well, you don’t have to be open to her living with you. Why are you only doing what she wants? She should’ve planned for this long ago. It’s not like you get dementia overnight. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem to be making a lot of excuses.