Soon to be widowed mother wants to move in
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Anonymous
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My parents moved from the NYC suburbs to the middle of nowhere to "escape the liberals" a decade ago. My dad is dying of dementia and my mom has begun discussing what she will do after he passes. She mentioned wanting to be closer to us (my family currently lives in Alexandria). I suggested Leesburg or Warrenton and she was very unhappy about those ideas because she'd "still be alone." She said that ideally she would want my husband and I to buy a house with an in-law suite. Which we could potentially do if she chipped in. And that would definitely be better than her living WITH us.
I'm feeling very conflicted because she shouldn't be living in such an isolated place as she currently is and she and my dad are loners who have made no connections there. But she's a 74yo woman who is racist and doesn't believe in mental health services and I'm not sure about moving in someone with those attitudes when our kids are autistic and on medication for ADHD and anxiety. My husband is not opposed to moving her in if we make sure we have boundaries. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you end up doing? |
Anonymous
| OP: right now we are renting so we would not have to sell a house or anything. |
Anonymous
| If she wants to move closer, let her. If she need your logistic help to do so, offer to research independent living near you. |
Anonymous
| Don't do it. Does she have enough money for a retirement home? |
Anonymous
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Maybe suggest a 55+ village or something like that?
No way in hell would I let her live with me. |
Anonymous
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She needs to find a home. Maybe a 55 + community
She doesn’t need to move in w you and become your problem. |
Anonymous
Hasn't she ever stayed/visited with you? Do you all get along or not? Her chipping in for you buy a bigger house is not a bad deal, and when she passes away you could potentially rent out the in-law suite or let your special needs kid live there. If you can get along with her, it's definitely worth considering. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you have young kids. I wouldn't move a parent into my home in that stage of life unless they could help with the kids or at least be a neutral influence on our home. It sounds like your mom wouldn't be helpful and would possibly be a source if difficulty or anxiety at a time when you need to focus on parenting. I agree that a 55+ community would be a better option. |
Anonymous
| Also want to add, if she's a loner, you will be her only social support. I would think long and hard about that, especially moving her into your home, even if it had an in-law suite. |
Anonymous
| I do not think a racist senior should be around autistic, anxiety-ridden kids. Can she move to assisted living place near you? |
Anonymous
She could live another 25 years. Prepare for that time range. |
Anonymous
| She wants to become your problem. Don't let her, unless you really want to take this on for some reason. For the next 20 years. |
Anonymous
| Why not just an apartment near you? I don't understand why it's Leesburg or your basement. |
Anonymous
yea, not if she is racist, and generally MAGA aren't accepting of ADHD type diagnosis. FWIW, my mom has dementia, and my dad is 92. But, neither are MAGA. I would not want my kids around that kind of talk. You know she's gonna spew MAGA hate around the kids. |
Anonymous
This is a good point. OP is going to be her only person, and rely on OP for everything. It doesnt sound like she will be very independent. |