Soon to be widowed mother wants to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also want to add, if she's a loner, you will be her only social support. I would think long and hard about that, especially moving her into your home, even if it had an in-law suite.

She'll be even more out of place in liberal NoVa. I think she'd be happier in the redder parts of Va.

[Anonymous]

Do you know her finances? Can she afford her own end of life care and pitch in toward the house?

At 74, she potentially could live 20 more years. Or is she in bad health? In which case, you'll be a sandwich generation raising kids and taking care of an elderly parent.

However, as a PP said, if you get along and she would be a help, and in-law suite could give you flexibility in the future.

You need to answer a lot of questions before making a decisions. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also want to add, if she's a loner, you will be her only social support. I would think long and hard about that, especially moving her into your home, even if it had an in-law suite.

This is a good point. OP is going to be her only person, and rely on OP for everything. It doesnt sound like she will be very independent.

This is key. My MIL is lovely and wouldn't have been that hard to live with. But when she moved to be close to us, she didn't have any friends in this area. It would have been very, very hard for her to build a community living with us in our suburban neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also want to add, if she's a loner, you will be her only social support. I would think long and hard about that, especially moving her into your home, even if it had an in-law suite.

This is a good point. OP is going to be her only person, and rely on OP for everything. It doesnt sound like she will be very independent.

This - My mom moved down here and told me that she wasn't interested in making friends. I stressed to her that I could not possibly be the only person that she knows. She did make several good friends and joined a few clubs. It's hugely important now that the kids are older and super busy.

If it will be a huge financial benefit to you, you might consider it. Otherwise, pass.

[Anonymous]

What are her finances like? A place like Greenspring in Springfield might be a good solution if she can afford it. She wouldn’t be alone but would be close enough for frequent visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her move in, so she won’t be alone like what we are seeing with the poor old lady that was abducted.

Aren't they suspecting a brother-in-law or a son-in-law?

[Anonymous]

I'm so confused. Why would you suggest she move to Leesburg or Warrenton rather than Alexandria? You don't want her to move all the way there and still have to drive a while to see her. As she declines, your life will be easier if she's within, say, a ten minute drive.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you an only child? Be careful how you handle taking money from her to build an in law suite if you have siblings. I've seen this happen in a couple of families and the siblings who didn't build the in-law suite onto their home were bitter. I personally thought the families who built the in-law suite and helped with elder care were in the right, but just be aware this could be fraught.

[Anonymous]

I would do a trial run of having her stay with you all for 1-2 weeks. At 74, she easily could have 2 more decades left. It’s a lot to live with another person, especially when she’s likely been making all the household decisions and would have to give up reins to you and your dh.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she also has dementia - also voting for a 55+ community that has memory care.

[Anonymous]

Move her nearby in a senior living facility in which she can age in place and meet others her age.

[Anonymous]

Was she or your dad an officer in the military or retire as a 14 or above from the feds? If so, consider a place like Vinson Hall.

[Anonymous]

You are kind to even entertain the question, OP.

All I want to say is that your financial obligations are to your children, not to your parents. Don't buy a property with in-law suite if that takes away from your children's opportunities, financial and geographic.

I know children benefit from seeing their parents care for their parents. But there are alternative ways to care than by bringing her into your home. At her age, I would be looking at assisted living places with options for nursing care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants to move closer, let her. If she need your logistic help to do so, offer to research independent living near you.

This.

But do not offer up your home or your future home. She will survive and make her own friends and widowed life. She will have to grieve, and may feel a sense of relief as she is not a 24/7 caretaker of a dementia patient.