Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

Follow up to above - i know she struggled with the marriage though. I would find diagrams of her feelings even after the grandchildren were born snd she entered her 70s. They were constantly socializing and on the go. I think because she could not stand to be alone with him.
Quite often I wonder at what point did she realize she married a child and how crushing that must have been to a young bride and mother.
Like I said, there aren't many words of praise for my FIL.

[Anonymous]

"I also want to say that depressed people typically look for those around them to make them happy. Instead of making themselves happy."

"He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.

Agree. Suggest few couples therapy appointments, looking at yourself at what you can do better, and strong consideration if you want to stay in this. Big red flag as someone said - people who argue by saying "You..." "You..." instead of "When you do X I feel Y" or "I feel..." are very poor verbal communicators.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

I’d be done after that A-hole unnecessary comment. They showed their true colors with that one.

I’d only say that as I was serving someone divorce papers.

No therapist would sanction that comment.

What kind of therapy is he supposed doing? Just talk therapy? Lie and lie in circles until you rewrite the narrative.

Also, if this isn’t a troll post, what was the original ptsd and underlying disorders that led him to therapy in the first place? (Besides his ranges and temper tantrums/ anger control issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno. My ex wife made ME very depressed too.

Depression.c unless an isolated acute incident, is an output of other underlying issues.

Everyone’s depressed - to some extent - in a bad marriage and household.

The key is to find the real driver(s) of that. It’s never as simple as blaming the other adult around. It’s usually a handful of bad habits that need to be nixed, or a bad communication style, or an underlying mental disorder, or a disordered person’s maladaptive copes.

Once the healthy person finds the underlying driver, they’ll be able to find healthy copes. Including divorce, parallel lives, detachment.

Once the unhealthy person fines the underlying driver, they’ll too will need to decide to work on n the issue or punch out.

Continuing to argue and menace each other is not a viable path forward. Nor is DARVO.

The person seeking the underlying issue will gain peace. The person still raging at surface level things will not.

[Anonymous]

So is OP’s spouse worried about what now? Nothing? No concerns but for themselves and wanting their way? Any kid concerns?

Or are they feeling dandy because they just blamed everything on Op and continued on their merry way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common.

People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/ unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things.
It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/ overstimulated" it's "You're too much/ too loud/ too _____".

Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/ overwhelm has been put on something/ someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

How immature and underdeveloped.

Terrible that kids are seeing this type of role model in their very own parent. Toxic.

Listen, my dude: nobody on the planet gets perfect parents. Jesus Himself didn't get perfect parents. Everybody has their flaws, and while you tried to sneak "mentally disordered" into my post, no, it's all people. Your need to lash out and call a stranger names and "toxic" is probably projecting your own unhealed mess onto this situation. Nobody was given magical maturity at birth. We're all people, and we're all subject to these patterns until/unless we acquire the tools and skills to become better aware of them and choose differently. That's not "mentally disordered", just human.

Ah yes, the “it’s all a spectrum” Guy pops out. Anger, shortcomings, messiness, communication.

Super, it’s all a spectrum and OP’s in an unhealthy one. Plan your exit OP, protect the kids as you can but they’ll be pawns for a long time if there’s a narc involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

I agree, this is my thoughts as well.

He wanted to bring you down a few pegs. He accomplished his task. His fragile male ego feels fulfilled and strong again.

Never kneel so a man can feel tall.

[Anonymous]

Laugh next time he spits such hypocritical garbage. Laugh and walk away. Start taping him too. He’s unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Listen, the truth is you are in an extremely unhealthy dynamic. It doesn’t really matter whose fault it is. This is a mess, and it is impacting your kids. You have to figure out how to move forward in a way that is much healthier for these children.

It isn’t that unusual for someone to weaponize therapy against their spouse. I saw my own father do it with my mom. He would come home and talk about how his therapist said SHE was the problem. Of course, she has been dead 10 years and he has now actually recently tried to get sober and deal with his PTSD from the death of my brother years ago. So, she certainly wasn’t the whole problem. But truthfully, with a husband this terrible, she was stuck in her own toxic behaviors with him. She would walk on egg shells and not ever address any real issue, but then get totally mad about the jelly jar lid being left off. Her kids don’t look back at her as if she was perfect either. We wish she had gotten herself and us out of the toxic mess.

I can’t evaluate the specifics of your situation. But getting your own therapist might help you sort things out. If you are at the point where your own kids are mimicking him, you have a big problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So is OP’s spouse worried about what now? Nothing? No concerns but for themselves and wanting their way? Any kid concerns?

Or are they feeling dandy because they just blamed everything on Op and continued on their merry way.

I think this is the OP who continually posts stuff like this about how her husband turns the kids against her, etc. It's the same story every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So is OP’s spouse worried about what now? Nothing? No concerns but for themselves and wanting their way? Any kid concerns?

Or are they feeling dandy because they just blamed everything on Op and continued on their merry way.

I think this is the OP who continually posts stuff like this about how her husband turns the kids against her, etc. It's the same story every single time.

If they’re all jerks then I really wouldn’t see a reason to stay. At all.

I could maybe rationalize staying to be a good role model for the kids but if they’ve taking up lying, blaming others, and ridiculing people to get out of accountability, I’d be out of there.
Good luck. Come see me when you get your head on straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

A good therapist will be able to impel the onion and see who’s unable to have a discussion or resolve a conflict.

Keep a logbook.

Your could be dealing w a real gaslighting BS’er spouse who lies to their therapist. Or you are the gaslighter and the gig is up.

In cases of abuse marriage therapy is not recommended.

This is hard to admit but this is the exact pattern we have. My spouse has a background in psychology which makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if I would classify this as abuse - but it certainly was very hurtful of your spouse to say that to you.

Pragmatic thinking here (honest!) but could there be some truth to this?

If you are 💯% sure then maybe you ➕ your spouse can work all of this out by talking about this all more.

I wish you both only the very best. 😃

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the love bombing cycle to me. Probably is having an affair. They justify to themselves why they are staying in the marriage and why they should be allowed to cheat. Its really not about you. Its about them justifying their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common.

People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/ unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things.
It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/ overstimulated" it's "You're too much/ too loud/ too _____".

Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/ overwhelm has been put on something/ someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

How immature and underdeveloped.

Terrible that kids are seeing this type of role model in their very own parent. Toxic.

Listen, my dude: nobody on the planet gets perfect parents. Jesus Himself didn't get perfect parents. Everybody has their flaws, and while you tried to sneak "mentally disordered" into my post, no, it's all people. Your need to lash out and call a stranger names and "toxic" is probably projecting your own unhealed mess onto this situation. Nobody was given magical maturity at birth. We're all people, and we're all subject to these patterns until/unless we acquire the tools and skills to become better aware of them and choose differently. That's not "mentally disordered", just human.

Ah yes, the “it’s all a spectrum” Guy pops out. Anger, shortcomings, messiness, communication.

Super, it’s all a spectrum and OP’s in an unhealthy one. Plan your exit OP, protect the kids as you can but they’ll be pawns for a long time if there’s a narc involved.

This thread isn't about whatever personal baggage you're trying to dump on it. Seek help.