Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

You sound like my ex husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the love bombing cycle to me. Probably is having an affair. They justify to themselves why they are staying in the marriage and why they should be allowed to cheat. Its really not about you. Its about them justifying their own lives.

The love bombing cycle can also be used to cover for addiction or other bad behavior. Or it can just be how abusers break down their victim-survivors so they stay and accept evermore control and abuse.

Whatever it's for, it's never for anything good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Lots to unpack here, but I could see me easily saying this to my husband - and it's all true. I've said some form of it over time, but his explosive anger is such an issue that I tend to pick my battles.

The other side of this is a personality that will never speak plainly that they are upset because they can't stand conflict, but they are expecting others to read their mind.

If it's the former, shape up. If it's the latter, then joint counseling or at least understand the dynamic so you can confront it rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

Grew up with a mom like this. The pretending to be happy and all of that is exactly what we would all do when we could tell she was upset. Because we knew how easy it was for her to go off in those situations so it was better to just placate her. And yeah sometimes we would erupt after having to walk on eggshells and hide our feelings for so long.

The reality is, no one on DCUM can tell you if he's an abusive and manipulative jerk or if you're like my mom. You need a marriage counselor or at least to attend a therapy session with your spouse to discuss what's going on.

This was my mom too. It was exhausting and stressful. And she was never at fault of course.