Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

[Anonymous]

A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

[Anonymous]

Is there truth to his observations?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the truth hurts. Can you improve?

I also want to say that depressed people typically look for those around them to make them happy. Instead of making themselves happy. So he’s just continuing the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Doesnt sound like theyre actually depressed.

[Anonymous]

Hmm sounds like some joint therapy is in order

[Anonymous]

Go to individual therapy and learn how to stop being a bully.

It’s not too late right now, but it will be too late later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

OP did not specify a gender but it should not matter anyway.

[Anonymous]

It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

[Anonymous]

Have you been mad? If you have, how were you blindsided?
I have never been be mad. More like sad, because how I was treated. Wasn't sure how long I could go on. Left at year 8 and never looked back.
Their madness took them.
So, what's with you being mad?

[Anonymous]

OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need some serious couples / family therapy to figure out the issues and decide if you want to work through them or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

OP did not specify a gender but it should not matter anyway.

People don't use the word abusive when talking about women. It is a word reserved pretty much for men, like creepy.

[Anonymous]

Therapy or Divorce.

[Anonymous]

I mean maybe there's situational depression and he's allowed to feel how he feels. But at the same time he needs to get a handle on his health issues. Go into individual therapy and get medicated.