Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

OP did not specify a gender but it should not matter anyway.

People don't use the word abusive when talking about women. It is a word reserved pretty much for men, like creepy.

Except on DCUM! Every man trolling mommy forums seem to call their ex wives abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

This.
Wow, sounds like spouse enjoys schadenfreude. We don't like that in our friends, why would we want that in a spouse?
People are suggesting therapy and I wonder what for? To be resigned in this marriage to someone who enjoys hurting you? To dissociate from mean spouse? To contemplate dissolving the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

THIS IS NOT OK

I'm sorry, OP. I don't know what the truth is, but, saying nothing about your role in anything, what your spouse is doing is emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the latter comments.

Get ginances in order. Call a lawyer.


Then ext time they say anything like that remind them they need not flatter you because that you have learned from them on NAME DATE that you are responsible for their depression and they are happier without you.

Thank them for the information.

Then file for divorce.

You don't have to be someone's emotional yo-yo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you need some serious couples / family therapy to figure out the issues and decide if you want to work through them or not.

Yes this is not ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

When my kids hit the other kid, I always say what did you do first.

It’s always the second bad person that gets caught.

So ask yourself what did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

Sure, it’s abusive I agree.

Or it’s a person who is being abused who blows up after holding it in for too long because they fail to communicate in a healthy way.

But that doesn’t mean OP is communicating in a healthy way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

Have you posted about this before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

A good therapist will be able to impel the onion and see who’s unable to have a discussion or resolve a conflict.

Keep a logbook.

Your could be dealing w a real gaslighting BS’er spouse who lies to their therapist. Or you are the gaslighter and the gig is up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

Grew up with a mom like this. The pretending to be happy and all of that is exactly what we would all do when we could tell she was upset. Because we knew how easy it was for her to go off in those situations so it was better to just placate her. And yeah sometimes we would erupt after having to walk on eggshells and hide our feelings for so long.

The reality is, no one on DCUM can tell you if he's an abusive and manipulative jerk or if you're like my mom. You need a marriage counselor or at least to attend a therapy session with your spouse to discuss what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Ok. Stop right there

(A) in a “mundane” argument or team discussion on home Renovations, NO ONE should suddenly zoom out and talk about mental issues. That’s escalation and toxic. And shuts down the actual topic (home renovation detail decision to make).
Lemme guess, no discussion or resolution came of of the topic.
Lemme guess who brought up the topic as a decision was needed, mundane or not.

(B) a good therapist would take this incident and hear each sides story separately and see what’s and who’s derailing things.
They’d back the truck up, and start from before the topic was broached, why it was broached, brought it up, were people informed or ignorant, were people adding to the convo or tagging along, who first Criticized something and why, what happened next, did anyone try to get back to the task in hand, how did it end, is this a communication pattern?

(C) which one of you has an issue with “mundane” decisions or conversations? That’s half of life and half of running a household. Doing a home Reno isn’t for the faint of heart either. It’s not fair to check out, dump on the other person, ridicule who’s doing the work or staying on top of things, or push off decisions.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.