Spouse told me I’m the reason they’re depressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

I’d be done after that A-hole unnecessary comment. They showed their true colors with that one.

I’d only say that as I was serving someone divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

What a narc bully! And then tries to reel you in again with compliments. How psychotic.

Proceed with caution. Play dumb for awhile, but do some lawyer consults, get individual therapy (trauma ironically, but someone who can help you ID mental disorders and symptoms in others), get stronger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

PP following up to say: this is incredibly common when starting therapy, during early recovery, or in any period of transition or extra stress (moving, grief/loss). Anything that reduces one's personal resources can slip into this dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Quick to the trigger second post. And choosing genera, which the Op went of of the way not to do.

If this somehow isn’t a troll post, do NOT do the above.

Step back, collect your thoughts and notes, and talk to others.

Just be civil at home, and get advice from
Friends, family and your own professionals.

You are either getting played by an emotional abuser, or you are being told your marriage is over for whatever reason your spouse and their therapist devised. Real or imagined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Sharing isn’t ridiculing and insulting. Surely this wonderful therapist would have role played such a confrontation and accusation.

Every house is more easily run unilaterally or by one person. Teamwork, conflict resolution and good comms aren’t a skill in everyone. So the underhanded comment is moot and only happened to hurt OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse started going to therapy to deal with some traumatic experiences and ptsd for a few months. It seemed to be helping with depressive episodes, but in a mundane disagreement about household renovations, that stopped and told me that I’m the reason they’ve been depressed for years, and all of it is unrelated to ptsd. This was followed by minutes of them telling me how I’m a bully, they walk on egg shells around me, and life in fear that I’m going to be mad. Then says that the rest of the family is always happier when I’m not around.

I’m blindsided by this relevation and feel like an absolutely horrible and unwanted person.

I’ve been hiding my tears all weekend. Meanwhile my spouse has been cheerful and now tells me they can’t live without me, complimenting my appearance and wants nothing more than to make it work.

Maybe I’m feeling overly emotional right now but this feels a little abusive.

Doesnt sound like theyre actually depressed.

Sounds like he had a bipolar II episode and now is back to baseline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to individual therapy and learn how to stop being a bully.

It’s not too late right now, but it will be too late later.

We need examples to see what’s reasonable here.

op is “mad” their partner didn’t do what everyone was counting on them to do? Partner can’t take feedback and doesn’t want to be accountable so plays victim?

Or

Op is “mad” after a tough day at work and flies off the handle at a new question or comment. Or name calls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is abusive. There are ways to share feelings that are not hurtful. Example:

“I feel —- when you —-“
“Here’s what I see, here’s what I’d like to see”

Also, blaming you for their depression is wildly inappropriate.
Sounds like your spouse wanted to unload on you, and sadly feels better. This is not a good character trait.
I strongly recommend a therapist for you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm sounds like some joint therapy is in order

Nope

No joint therapy with an abuser. No overpaid flying monkey therapists either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

What was the blow up about and what led up to that forum for it to be brought up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For context I should add the basis for starting therapy was because spouse blew up on me in front of kids and then let the oldest kid join in.

I felt this was a breaking point and spent some time away and it seems to be somewhat better. Apparently, I wasn’t seeing things the same way.

When my kids hit the other kid, I always say what did you do first.

It’s always the second bad person that gets caught.

So ask yourself what did you do?

Troll post

[Anonymous]

We all know he needs to just shut up and support his wife. She is a woman and therefore incapable of any wrongdoing or any role in the issues. He needs to praise her for how amazing she is and realize that he is the problem, he will always the problem. No woman will ever accept any man saying he needs to walk on eggshells or that she is part of the problem. That is just straight up abuse coming from a man. He should know by now that his feelings are his to deal with, he needs to just accept how ever she wants to treat him, never speak up, and accept blame and apologize profusely. Men who express needs and wants are straight up losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A man sharing how they feel isn't abusive. Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Clearly this needs a much deeper discussion. There are many men and women who do walk on eggshells and live in fear of how their spouse will react and the house is more relaxed and peaceful when that person isn't there. You can find many threads on here about this.

You need to have a sit down, no kids around conversation. Ask them to explain more, what has happened that has made them feel that way etc. You don't have to agree but hear them out.

Voicing your feelings isn't (generally) abusive. But saying I hate you and then I love you is.

That isn't what he did. In a moment of vulnerability after a therapy session, he voiced an honest feeling that he feels bullied, walks on eggshells, and that everyone is happier / more relaxed when she isn't there. Then he went back to walking on eggshells and trying to do / say all the right things to keep her happy like he usually does.

Who wrote the above? Someone who lives in the home with OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you’re here ruminating and concerned, and he’s off happy as a lark after his diatribe insult is telling. That’s not normal.

He’s abusive and accusing you of what he is doing. He is making others walk on eggshells and try to not let him explode or temper tantrum like a child.
Yikes.

It's not healthy, but it's actually really common. People often project their unprocessed feelings, repressed/unaddressed traumas, and overwhelming emotions onto others to avoid having to be responsible for managing those things. It's not "I feel..." it's "You make me feel...". It's not "I'm overwhelmed/overstimulated" it's "You're too much/too loud/too _____". Once the unaddressed internal emotional conflict/overwhelm has been put on something/someone external, it's "over there" which feels much lighter to the person who doesn't want to or doesn't have the skill to address the concern directly. Now it's YOUR responsibility to fix MY feelings, not mine, and that's MUCH easier for me (for now)!

Agree

OP also needs to look up Coercive Control.

Sounds like they have kids and ones already copying the other parent’s misbehaviors and poor communication manipulations. Sad.