Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

You’re blaming the wrong person.

Your husband created this situation and set it up so you were holding the rope and you could be his scapegoat. First, he failed to plan anything for his mother’s birthday. Second, he dumped you with telling his mom that she wouldn’t be seeing the grandchildren on her birthday.

That’s cowardly and manipulative—so much so that you’re annoyed with your in-laws. Your in-laws are annoyed with you. And nobody’s mad at the person responsible. He’s playing you.

[Anonymous]

I would have tried to make the dinner because that would solve feeding my kids and sounds like a win to me. Otherwise you have to drag them home and figure out what to do about the meal.

And I don’t really like my in-laws but this doesn’t sound like a huge deal to me, even with late notice. It’s a meal in a restaurant. How long could it have lasted? Show up, shove some food in your mouth, sing happy birthday and then leave.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think it was one of those “grown-up” events you should’ve attended even though it wasn’t ideal. Being an adult takes a lot of efforts.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband is at fault for 1) not trying to make plans for HIS mother's birthday and 2) leaving OP holding the bag, conveniently giving MIL a scapegoat for her son's shortcomings. Also, MIL is a complete pill for behaving as if her birthday (which comes at the tail end of an exhausting holiday season) is important. She's being an old, petulant bitty. I say that as someone with a Jan 2 birthday. I know of what I speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband is at fault for 1) not trying to make plans for HIS mother's birthday and 2) leaving OP holding the bag, conveniently giving MIL a scapegoat for her son's shortcomings. Also, MIL is a complete pill for behaving as if her birthday (which comes at the tail end of an exhausting holiday season) is important. She's being an old, petulant bitty. I say that as someone with a Jan 2 birthday. I know of what I speak.

I don’t think it is too much to ask for your son to recognize your birthday. We know every August to ask my MIL how she wants to celebrate. We ask a few weeks ahead so she doesn’t have to wonder if we forgot. It is not petulant.

[Anonymous]

The only way this could possible be your fault is by not being firm from the outset and saying no, dentist appointment, can't make it in time.

Your MIL understood "play it by ear" as "we'll figure it out and come anyway".

Also, as soon your husband backed out, there was instantly more burden on you to make it, because MIL wanted guests at her birthday dinner.

LESSON FOR NEXT TIME: say no right away if there's the slightest chance that you know you won't be able to make it.

LESSON FOR MIL: she should plan ahead, the big silly. Will she learn for next time? I doubt it

[Anonymous]

New poster and yes, you were in the wrong. You asked and that's my answer.

Family is important!

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband is at fault for 1) not trying to make plans for HIS mother's birthday and 2) leaving OP holding the bag, conveniently giving MIL a scapegoat for her son's shortcomings. Also, MIL is a complete pill for behaving as if her birthday (which comes at the tail end of an exhausting holiday season) is important. She's being an old, petulant bitty. I say that as someone with a Jan 2 birthday. I know of what I speak.

I don’t think it is too much to ask for your son to recognize your birthday. We know every August to ask my MIL how she wants to celebrate. We ask a few weeks ahead so she doesn’t have to wonder if we forgot. It is not petulant.

Sorry, but being angry and grumbling that her bday was "ruined" because she didn't see her grandchildren is absolutely being petulant. And then enlisting FIL to affirm that narrative. This manipulating MIL knows what she's doing and is used to getting what she wants with this childish behavior.

[Anonymous]

I work in the medical field and can't take off work at short notice. So it has happened where I call DH and say "Uncle Joe is in town and my mom is having dinner for him at her house tonight. I cant make it but is imperative that you be there with the kids or I'll never hear the end of it." And he says ok and makes sure to be there. If I didn't tell him this was important I'm sure he'd prefer to be at home watching YouTube.
So I do think your husband should have managed this.

[Anonymous]

Who is this dentist with late hours on a Friday? Do share, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is this dentist with late hours on a Friday? Do share, OP.

Saturdays, too!

https://www.dcpearlsdental.com/

[Anonymous]

“Sorry, Barb, next time let us know and we can make firm plans. Giving less than 24 hours of notice doesn’t work, clearly.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry, Barb, next time let us know and we can make firm plans. Giving less than 24 hours of notice doesn’t work, clearly.”

lol… she should let you know about her birthday? It doesn’t change.

[Anonymous]

It just sounds like DH and OP didn't really want to make this work, with the delayed/last minute planning to the non commital "play it by ear".

Maybe it's time to think about what kind of relationship you/DH/kids want with your ILs, instead of playing these games. If they were to drop dead in a year, how would you want to spend that time, if any, with them?