Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

A dentist working at 5pm on a Friday Jan 2 for multiple kids? Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

all of you sound flaky and have problems with planning:

1) DH should have made bday plans for HIS mother 1-2 weeks in advance.
2) if he had to cancel due to work, he should have discussed with you first whether you'd be ok taking kids to dinner without him.
3) since DH didn't do either of the above, i probably would be displeased but would suck it up and go to dinner with kids bc i'm not a flaky person and don't want to teach my kids to be either.
4) MIL should not be upset if she agreed to "play it by ear".

[Anonymous]

As someone who has a birthday around the holidays, yes, you should have made an effort with the kids. You could not drive over to dinner after the dental cleanings?

It makes me sad when no one ever shoes up for anything on my birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

This is how kids learn manners and how kids learn to carry conversations with family.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't attend a dinner at 6 if I had a 5pm doctor's appointment, of course. But would have either stopped by their house for coffee later or taken her out the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously your husband is in the wrong for not planning in advance. And you certainly are not troubling yourself to make it right. Well, your kids will learn not to care when it’s your turn.

This. Plan to be alone on birthdays when you have grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH do for a profession? Is he a plumber? What "comes up at work" on a Friday at 5pm when where majority of folks are off due to the Holidays?

You must be a federal employee—they are the only people I knew who had Friday off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean how hard would it have been to take 90 minutes to do this. It’s a Friday, not a school day, and you had the rest of the weekend to "recover".

How hard would it have been for the MIL to contact the family *before* making dinner reservations if their presence was make it or break it?

+1 this is ridiculous for an adult's bday.

Drop the rope and DH communicate with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should have handled this better.

In life I find it’s always better to underpromise and overdeliver than the other way around. Your husband didn’t want to tell his mom you guys weren’t available so he said “maybe” and left it on YOU to cancel so he wouldn’t have to. That’s cowardly. He threw you under the bus so he wouldn’t have to be the one to say no.

If he had a spine he would have told his mom no ahead of time. Then he could have talked to you the day of the birthday and checked if you were available—if yes, it’s a happy surprise. If no, it was expected.

Instead, he dumped the emotional labor on you and made you the bad guy on his mom’s birthday. He needs to grow up and apologize to you and his mom. You need to stop enabling this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A dentist working at 5pm on a Friday Jan 2 for multiple kids? Sure, Jan.

I agree. Just another mil smear thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

Manage the kids? You can take them to the dentist alone but can't have a dinner out with them? Stranger by the moment.

Oh come on. I take my preschooler and first grader to the pediatric dentist alone all the time. Dentist appointments are relatively short and the kids watch tv most of the time.

That does not translate into wanting to take them to a fancy restaurant for a dinner that will last 2 hours. Add in that it’s dinner with in-laws and your husband isn’t even going, and it becomes an even bigger chore.

Stop being delusional.

[Anonymous]

Not out of line and your husband needs to talk to his mother - 6pm Friday invitations need to be planned ahead or if 6pm Friday will never work then that needs to be communicated.

If your relationship with the ILs is cordial then your yes or not should not be separate.

[Anonymous]

Stop playing victim. You should have said kids have Dr appointments but we should be done by 7 and can meet you at 7. Yes, you see her alone and be kind. One day you will be the mil and how do you want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:all of you sound flaky and have problems with planning:

1) DH should have made bday plans for HIS mother 1-2 weeks in advance.
2) if he had to cancel due to work, he should have discussed with you first whether you'd be ok taking kids to dinner without him.
3) since DH didn't do either of the above, i probably would be displeased but would suck it up and go to dinner with kids bc i'm not a flaky person and don't want to teach my kids to be either.
4) MIL should not be upset if she agreed to "play it by ear".

This and your both FIL and DH pretty much both suck. Why didn't one/both of them plan something in advance for her birthday? News flash, it's the same day every year!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I didn’t feel great about showing up solo with two kids while my husband was absent."

This is so odd to me. Clearly you live near these people and you've likely known them for at least 10 years since you have 2 kids in school.

Also odd is not realizing Friday Jan 2 is not a school day!

Honestly? They said, “Does Friday the 2nd at 5pm work?” and I just took it. Surely you aren’t thinking I deliberately did this anticipating ILs would invite us to dinner at 6pm on this exact day with only 24 hours notice, right?

I didn’t think it was fair to show up alone. To me, to the kids, to everyone at the (not exactly kid-friendly) restaurant. ILs aren’t helpful. I just didn’t want to in that moment, without DH there to help carry conversation with his parents, or help manage the kids.

Manage the kids? You can take them to the dentist alone but can't have a dinner out with them? Stranger by the moment.

Oh come on. I take my preschooler and first grader to the pediatric dentist alone all the time. Dentist appointments are relatively short and the kids watch tv most of the time.

That does not translate into wanting to take them to a fancy restaurant for a dinner that will last 2 hours. Add in that it’s dinner with in-laws and your husband isn’t even going, and it becomes an even bigger chore.

Stop being delusional.

This and the fact that your kids can’t handle a restaurant, are related.