19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this kindly as someone who dated older for most of my 20s and who was engaged to someone 11 years older -- don't do this.

Partnering with someone significantly puts you at a disadvantage -- they earn more and they are more established in their career, so your mobility is limited. When there is a choice about where to go in the relationship, when you do the math, you will always lose out -- because you earn less and have less time invested in a career. It's unfair in a way that is very subtle, and I didn't realize the dynamic until it was too late.

I have really encouraged my DD to partner with someone much closer to her age.

Also, as a divorced parent of 2, it's a huge red flag that your partner already has 2 older kids - does he have full 50% custody? Does he take care of 50% of the parenting load?

I really think you should get into individual therapy and consider why you are willing to accept such a limited future life for yourself in the name of "love". It's a huge romanticization and de-rationalization of one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this kindly as someone who dated older for most of my 20s and who was engaged to someone 11 years older -- don't do this.

Partnering with someone significantly puts you at a disadvantage -- they earn more and they are more established in their career, so your mobility is limited. When there is a choice about where to go in the relationship, when you do the math, you will always lose out -- because you earn less and have less time invested in a career. It's unfair in a way that is very subtle, and I didn't realize the dynamic until it was too late.

I have really encouraged my DD to partner with someone much closer to her age.

Also, as a divorced parent of 2, it's a huge red flag that your partner already has 2 older kids - does he have full 50% custody? Does he take care of 50% of the parenting load?

I really think you should get into individual therapy and consider why you are willing to accept such a limited future life for yourself in the name of "love". It's a huge romanticization and de-rationalization of one of the most important decisions you will make in your life.

Of course not, he's out f***ing around with someone half his age.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, you are getting what you deserve.

You have to crowd-source this? To call you a victim is to do injustice to real victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 27 and a PhD student, and my boyfriend is a 46 year old lawyer. I really love him, we have an amazing relationship - we communicate well, have similar goals, compliment one another and enjoy being together. That said, sometimes I worry about our age difference and what it might mean for us long term.

I’d love to hear the perspectives of people who’ve been in or are in relationship like this

If you've daddy issues, its fine. If not then you'll be bored with him in 10 years because he'll age way faster after 55 and you two are going to be in really different age groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 27 and a PhD student, and my boyfriend is a 46 year old lawyer. I really love him, we have an amazing relationship - we communicate well, have similar goals, compliment one another and enjoy being together. That said, sometimes I worry about our age difference and what it might mean for us long term.

I’d love to hear the perspectives of people who’ve been in or are in relationship like this

If you've daddy issues, its fine. If not then you'll be bored with him in 10 years because he'll age way faster after 55 and you two are going to be in really different age groups.

Even if she has daddy issues it won’t be fine in 10 years because she won’t enjoy being his “mommy”.

Signed mid 40s woman with daddy issues. The oldest “Daddy” I dated in my 40s was a year younger than me. I loved him “parenting” me I’m a pillow princess and Babe.

[Anonymous]

You are 27. You are ten years into being an adult and can choose who you want to date or be in a relationship with. You are more than capable of assessing your own situation, getting to know the other person, figuring out if this is right for you or not. You can assess the dynamic, how age plays a role now and in the future and decide if the benefits are worth it.

Women and men are both capable of making informed decisions about their lives. You are an adult and can make whatever decisions you want. What random people online say knowing a couple paragraphs about you shouldn't really shape your thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

Why are you on a mommy website?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

You are going to trigger so many people lol. People think having a first child at 40 is totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

Does the data back this up? Are you saying younger people are less likely to have a child with SN?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor, who is 52 and going through a divorce, is currently dating a 30-year old. She wants kids, he says he'll have more. I pointed out to him that if she got knocked up today, he'd be 70 at his child's high school graduation. That sort of shocked him.

So I'd say the same to you, if you want kids. Assuming it'll be a few years from now, do you want your husband to be geriatric when your kids are going off to college? You'll likely spend your later years taking care of an old man. Not the life I'd want to lead but you do you.

That's what happens when one of the partners (mostly women) wants everything right away and not patient to build something beautiful with their men. Either you get established or young men.

[Anonymous]

I know a couple with a large age gap that i believe is about 21-22 years. They are the parents of DD’s friend. From what I have observed, it’s been a very happy marriage. But while he had always been in amazing shape, a few years ago his health turned and she is now his caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

I’m not planning on having kids in my 40s. My child was both when I was 27 but his dad being 11 years older is a very likely reason for autism (no genetic predispositions otherwise).

I believe it’s fair not to want having kids with older partners. Both for potential of birth complications and out of concern about elderly care happing at the same time with child care. Life is challenging enough even without that. OP surely should make her own

The recent research shows that old paternal age is the larger contributor to certain brain conditions in babies than old maternal age. The reason for that is that “old” egg that is able to be fertilized is likely still a “good” egg. Low quality eggs don’t develop into pregnancy. Whereby semen carries tons of deviant genes and can still fertilize eggs. That later develops into a baby that’s healthy physically but could show certain mental special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - the PP said something important you don’t want to miss. Elderly paternal age is a very high risk of autism and ADHD. My child has autism and so are many of his classmates born from “order dads”

Older paternal age is over 35

Excellent point. New data shows old sperm is the cause of more issues than old eggs. So OP should be aware that her childs risk of autism or other SN is much higher with an old man.

As a mother to mildly autistic son i observed those wealthy families with large age gaps in my child’s private school. Literally all kids took exams in HS with special accommodations. Kids couldn’t attend public schools as they are unable to focus and needed hand holding socializing with classmates and teachers. I had to give up my career to take my child to therapies and they had a major mental crisis in teens and first year in college (where they were not as much guarded and tendered to). My marriage didn’t survive the stress of older husband (who turned out selfish and uninvolved dad irritated by SN child). We divorced when I was in early 40s and he in his 50s.

None of the “old dads” kids succeeded or got into great colleges, 4 years post HS graduation. Boys are now trying to become musicians and girls physical therapists or similar. These are kids of very wealthy families with dads who are lawyers, financiers etc. So next gen is a step down intellectually from the parents.

Don’t do it to your kids, OP! Find an energetic young man to reproduce with

I wouldn't have a child with a woman over the age of 32. Don't take it personal if you are past that age. It's just my preference. And I do think I want to get anyone pregnant either once I am past 30. I'm 25 now and engaged. My fiance is 26. As soon as we get married we will try for a child.

Because so many people are having children so late in life, the science has evolved to accommodate them and make them think like it's okay.

If you look at most SN kids, they were born of older parents.

Does the data back this up? Are you saying younger people are less likely to have a child with SN?

Yes there was research to it but both parents must be young and heathy, not just the woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple with a large age gap that i believe is about 21-22 years. They are the parents of DD’s friend. From what I have observed, it’s been a very happy marriage. But while he had always been in amazing shape, a few years ago his health turned and she is now his caregiver.

Is your DD’s friend a good student ?