How did you tell your spouse the marriage is over? Especially if abuse was present??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

Sure, let her fill in the details. She has said no physical abuse though.

You can tell yourself whatever you want but divorce is awful for kids and it’s not just the initial divorce, it’s the years of co parenting and division. And if OPs dh is as abusive as you seem to assume, they will be with him half time, alone. Do you think that’s fair to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

They do to reduce child support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP doesn't NEED to describe anything to you. You aren't the divorce police. She asked for help on navigating a conversation, not your opinion on her abusive relationship.

OP will be better off away from an abusive man. OPs children will be better off not having their mother abused by their father. Your advice comes from extreme malice - because you want women or OP specifically to suffer. It's fu*ked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

So you're still encouraging her to stay with an abusive man because he's not abusive ENOUGH in your personal opinion. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is better for her children than her divorcing. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is her responsibility because she birthed children.

OP *is* thinking long term for her children. Staying with abusers is NEVER the answer. It's really sad that you'd rather women be abused just so the divorce stats don't increase. I'm so glad that most people on this thread know a woman's safety is more important than a piece of paper (or lack thereof). Maybe one day you'll be able to be on the side of women, but I'm guessing it won't be any time soon.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who hates faking my happiness or even just that nothing is wrong.

I can't do anything for the rest of the year because of the holidays. But I'm getting so antsy to just put this all out there with my spouse. It's just not the right time.

Especially because I need to move important documents and hopefully get a job lined up first.

But once you were ready, how did you announce it? Were you located somewhere else for fear of retaliation?

I appreciate any insight..

You do not “tell them.”

They are irrational al and volatile and abusive.

You quietly plan everything, start everything going, do as much as possible, then simultaneously move out with the kid, freeze the assets, serve the divorce papers & temporary custody and child support papers, and only communicate via lawyers or court text app thereafter. And Yellow Rock.

[Anonymous]

I repeat: do not pre-announce anything. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

So you're still encouraging her to stay with an abusive man because he's not abusive ENOUGH in your personal opinion. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is better for her children than her divorcing. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is her responsibility because she birthed children.

OP *is* thinking long term for her children. Staying with abusers is NEVER the answer. It's really sad that you'd rather women be abused just so the divorce stats don't increase. I'm so glad that most people on this thread know a woman's safety is more important than a piece of paper (or lack thereof). Maybe one day you'll be able to be on the side of women, but I'm guessing it won't be any time soon.

Honestly I wonder if you’re some foreign bot trying to cause havoc in American society by encouraging divorce. Can anyone be this immature and clueless irl?

There is no safety issue from what OP has said AT ALL. And you still haven’t responded how the kids are being considered. You have this pat answer - women should leave abusers! But you haven’t accounted for where the kids will be.

You’re either a liar or really really immature

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

Op. I hope you’re not being hasty. You have a baby and other kids and you’re planning to leave your husband? Ok. What’s the long term plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

Sure, let her fill in the details. She has said no physical abuse though.

You can tell yourself whatever you want but divorce is awful for kids and it’s not just the initial divorce, it’s the years of co parenting and division. And if OPs dh is as abusive as you seem to assume, they will be with him half time, alone. Do you think that’s fair to them?

Staying married to an abuser is awful for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

They do to reduce child support

They don't tend to stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

They do to reduce child support

They don't tend to stick with it.

Yes, they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

Op. I hope you’re not being hasty. You have a baby and other kids and you’re planning to leave your husband? Ok. What’s the long term plan?

OP here.

I don't think I'm being hasty - I was dumb and blind for many years. Yes, an argument can be made that it wasn't smart to have more kids - that is neither here nor there at this point. But I don't regret any of my kids.

Thankfully I have family who I know would help support me until I can get on my feet by myself.

Have to wait a year anyways before filing..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

So you're still encouraging her to stay with an abusive man because he's not abusive ENOUGH in your personal opinion. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is better for her children than her divorcing. You think her staying with an abusive man (but not *that* abusive IYO) is her responsibility because she birthed children.

OP *is* thinking long term for her children. Staying with abusers is NEVER the answer. It's really sad that you'd rather women be abused just so the divorce stats don't increase. I'm so glad that most people on this thread know a woman's safety is more important than a piece of paper (or lack thereof). Maybe one day you'll be able to be on the side of women, but I'm guessing it won't be any time soon.

Honestly I wonder if you’re some foreign bot trying to cause havoc in American society by encouraging divorce. Can anyone be this immature and clueless irl?

There is no safety issue from what OP has said AT ALL. And you still haven’t responded how the kids are being considered. You have this pat answer - women should leave abusers! But you haven’t accounted for where the kids will be.

You’re either a liar or really really immature

Right, the person encouraging women to leave abusive men is the bot. Makes total sense. You're delusional and not living in reality here. Encouraging women to stay with abusive men is awful and dangerous advice. Sh!tting on the women encouraging other women to leave their abusers is some next level garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

Op. I hope you’re not being hasty. You have a baby and other kids and you’re planning to leave your husband? Ok. What’s the long term plan?

OP here.

I don't think I'm being hasty - I was dumb and blind for many years. Yes, an argument can be made that it wasn't smart to have more kids - that is neither here nor there at this point. But I don't regret any of my kids.

Thankfully I have family who I know would help support me until I can get on my feet by myself.

Have to wait a year anyways before filing..

I'm SO GLAD to hear you have family support. That will help immensely. If you have a year, definitely start getting your ducks in a row. Multiple consultations with different lawyers first. Therapy for you second. A job can be a distant third if the lawyers suggest it.