How did you tell your spouse the marriage is over? Especially if abuse was present??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We are getting a divorce."

Which I had to repeat for a year. Then started a separation and divorce was finalized a year later.

OP here. I guess nothing changed with your spouse even repeating that for a year? 🥴

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

You are crazy!

Not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

You are crazy!

Not OP

This is not crazy at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had to wait until the divorce was “his idea”, otherwise he’d torture me.

Abusers will engage in post-separation abuse. And it's bad. The only recourse is to document, document, document, prove things, and get it to stop.

All communication in writing - use an app to turn texts into a court-admissable format or use OurFamilyWizard or just email. Organize everything. Tell your story like a paralegal. Even then you might not stop the post-separation abuse, but with a good judge you can indeed make it a lot better.

You are correct, divorced 3 years and he is stalking and stealing as recently as last month. They never change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

With zero details, you've concluded that OP identifying the husband as emotionally abusive is not real abuse.

My dad was (and is) emotionally abusive and probably technically not physically abusive. He screamed horrible things at us children and my mom growing up. Disappeared for days on my younger sister's birthday because she dare asked to use her Starbucks gift card. He told her to go get herself "f**** pregnant," said he's "f**** done," packed his bags, and left. He returned a few days later and revealed he went skiing alone for four days and pretended like nothing happened? He's screamed at me in public streets to go f*** myself last year.

My mom, who is still married to him, continues to say that she stays with him to avoid shared custody. Except all us kids are adults now and she's still married. Plus, he was a completely uninvolved father and would have never been able or have wanted to do more than every other weekend. Even that was too much for him.

I resent my mom for not divorcing him. And I resent mom for justifying continuing to stay with my dad under the guise of protecting the children. Staying with him did not protect us.

[Anonymous]

As someone who worked through this with abuse involved, just get make your lawyer do it. That's what you pay them for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Stop with your minimizing. Emotional abuse IS abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Stop with your minimizing. Emotional abuse IS abuse.

Ok so let’s assume you’re right. Is it right for op to leave small children with someone who is abusive? Would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry op, but I will be brutally honest. Divorce is going to be very hard on your kids. Try couples and individual therapy, if only for the sake of your kids. Maybe he doesn’t even deserve that but in the long run it would be worth it. Either way get a job so you a) change the power dynamic that makes him not appreciate you or feel trapped and b) will be exit ready. Don’t just take any job though get one that has earning and growth potential and is kid friendly like teaching or nursing since you are the primary parent. If you do divorce don’t keep the house. Downsize. Don’t bother fighting 50/50 just gradually offer to take more childcare hours without asking for more money. Realize he will likely remarry and may even have more kids and your kids will have a stepmom. Good luck.

Do you have any reason to say any of this? You don't seem to know what you're talking about.

In cases of abuse couple's therapy is contra-indicated: abusers use it as another place to abuse, though aware and skilled therapists will catch on and stop the therapy. But those who aren't aware will let it happen or even pile on.

Yes divorce will be hard - abusers tend to also emotionally abuse the kids and parental alientation is a family systems problem that gets exacerbated by everything about the divorce process.

Yes courts have moved towards defaulting to 50/50, but good documentation can prove a lot of things and spousal support exists.

Whether or not OP's DH remarries has no bearing on the choice she needs to make right now for her safety. Did you miss the part about SAFETY? ABUSE?

NP- did OP indicate there is a safety issue? I see the communication going from 'he is angry' and 'he ignores us' to other people saying it's DV and she needs a safety plan. That's a big leap. 50/50 is pretty much guaranteed unless there is documented significant PHYSICAL abuse of the kids, and that would require an expensive court battle in many cases. I haven't heard anything like that from OP and frankly as a woman, i've become disenchanted with how many female support groups immediately jump to 'all men are abusers' and 'any expression of anger by another person is 'dangerous' and 'emotional abuse'. i am also hearing a lot of people use words like 'coercive control' too. its too much. women have agency too. why are we making them all victims all the time?

Stop trying to minimize OPs struggles. She doesn't need YOUR permission to divorce. It's actually dispicible to see another woman ( ) trying to coerce her into staying in an abusive relationship because it doesn't fit your magically high standards of abuse. Sorry, but no. Some of us want to enjoy our lives while we still have them, not be shackled to abusive men who make us miserable. It's really sad that you can't see there's a better option than being in a relationship like this.

Where did I tell her to stay? I asked if there was a safety issue. Is there? Why don’t you let her confirm instead of assuming?

And it matters what sort of abuse there is bc she will be sharing custody of her children with her ex. You don’t think that’s an important consideration?

OP here. Nothing physical, although I hope that remains to be the case..

Emotional yes, undertones of financial..

I’m going to be harsh here. You are perfectly entitled to leave him and do what you want. Your dh sounds like a jerk, but what you describe would not be considered ‘abuse’ in any real world forum, and you sound somewhat immature. To be clear, you will share 50 50 custody of your children. He may not even want it right now, but he will likely change his mind when they’re older and he gets sick of paying child support to you. Recognize this reality and think long and hard about your kids and what you’re doing and how that will be for them.

Also - "Where did I tell her to stay?"

Right here - That's a threat. "Think about your children before you decide to leave your abusive husband". That's telling her to stay, because her "version" of abuse doesn't fit your standard to leave. You are a very sad human being.

No, I’m a grown up and you are either a troll or a child maturity wise. Op hasn’t described anything close to what would be considered ‘abuse’ under the law so her children will definitely live at least 50 % of the time with this person, without her. Any adult who has had children assumes a serious responsibility to them, and so this fact must be considered. Sorry it doesn’t fit your teenage pop psychology narrative, but this is reality. Op needs to grow up and consider this situation long term for her children. That is the promise she made to them when she brought them into the world.

OP hasn’t given specifics at all? You have no basis for determining whether there is likely abuse except that she said there hasn’t been physical.

Keeping children in an emotionally abusive home can be enormously damaging. Ask me how I know. And s**** husbands tend not to stick to anything close to 50-50 custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm someone who hates faking my happiness or even just that nothing is wrong.

I can't do anything for the rest of the year because of the holidays. But I'm getting so antsy to just put this all out there with my spouse. It's just not the right time.

Especially because I need to move important documents and hopefully get a job lined up first.

But once you were ready, how did you announce it? Were you located somewhere else for fear of retaliation?

I appreciate any insight..

Yes be somewhere else
Get gift cards that they don’t know about for extra cash ie go to get groceries get a $50 or $25 gift card hide them

Copies of everything
Passport mate copies birth certificate
Banking

[Anonymous]

I did this a while ago. I did it in private but later realized that probably wasn't the best idea. Be safe and protect yourself. I think the advice to do it in a quiet place in public is best and to already have you and your kids elsewhere.