How did you tell your spouse the marriage is over? Especially if abuse was present??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

You are considering divorce because of some level of incompetence with babies, disinterest in small children, anger issues, and general un-involvement in family life.
I hope you realize that the baby/toddler/small child years are the hardest years of any marriage.
Yes, he's selfish and not willing to invest himself in sharing the drudgery of these years. And you are left to carry most of that load. I totally get it because I have been there.
I separated from my spouse for nearly a decade over similar dynamics but there were lots of other issues going on too (expensive hoarding habits, uncontrolled business expenses, lots of financial mismanagement, and more anger).

In my case, as the kids got older and less needy, he became more interested in them as people. It's really stupid but he needs 2 way interaction with people, not the mostly 1 way interaction with small children which is mostly about meeting their needs. He has been a decent parent and really stepped up for college. Basically, he doesn't put in unless he feels he's getting something out of it and what he's getting out of it now is a father to nearly-adult-child relationship where the kids have done extremely well.
My kids at this age need a parental relationship that is no longer based on neediness and more based on stability and a sense that their parents are going to be alright.
I'm also not angry about his personality anymore. As my attorney told me, look, you married him. I have to acknowledge my own part in choosing him for a mate and father to our children.
For his part, I think he has mellowed similarly. Being separated gave him room to realize how much he had taken my efforts for granted. He is also thankful to me for how the kids turned out.
We are sort of spending more time together. The catalyst was members of our family getting sick and dying the past few years.
I don't know what to tell you OP, but the sheer drudgery you are in now will pass. The question is will he become more invested in the family?

By the way, when I took my first baby to visit my childless sister when the baby was 6 months and JUST starting to sit up, my sister didn't understand the baby's cues. I turned my head away for one second and my child tipped over from sitting position and bonked her head on a chair leg.
My sister fearfully gave me the side-eye. I couldn't be mad at her, she just didn't know babies. Since then she's had a few kids and I think understands a little more about babies and motor skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

By the way, when I took my first baby to visit my childless sister when the baby was 6 months and JUST starting to sit up, my sister didn't understand the baby's cues. I turned my head away for one second and my child tipped over from sitting position and bonked her head on a chair leg.
My sister fearfully gave me the side-eye. I couldn't be mad at her, she just didn't know babies. Since then she's had a few kids and I think understands a little more about babies and motor skills.

You're comparing your childless sister with a male parent of multiple children? Really? Your bar for men is incredibly low, how pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

You are considering divorce because of some level of incompetence with babies, disinterest in small children, anger issues, and general un-involvement in family life.
I hope you realize that the baby/toddler/small child years are the hardest years of any marriage.
Yes, he's selfish and not willing to invest himself in sharing the drudgery of these years. And you are left to carry most of that load. I totally get it because I have been there.
I separated from my spouse for nearly a decade over similar dynamics but there were lots of other issues going on too (expensive hoarding habits, uncontrolled business expenses, lots of financial mismanagement, and more anger).

In my case, as the kids got older and less needy, he became more interested in them as people. It's really stupid but he needs 2 way interaction with people, not the mostly 1 way interaction with small children which is mostly about meeting their needs. He has been a decent parent and really stepped up for college. Basically, he doesn't put in unless he feels he's getting something out of it and what he's getting out of it now is a father to nearly-adult-child relationship where the kids have done extremely well.
My kids at this age need a parental relationship that is no longer based on neediness and more based on stability and a sense that their parents are going to be alright.
I'm also not angry about his personality anymore. As my attorney told me, look, you married him. I have to acknowledge my own part in choosing him for a mate and father to our children.
For his part, I think he has mellowed similarly. Being separated gave him room to realize how much he had taken my efforts for granted. He is also thankful to me for how the kids turned out.
We are sort of spending more time together. The catalyst was members of our family getting sick and dying the past few years.
I don't know what to tell you OP, but the sheer drudgery you are in now will pass. The question is will he become more invested in the family?

By the way, when I took my first baby to visit my childless sister when the baby was 6 months and JUST starting to sit up, my sister didn't understand the baby's cues. I turned my head away for one second and my child tipped over from sitting position and bonked her head on a chair leg.
My sister fearfully gave me the side-eye. I couldn't be mad at her, she just didn't know babies. Since then she's had a few kids and I think understands a little more about babies and motor skills.

OP here.

I genuinely don't think I can wait another 18 years when our youngest is a legal adult..

Why should I, and more importantly, our kids, have to wait for this man to grow up?

I don't believe he even likes me for the fact that I am a woman (which is a whole different conversation) but why should I have to just settle for a total lack of interest in our family from him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Husband also doesn't pay attention to his own kids, not sure if I mentioned that before. He never helps when I need it. He's too absorbed in himself and hobbies to be present, physically or mentally.

As I was doing the dishes just now, he (magically) decided to get on the ground with our youngest (a baby) - in the span of 7 minutes our baby falls over and bonks their head twice, leading to screaming/crying.

He said he wasn't looking at his phone but then also said he didn't anticipate baby falling based on the angles and the fact that babies don't understand physics. I don't get it. I'm very mad right now. This stuff doesn't happen when I am present.

I sense he is trying to make an effort now because for the last week I have been gray rocking. I'm just feeling very done with everything. And I'm beyond frustrated.

By the way, when I took my first baby to visit my childless sister when the baby was 6 months and JUST starting to sit up, my sister didn't understand the baby's cues. I turned my head away for one second and my child tipped over from sitting position and bonked her head on a chair leg.
My sister fearfully gave me the side-eye. I couldn't be mad at her, she just didn't know babies. Since then she's had a few kids and I think understands a little more about babies and motor skills.

You're comparing your childless sister with a male parent of multiple children? Really? Your bar for men is incredibly low, how pathetic.

OP here.

I agree, someone who doesn't have kids is not comparable to someone who has had three babies before.